Should I stay or should I go…

I have been thinking about ending my life for a while now. I guess I have been too much of a chicken to finally do it. My mom told me that is a cowardly thing to do and that if something like that were to happen, it will break her heart. I love my family above everything and everyone. They are all I have.

If end up doing it, I know I will make them sad…but I guess this is my last selfish wish.

Usually, thinking about my family keeps me going. But I managed to destroy that one thing.

I am an awful being. I am a tired. I am not good enough. I am not strong enough. I am useless.

I don’t want to leave without being able to experience love, finish the ongoing stories I am currently reading, visit the countries I want to visit, have enough money to leave behind.

I don’t want to not do those things…but I also don’t want to wait any longer. I keep wishing that somehow something bad happen to me…something more “natural”.

I hate myself for wanting to take the easy way…I hate myself even more for not being able to end this myself after all this time. I hate falling asleep thinking “How great would it be if I just never wake up” and waking up thinking “I just want to stop breathing”.

Before I used to think someone…somehow…could help me. Save me. But not anymore. I am just beyond reach. I might be alive today…but I think I will be able to end this whole charade soon. I’ll try my best to leave everything in order.

The “What if'” keeps me going for now. I’m just scared of having to live this way for too long. The longer I live…the more people will get hurt.

When I die…I wish my family finds this post, so they know it was not a rushed idea…so they don’t think I did not love them enough…or that it was their fault. I am extremely grateful because they loved this awful human being. For loving me in spite of everything. Thank you.

If I am born again…I hope to be stronger and the type of person you deserve. I won’t go to heaven…but I wish God will let me stay somewhere I can watch over you.