Killing myself tonight. Everything is lost. I’ve been on here for a year, yet I can’t only have this.
StruggleOn here! Part fennec fox and part dead again. And I have nowhere to trust but here so…
Shit has been going on. Its all just bullshit though. You know when you try so hard for somebody but nothing makes them better? That’s kind of how this is. I don’t even care if it helps I just need it to be accepted. Again and again I am beat down. Hopelesness once again engulfed me. Now I’m stuck. I feel helpless and confused and wonder if I’ll ever deserve somebodies love…
Somebody shoot me now
I need a break from this loneliness that is consuming me so quickly…
I am so alone, so weak, so not anything worth keeping up a fight for.
You know those feelings that are so strong they just become unexplainable? That’s what this is like.
So now what am I supposed to say? “Goodbye cruel world.” Or whatever. No, there is nothing left to say, only to do. Go. Leave. Exit.
Because I can’t care
If I cared,
I would already be destroyed
But by not caring,
I am destroying
…
….
I’m stuck.
All my problems are ones the next person has. Average.
My time passes the same speed as the next persons yet I still complain it goes too slow. Pointless.
My negative feelings are no different then the next persons. Demotivated.
My life is no more hard then the next persons. Stressful.
My life is different then the next persons. Worthless.
It wasn’t until today ’til I realized the full truth of my procrastination and weakness. Another birthday, a year too long I’ve lived. Another birthday, a year I could have rid of myself. And now what, what can I do but be sad on this day.
I dont have have much extended family, but what I do have of them I talk to about once a year. My cousin was a firefighter in Denver for a while. He was in college doing a volunteer program. On a day stroll he spotted a man laying on a park bench, pour gasoline over himself, then lit himself on […]
No worth in putting up with bullshit just to save nothing but a pathetic little thing ready to be thrown away. I see a lot of people marking their leaving with their birthday. Well, mine is this Tuesday. Still stumped on what I should do. I only thought of it today. I almost have no motivation to even come on SP anymore. But my mind is clearer when i expel my muddled brain somewhere. And, well, if I’m going to do it, may as we’ll keep it hidden from the real world and be able to go through with everything more easily.
It’s been a long sad break from this place. And man, I have no clue where I’ve wandered to. All I know is I’ve been more broken then ever these past two weeks. I want to be free. I hate feeling so chained up. Within my own mind claustrophobia is eating me away. My whole life there is one, only one thing I’ve asked for. And that is a place of belonging. Where I’m not thrown away like some non living object. I’m sick of living in the dump. You know what the dump is filled with? Worthless things that no longer have meaning or […]
A lot has been changing in my life lately.  With all the treatment shit and then I got a therapist.  I don’t really know if the therapy helps.  Professional help is just not my  thing.  Lately I haven’t been feeling like myself.  I haven’t been on here for weeks and it’s like a large chunk of my life is missing as odd as that sounds.  I thought I had come to a point where I didn’t have to rely on SP anymore, truth is, it has made me half of who I am.  I feel like I’m going crazy, god damn it.  At least crazier […]
Not really help? Â I mean, they’re supposed to be understanding but they’re just not.
For those that remember me I tried killing myself and ended up in a treatment center for twenty three days. Â How have you all been?
I hate having a friend that has a life. Â It makes me feel so out of place. Â Honestly, It’s like I need that person but they don’t need me. Â It’s the truth, and it sucks. Â Really, they are just there out of pity. Â Pity, pity, pity. Fuck you, pity.
Yeah whatever.
Oh shit. Â Oh shit. Â Oh shit. Â Oh shit. Â Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh fennec foxes. Oh shit. Oh shit. Â Oh shit I fucked up so much and am just worsening what’s already bad. Â Oh shit.
. . . if I knew you all in real life, I would totally make you guys some really good food 🙂
“Confidence is 10% hard work, and 90% delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want”
I was fed such fallacious bullshit. Â Fetch that medicine, but I’m done ingesting it like a puppet, kay?
What I aim to disclose, is all this ‘you can get anywhere with confidence’ is going to make me narcoleptic in due time. I’m pretty jaded already. Â What I perceived is, whether my effort is made with or without morale; it ultimately ends up the same. Â Abominable or indifferent. Â It’s just so invariable. Â A situation where effort is put forth with or without confidence is so analogous to […]
Nobody tells the future. Â Futures don’t have infinite linearity to each distinctive, singular life. Â I have more future then past in my life right now. Â And they say . . . live for that. Â Truth be told, no – we can not undergo a set-in-stone determination of what the future will be. But the implications of life now can decide what the future might be like. Â Life is bad right now, driving me to the last of me, all done by my own hand. Â What makes it worse, is I can’t pick out any possibility for a future with a good outcome.
Quiero morir
Déjame ir
Somebody told me today to write three paragraphs about something that would make me want to stick around.
So here it is. Â And it might come as a surprise:
To stop being selfless. It’s the only thing that has even slight potential to want to make me live. I realized that I’ve always done things for others. I was always there for everybody else. I always worked to please others. I made sure to take anybodies problems on to my own shoulders when I could.
Then the thing I realized that’s killing me is . . . guilt. When I can’t make things go right for anybody I […]
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