My mother was upset today because a friend of her told her my body is fit for modelling. “She has long legs, delicate hands and feet, big and unique eyes, a charming face. She has a perfect body: thin but not so thin, just perfect.” Of course, my mother was very proud until she realized I don’t really look like one.
“Why do you put so much effort in making yourself so ugly?! Look at you! That gross colour of your dyed hair, your fucking scars, your eyebags, that shitty attitude of yours, that look on your face. You’re so weird, you’re so gross.”
Oh yeah, I wonder why? Maybe so you can stop touching me? Maybe so no guy will notice me because I’m terrified of them? Maybe because I don’t want to be loved just by my looks like every single time someone is fascinated with me?
Besides, I love how I look right now. I love each one of my scars, especially the deepest ones, I love my dyed hair. I love those haunted eyes that stare back at me when I look myself at the mirror and fill themselves with determination when I remember the purpose. I love my mind, I love my imagination. I love my own world. I love myself like this, forever and always. I don’t care if people find me ugly because of those things, I love them and I wouldn’t change them for anything in the world.
She wanted to punch me in the face, but decided against it because tomorrow I have to go with her to her friend’s house. Just one of those “aristocratic dinners”, where everybody talks about the companies they own or the great life they’re living.
5 comments
I’m unsure what you mean by she’s touching you. If you’re being molested don’t be afraid to tell someone, a teacher, a friend, anyone.
But it does seem like you have a good attitude about it all. As long as you love yourself, that’s all that matters.
Wish you the best.
Kamidaka, I can’t express how proud I am of you for loving the way you are despite what that dumb ***** said. Rock on, girl.
i love the way you are loving yourself. of course we live for ourselves not for other.
This was really inspiring. I loved reading this. I walked away from my batshit crazy abusive family when I was old enough to legally do so. Woefully unprepared for the world out there because my mother saw fit to take everything from me time and again. So I stopped showing anyone what I loved or wanted in life. People can’t take things from me if they don’t know what I love. Double edged sword that. Really it is. I’m so good at it now I can have a psychotic break and folks around me chalk it up to my eccentric personality.
I use to have a giant red mohawk and wear combat boots and mens clothing, including mens undergarments. In my mind if I could be a boy, no one could hurt me ever again. I did that for a really long time. I even toyed with the idea of becoming a boy for read, or at least living like one. I’d never pass as a guy though. I’m just too dainty. I thought maybe I could pass for a gay guy, since I’m not into women, but that didn’t fly either. Eventually I used my compulsion to hide behind masks to reinvent myself as a classy office worker. I can navigate through this insane cruel world and no one is the wiser that I am just completely batshit crazy about 29% of the time.
Keep being who you are. Fuck the world, fuck family. Family is who I invite to be in my life, not who won the genetic lottery.
All models have their unique looks and trashy attitudes. Besides joking I hate girls who try so hard to look good with a tone of make up and dresses that cover only so few parts. Be your self. Do what you want and take care.