I’ve realized something of late, something that fucks me over every time I even think about it. I never realized how much of a bloody nihilist I am. It’s disgusting. Some people have a real reason to become a nihilist (though it’s never a good thing), but there is no reason for me to be this much a a bloody misanthrope and cynic. I disgust myself by simply living, I disgust myself by thinking of suicide. I can’t win against myself, and I am not sure I want to.
Of late, I findmyself wanting to read, wanting to write, wanting to think, and I can’t seem to correctly do any of these things. I ahould’ve split the last paragraph into two, but I’m a shithead and I’m too lazy to go back and re-do it.
I just don’t care about anything anymore. I want to care, but I can’t even force a smile onto my face anymore, nonetheless push happy thoughts down my throat. I want to not be afraid to go to graduation parties. I want to not hate everything. Yet, here I am, in the predicament where all of the unwanted things are occuring.
I’m literally so useless, and it disgusts me. I don’t have any desire to keep myself alive. I have a clear and easy way to out myself. There are enough pills in our medicine cabinet to kill me 10 times over. When I do it, I’ll slice my arm up, too, so it will be extra difficult to keep me alive.
I have nothing to stay alive for. I don’t care enough about myself to stay alive. My friends all hate me (who could blame them). My family is thorougly disgusted with me, and they’re the only reason that I even attempt to stay alive. I don’t want to be here, no one wants me here, and my life is meaningless.
I hate myself. I’m a worthless shithead of a grammar-nazi. I’m going to die, I’m going to die and I’ll finally be okay. I don’t deserve to be alive.
If anyone actually reads this, thank you. You have shown a greater kindness thanI could ever deserve. I want to cry right now, but it would be meaningless. But then again, my life has always been filled with meaningless occurences.
(Sorry for any spelling errors. I can’t even use correct grammar and spelling, so what is my purpoae in life?)
4 comments
Your right crying is meaningless unless your crying to someone. You say your a nihilist , I don’t know how long that began for you but I know that mind is rewired differently for everyone and that cycle begins in the some of the most critical stages of a persons cognitive development. I don’t know the severity of your problem but it really can be change . If you meet the right group of people. Take instance for me, This guy I disliked and many others I tried my best to avoid would constantly reappear and some tried to jump me. But for some reason , after growing up with them , I also realized they didn’t really have any close friends to whom they can really trust in high school .because of nowadays it seems that its hard to trust anyone especially if you felt that individual (s), could betray you one day. You must have been hurting in the dark for a long time just waiting for these great changes to occur , behind the scenes.. You must have felt a whirlwind of emotion just like I did because we were both ostracized. Like I said , I don’t know the extent of your hurt But I sure as hell know that it can be fixed and that suicide should not be the answer to your problems , because it really isn’t. The truth is I could have turned out like you because I hated and envied everybody’s happiness but at the time I saw a ray of hope And I took It and I myself would bring me out of own gloomy despondence . One of my points is Sometimes Things won’t come to you just because, You’ve heard the phrase and it just as true as it was back then for me “Go out and make your own Luck” . only you can bring yourself out of the darkness and only you can find these group of friends one day that really like you and understand you. Don’t be like me where I failed and now I have to pay the price for my rash decisions . How I see it is Don’t be weak (no offense) and succumb to your mind . Get out there and make a chance because I’ve only seen the top of the iceberg in my life and the few great things I’ve done I’ve really enjoyed even though I was reluctant and pessimistic about driving myself to go out and do something despite all my lackluster qualities . Right now I’m in a really dark moment in my life and I dont have time to think about such trivial matters but right now I wish I was normal again like you because you still have time to change things. Don’t give in to yourself and make changes even if its a little. Its better than staying In the same deleterious loop. Break out ! Listen to new music, try to talk to new friends but don’t open up so quickly trust me , change habits for the better , gradually take of your health, exercise, practice improving yourself and way of talking and gain a new perspective like I did
Honestly, if you sincerely wanted to kill yourself you would be well aware by now that some measly pills and cutting won’t do it. They are far from suicide methods, and i’m only saying this because i spent more than a year thoroughly invested in suicide research.
You don’t sound like a nihilist to me. You feel utterly depressed and full of negativity towards yourself, but the truth is that you want to live, right? At least that’s what i’m getting from your post. So as horrible as you feel right now and as much as you may feel like you cannot hold on any longer, some part of you knows the torment will be over and is holding on to see the end results. When will it be over, that is up to you.
Just remind yourself that you truly are not all those negative things you feel right now. Try to show love and compassion for yourself. Unless maybe you’ve tortured, raped, killed, etc, which i doubt, so yeah.
Too much anger for a nihilist.
Our acts may or may not count, but you obviously think they should, hence the anger.
Care about the big things but stop sweating the small stuff. Learn to give up trying to control your spelling, your companion’s toe nails, and the continuity errors in movies.
Save your anger for global warming, homelessness, and wealth inequality. For or against – it doesn’t matter.
You are worth life.