Outside am smiling, but inside am just dying.

  June 14th, 2005 by stealth

Nothing Important ( You do not need to read, It might be just a waste of time.)

Outside am smiling, pretending that everything was fine and life for me was great. Smiling to my parents, to my friends and family. But really, am dying and crying inside. But I have learned to keep these feelings to myself. I usally don’t tell anyone about this, or post about my life on any sites. But I learned that letting this out somewhere, makes me feel like I have drop a heavy boulder that I had been on my back for many years. Well, for the past 2 years I had been living trough a miserable life. I was 13 when I started to feel, unwanted, left out, abandoned and suicidal. I never expressed my feelings, never expressed an opinion to anyone, because I believe that no one cared. My parents often fight alot, about money and their untrustworthiness. That put alot of stress on me, because I would stay up and listen to their arguements, to make sure that my father did not physically hitting my mother.

At school, someone would makes rumors of me being gay, so all my classmates would make fun of me. But thats didn’t last long, and soon I found myself sexually abused by a man, who I don’t even know the name of or even seen his face. I was not dared to tell anyone about this. Since we had enough problems in the family, so I kept it to myself. but at home I would eat, eatting seems like the only way out. I eat untill, all the pain that I suffer goes away. Soon, I found myself being over weight. When next school year came around. I got the reputation, of the Gay Dude, the gay boy. I had no friends. Everyone would walk by and point at me saying this and that, but mainly about me being gay. And soon the thought of suicidal came to mind. Every night, I would think what I should do, and the thought of suicidal always pops in my head. Althought, I want to leave the world, theres some things I can’t give up. My parents are a factor. They count on me to have a high education and a good carreer to support them, because they have lost all hope in my 18 year brother, he was a drop out and doing drugs. Soon, I moved away from the unhappy place I called Toronto, and found myself in brampton. Then went to a school where my old friend goes to. This friend was the one and maybe only friend I had, but he moved away, before any of this happend. I managed to contact him, and managed to get into his school. I made new friends, my father and mother opened their own business, we had money. Everything was great and I felt like this is how my life should be, so I moved apart from the thought of suicidal. And soon, I found myself crushing on this girl, my friend made me ask her out, she didn’t give an answer though. On the same day, she replyed yes on a Online messenger. The next school day, I found out that my friend forced her to say yes. And we ended up, to be friends. even though nothing had happend. But that made my self-esteem even lower than it was. Then soon I found out that I also had intrest in men. I stressed even more finding out the truth that my old classmates was right. All, the stuff that I said defending myself, saying how I wasn’t gay and everything else. I have nothing to back it up now. And soon suicidal thoughts came back to me. And now im on the edge of killing myself. Then my life once agian became worst, Losing friends agian and finding out stuff, that I didn’t want to here or see. Now finding myself smoking, drinking, skipping school and doing drugs. So now, am on the edge of killing myself. But I don’t want it to end it this way, but I don’t see anything in life, nothing worth living for. I’m only living on to be hated, mistreated and abused by others. But, believe that there is something in the world, that would make me feel that suicidal is not the only option, but I hope that day may come soon. Right now, all I got is my computer.

Alot more happend but I think i’ll continue next time.

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