I feel like I’m on the brink of something. I am afraid to post this but I will, because I love. Consider this my love letter to all of you beautiful, compassionate souls, and excuse the length. If one person finds one phrase that jumps out at them or comfort, or just provides a little something to ponder, I will be happy. Every day, little things are showing themselves to me and they all mean something. Think whatever you like, I’ve never been one to force what I believe, judge, claim to understand everything, or say there is only one way to do something. There are many. And that choice lies within each of us. I only have offered a compassionate heart who has loved and lost. The pain I’ve experienced in losing my brother to suicide, the pain he felt, speaking to the beautiful tortured souls and reading posts on SP, things that are happening in the world, in my life, and in everyone’s lives around me, all the suffering that everyone feels… these things have changed me. I see the world in another light, or at least, a brighter one. I feel like all of this and all of us are connected somehow.
Yesterday on facebook I saw a video titled “Jim Carrey’s Secret to Life.” I have always loved Jim Carrey. I grew up watching his movies and laughing with my brothers. I will cherish every laugh. Every smile. Every glimmer I saw in my brother’s beautiful eyes and soul. So I clicked on the video and was stunned. These are the things I have been thinking, that have been revealing themselves to me and others. I know it. It is a small ripple but it is happening. I have experienced it.
When my brother died, fear overcame me. I didn’t know where to turn, how to feel, what the point of life was. My world began to crumble. My brother, my lovely brother, gone. Gone. How could this be? That isn’t supposed to happen, just like all the suffering we each experience in numerous ways. But it is there. And it is scary. It is consuming. It manifests as mental anguish and physical pain, breaking our hearts. Everyone is different. Everyone experiences different things. Everyone sees things differently. But… we are all part of it. Those same emotions and fears and struggles and pains. We are all connected and able to affect lives. I have been afraid since losing my brother. Afraid of life. Afraid of the future. Afraid of the pain. I still have it and always will, but also, I have learned. Oh, I have learned.
My boyfriend got up the day after the one month mark of me losing my brother and hasn’t been back yet. He’s been traveling, or running. Who knows. That scared me. Ate me up inside. Alone. Devastated. Grieving. Pain in my heart. Sleeplessness. Anguish. How could this all happen at once? So it hurt, but I got up every day and went to work and became closer to my family and got out of my comfort zone. And opened up to people. And felt a need to help others in any small way I could. Whether it be a smile, encouragement, empathy, or a listening ear. I wasn’t afraid. I chose love. Love for everyone. Love for me. I’m not afraid to be me. I see myself. Through all that pain I see it. It doesn’t mean it’s easy or I don’t feel pain. And there are days when I don’t see it, but in the darkest moments, I believe in it and I see it again. So it doesn’t mean life will always be good. It means I have a vision of what can come from it and see myself more clearly. The person I want to be. Am meant to be. Would I have seen all this so clearly if my boyfriend was around? Doubtful. A little change to a routine, a little self-reflection, and a whole lot of pain has been the formula to see something else, for me. Something meaningful.
Sorry for rambling, but seriously, I feel this so deeply and you are all beautiful and emotional beings and I want to share this with you. I feel like we can pour out the depths of our souls here.
Jim Carrey had very difficult beginnings. He has suffered with depression. He’s one of the beautiful souls who wanted to take other’s pain away by making them laugh, but felt despair within. And one day, he saw himself. And I think it’s truly amazing. So here are 3 videos with his comments and I hope you watch them and I hope they may give you a different perspective, some wonder, some faith, some love. Or at least, just something interesting for the time being, either way 🙂 Feel free to discuss thoughts on these topics. I know there are struggles that make things seem so unattainable, but maybe just a second look will add a new dynamic to this thing we are all experiencing called life. Love to all of you.
Jim Carrey’s Secret to Life:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uJD5-R_HPCc
Jim Carrey’s “Awakening”:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uIaY0l5qV0c
Jim Carrey’s Inspirational Message:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xoYtHt2uz3I
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”
“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”
“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”
“Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.”
“You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness.”
“Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”
~Eckhart Tolle
I also hope that yagharek won’t mind me posting some of his material that I have loved:
“So yes, kill yourself. But not literally, kill your false self. That’s how you heal.”
http://takingthemaskoff.com/2014/07/19/thinking-of-suicide-read-me/comment-page-1/#comment-615
And:
“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
“There is not love of life without despair about life.”
