Nothing Important ( You do not need to read, It might be just a waste of time.)
Outside am smiling, pretending that everything was fine and life for me was great. Smiling to my parents, to my friends and family. But really, am dying and crying inside. But I have learned to keep these feelings to myself. I usally don’t tell anyone about this, or post about my life on any sites. But I learned that letting this out somewhere, makes me feel like I have drop a heavy boulder that I had been on my back for many years. Well, for the past 2 years I had been living trough a miserable life. I was 13 when I started to feel, unwanted, left out, abandoned and suicidal. I never expressed my feelings, never expressed an opinion to anyone, because I believe that no one cared. My parents often fight alot, about money and their untrustworthiness. That put alot of stress on me, because I would stay up and listen to their arguements, to make sure that my father did not physically hitting my mother.
At school, someone would makes rumors of me being gay, so all my classmates would make fun of me. But thats didn’t last long, and soon I found myself sexually abused by a man, who I don’t even know the name of or even seen his face. I was not dared to tell anyone about this. Since we had enough problems in the family, so I kept it to myself. but at home I would eat, eatting seems like the only way out. I eat untill, all the pain that I suffer goes away. Soon, I found myself being over weight. When next school year came around. I got the reputation, of the Gay Dude, the gay boy. I had no friends. Everyone would walk by and point at me saying this and that, but mainly about me being gay. And soon the thought of suicidal came to mind. Every night, I would think what I should do, and the thought of suicidal always pops in my head. Althought, I want to leave the world, theres some things I can’t give up. My parents are a factor. They count on me to have a high education and a good carreer to support them, because they have lost all hope in my 18 year brother, he was a drop out and doing drugs. Soon, I moved away from the unhappy place I called Toronto, and found myself in brampton. Then went to a school where my old friend goes to. This friend was the one and maybe only friend I had, but he moved away, before any of this happend. I managed to contact him, and managed to get into his school. I made new friends, my father and mother opened their own business, we had money. Everything was great and I felt like this is how my life should be, so I moved apart from the thought of suicidal. And soon, I found myself crushing on this girl, my friend made me ask her out, she didn’t give an answer though. On the same day, she replyed yes on a Online messenger. The next school day, I found out that my friend forced her to say yes. And we ended up, to be friends. even though nothing had happend. But that made my self-esteem even lower than it was. Then soon I found out that I also had intrest in men. I stressed even more finding out the truth that my old classmates was right. All, the stuff that I said defending myself, saying how I wasn’t gay and everything else. I have nothing to back it up now. And soon suicidal thoughts came back to me. And now im on the edge of killing myself. Then my life once agian became worst, Losing friends agian and finding out stuff, that I didn’t want to here or see. Now finding myself smoking, drinking, skipping school and doing drugs. So now, am on the edge of killing myself. But I don’t want it to end it this way, but I don’t see anything in life, nothing worth living for. I’m only living on to be hated, mistreated and abused by others. But, believe that there is something in the world, that would make me feel that suicidal is not the only option, but I hope that day may come soon. Right now, all I got is my computer.
Alot more happend but I think i’ll continue next time.
8 comments
Hey.. are you still there ?
Are still crying ? Remember…. good times and bad times are there in life …………………………….the one who doesnot feel the sadness has not tested actual life ..
Hey i agree with jeevan
dont worry, youve got so much to live for, im feeling the same way right now, but its so true, yeah life is hard but its only making you stronger, that was how it was for my friend and the same way she felt but times do change and you will be so happy when you will see how much life is worth living.
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Yo dude i dont know if you even alife..
thats some krazy shit u beeing tru..
i beeing tru alot i think who doesnt?
everyday is a test yet.
i had those suicide thought too.. but i never did.. im afraid to die.
but whats the use of going on? i know peoples do care about me and thing..
but somehow i feel sad and lonely most the time..
i think thats life.. its just fucked up..
but brother keep it strong fight back
even if u fall down so many times stand the fuck up.
Be a real man! better die like a real man then live like a coward!
Stand up for yourself you can do it!
You are not alone!!!! There are millions of people that feel this way. I have been diagnoised with Bipolar Disorder for eleven years, I have had many ups and downs. I am 30 years old and I just lost my only sibling to suicide in April of this year…he was only 22 years old. He was my best friend and we could talk about anything and we understood eachother. All I can say is please know that time will help you. Give time, time!!! My brother did not chose this option, and I beleive that with the right medical attention and medication my brother could have lived a good life, but he did not give himself the time to be helped. Hang on to what is good, and know that other’s pray for a cure for this everyday! 🙂
You’ve been through a lot, and i’m biploar too, it’s a struggle I know. Find something amazing in your life, wether it be a person, a hobby, or an idea and hold onto it. You’ll find some light in your life. You will.
🙁
Hello, i know its been almost a decade since you posted this and i hope this message still finds you.
first of all i hopr all is well with you. I share the same exact experience, when i was you my parents would often fight at night mostly about finances. I learned to loce music at that time because it kept me from hearing all the shouting. We pretended to be a family, went to church at sundays and ate dinner together. I brought that with me until 30years late, all the anxiety at depression unknowingly to everyone.
I wish all the best and hopefully we both find the peace we are looking for.