Tired of pain of living

  June 17th, 2007 by sherzn

Each morning I’m disappointed to find that I’m still here. Each day brings such great burden. At the end of the day I have no reward for going through it. I fit the criteria for high functioning autism. I look normal so its an invisible disability. At least I now have a reason for always being unable to make conversation and not fitting in. It feels as if I was not made to communicate. When I try, my attention span runs out on me, and I have to struggle to find something to make the conversation continue. These problems are present with everyone I try to interact with. Furthermore I have coordination difficulties from my autism. So I have to concentrate hard to just walk straight, and I’m clumsy.

I’m also unable to form relationships and friendships. If I form a friendship it will be too much effort to maintain: I’ll have to keep on saying something and its too much effort. I also feel very shy and embarassed easily. I believe I am incapable of love as a result of my condition. So at least thats an excuse for never having a relationship. However when I see all the others my age involved in relationships I feel a hurt inside. All my life I’ve tried to fit in so my differences would go unnoticed but thats something I cant fake. I’ve just completed college. I don’t want to struggle working each day, wondering why and returning to a life of loneliness. I’d prefer an exit from this life but I’m uncertain. Everyday my mind tells me this is not worth it, yet I continue.

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