I’d love to die, but I’m too cowardly to go through it.

First a few notices.

I know I must be the millionth person to blabber about how I’m too much of a coward to kill myself (though you might say suicide is not courageous) and I apologize for annoying you. You don’t need to read if your busy.

Now an introduction.

I hate my real name so just call me Mortimer (changing it to that someday if I can) I’m 19 years old from that small country Qatar that’s to the left of the UAE, might have heard of it. I don’t look like the people here, I don’t act or think like the people here, my interests and everything else differs from everyone from here. I’m an Apatheist, which means I don’t care whether or not any god exists because quite frankly I dislike the divine.

Now for the reason why I hate life.

First of all you should know that I love my family, unfortunately they won’t like my opinions on faith so I can either live a lie here, or cut my ties and live abroad. This is reason number one.

Next reason on why I can’t wait to have a life threatening disease is humanity today. I used to look forward to the future, especially excited about love. You see I’m a hopeless romantic, so I’m notoriously picky but if I find her I’ll be hers for life and beyond..although that’s what I used to feel. I’ve lost trust in people, social anxiety and all. thinking everyone hates me in secret, thinking that whoever I might think I’d fall for would eventually cheat on me or ask for a divorce or something worse than both. I’m sure I’ll never find the love I want so that’s love gone. People today annoy me, the constant conflict over ridiculous matters. People thinking they can do anything they want if it’s legal, doesn’t anyone care about self worth anymore? I honestly believe that words like dignity won’t exist after another century. moral degeneration is a problem, people today are pathetic. And I don’t mean that as an insult, it’s just how they are.

…I’m starting college in the UK this September for marine biology but Im changing to applied physics, I’m so stressed out that I developed Alopecia, I keep thinking something is bound to go wrong. Maybe I’ll turn out to be too stupid to actually graduate, maybe I’ll do something to embarrassing in front of everyone and look like a fool. and looking at myself I know that chances are those things will happen.

I said how I think most people today are pathetic, truth is I’m the wretched and pitiful one. I mess everything I try to do, I stutter, I’ve had insomnia for the past year, I’m lazy, slow..

I like to daydream along some music. I used to dream a lot of thrilling things happening to me even if they were impossible, lately I’ve only dreamed about killing myself is crouching at a dark damp corner somewhere feeling miserable. I’ll always be a below average human being. And even if I was above average and talented at something, I’m still just some human. I’ll live until probably 87 if I don’t kill myself first (if I gather up the courage) and die. and after 30 years whatever friends and family I’d have would forget about me.

people don’t really know what happens when someone dies do they? some people believe in some religious books written centuries ago, others make up and after life and some think that you simply vanish. I accepted the fact that it simply is impossible to know I actually am dead..unless of course I do vanish in which case my pitiable consciousness is gone anyway.

so really I think the main reason on why I hate my life is because of how small weak and insignificant I am, even compared to the rest of the global population, I’m not a physics prodigy nor a skilled doctor.  and there’s no way to change that.