Ugliness and pointlessness

I don’t want to live anymore. The things i do are in the mean time of me dying. Ihave more bills than i know what to do with so my plan is to pay myself up as much as i can buy a gun and end it. I may get impatient and buy it early or hang myself. I love with my sister who knows im suicidal and my mom who i care less about her reaction to my death. I probably will try hanging. Its a horrificly useless method but it may work eventually. Its worth passing the time. My life is the absence of meaning and happiness personified. I just want all of it to end. I want to not be. Why must something exist? Why must something be born and think and function and feel? Nonexistence seems like the most blissful state of being possible. Im a whiny fat beta. The world has bo use for me. Its so hard wired subconsciously to yield and be weak. I was raised to be weak to cater to the drunk pieces of shit that called themselves adults when i was younger. I hate being alive i always have. 29 years is a long ass time to be useless and depressed.