Somebody told me today to write three paragraphs about something that would make me want to stick around.
So here it is. Â And it might come as a surprise:
To stop being selfless. It’s the only thing that has even slight potential to want to make me live. I realized that I’ve always done things for others. I was always there for everybody else. I always worked to please others. I made sure to take anybodies problems on to my own shoulders when I could.
Then the thing I realized that’s killing me is . . . guilt. When I can’t make things go right for anybody I feel so guilty. Then I feel all these emotions I can’t handle, all these emotions that I really don’t want to feel. My past is my past. It continues on because I am selfless. Because I don’t know how to move on yet I encourage others and they are able to do it. The only way I can move on is to stop making sure I’m by everybodies side. It’s the first step of letting go, to go to where I need to be. Which is not life. Life isn’t where I need to be. I have to stop feeling for everybody else to make everything easier.
No this does not mean I turn into some careless freak. Â It just means everybody needs to accept that moving on will make me feel at peace. Â It might not make me stick around forever. But it’s something that might make me want to stick around a little longer.
6 comments
You and I both, StruggleOn.
Grr…I hated that I’d continuously try assisting others and beating myself up in the process, I did dedicate myself to a life of service after all, but translating it to a non military sense only made things worser. Flicking the switch off has been hard, but it’s necessary. So I can reflect on the support rendered, how I can help myself in the months ahead and the lasting effect this will all have.
When my tickets up, so be it. For now, I’ll take each day as it comes and take due diligence in planning for the uncertain future.
Oh I think this is a recipe that will have you sticking around for a long time 🙂
It looks like I could have written this…
You should look up co-dependency if you don’t know of it already. I have it and understanding it is really important.
@toxicluminoth
Um, no. I have an understanding of codependency and it’s not something I can handle nor think of it as an appropriate item for a survival kit. For me or the other person(s).
StruggleOn, good morning! selfless, you? I would of never known.
@ StruggleOn
I’m not saying it is a good idea to BE co-dependent. I’m just saying it sounded like you suffer from it and that learning to manage it might help.
Unless I’m misunderstanding your comment.
“I realized that I’ve always done things for others. I was always there for everybody else. I always worked to please others. I made sure to take anybodies problems on to my own shoulders when I could.”
^super duper co-dependency red flag plus all of the guilt stuff… I’d say you have it and you should kick that shit to the curb and live for you!
Comments are closed.