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
“Life can be magnificent and overwhelming — that is the whole tragedy. Without beauty, love, or danger it would almost be easy to live.”
“In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realized, through it all, that… In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”
~Albert Camus
Namaste.
7 comments
With all due respect, such choices aren’t always so black and white. Sometimes a person can love those around him, even strangers he barely knows, but be isolated from the rest of the world by a power so debilitating that the only explanation is that he isn’t meant to be part of the world he was born into. You can call this power fear if you like. All I know is that it has nothing to do with love.
What copelessness said. The whole thing reminds me of that scene in Donnie Darko. “There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can’t just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else.” It’s great that you have love for your fellow man and I’m sure I’m not wrong in saying everyone else here must, at some level, feel the same way but love doesn’t make life any easier when combated with pain, apathy, opposition, anger, hopelessness, grief, and so on. There is more to your philosophies, to human life, than just love and fear. The world, human beings, are much too gray for that.
sorry for your loss. And thank you for your post.
Thanks mariuca.
I understand and appreciate the comments. I agree that there is so much more to it. I just saw that video and really liked it and felt inspired from my own situation, which is why I don’t expect everyone to feel the same. I feel despair, but I have to survive somehow, so I was looking for… something. And not really even looking, just things that happen. I tried to explain more in depth, that it is not just that, that it’s something within ourselves. But it is difficult to explain. I know there are so many factors to the struggles we all face, and it’s not black and white. But I thought it was at least a nice start. A perspective. Thank you and I wish you all the best in everything you do. I wish you comfort and peace from the bottom of my heart.
I feel you, I think we are all fundamentally connected and the same, but our society prevents us from feeling this way. love is what so many people are missing , but not love that is distorted and altered by the fear (which we experience from societies pressures and expectations), but deep connection, a oneness without fear, restriction, or expectation. I think all life desires to be one with each other. I became very depressed and auicidal because I see the world and how everyone is disconnected and feeling as individuals and selfish, but I also think that deep inside, past all the distortions and sense of separateness caused by society, we are one.
my email is: *****************
Thank you for the comments. I agree and know that the world is full of so much darkness. I understand that. I also know that each struggle and feeling that people face is different for everyone, but the same in that there are people that have felt the same feelings or have had similar situations. That we all struggle and are all here right now. There are those that have felt the same darkness we have each felt. Not many people around me understand what it’s like to lose someone to suicide. I went to a group and I was nodding my head because they knew. They understood. Which is why SP is good. People can find someone who understands. And I feel like through the worst situations, we really have to see ourselves to survive. So I know I am a dreamer when I wish that everyone in the world would treat each other with compassion and understanding. I know that. But I see so many thoughtful, compassionate individuals here and it saddens me at the thought of losing those good hearts. Like my brother. If we keep losing more good people, what are we going to do? So I feel like all the people that see the world, see people, that are caring, have faced demons, and are understanding, can band together to change things, one small step at a time. Starting with ourselves. Self-love, realizing our strengths, taking care of what we need to be ok, sharing our experiences and knowledge with others, and then continuing from there. For me, I have to do it. I know what it feels like to lose someone and like the article I posted above (http://takingthemaskoff.com/2014/07/19/thinking-of-suicide-read-me/comment-page-1/#comment-615) says, coming from a guy who attempted suicide and lost a beautiful friend to suicide, “What else can I do, but preach love? I have to do something.” In the name of my brother and anyone else out there that might be comforted, because they are worth something, I must. I feel it within me. So I know it’s not black and white, I know there are deeper levels to human emotions and the human mind and life itself, but while I’m here, I will do what I can to make someone smile, be understanding and nonjudgmental, be compassionate, be a listening ear, even if the world won’t join me, but I know there are those that will, to let a little light shine among the darkness that is out there. I will channel all my pain into that. I feel like the darkest experiences and emotions can make us or break us. And my sincere hope is that it makes all of you. That you see the things in yourselves that I’ve seen, and not to let the world bring you down. And know that in that feeling of isolation, in that debilitating suffering, that there are people out there that understand, have felt the same, or truly care.