and in the end …

don’t know why I am doing this .. who cares ? I have made one mess of my life after another. Lost everything that matters. Didn’t realize until too late what is most important in life. Family. Love. Forgiveness. I don’t have any of that. the short version:
I was in a very unhappy marriage for near 20 years. I knew at the beginning that it wasn’t the “perfect match”. But it would do. I thought I would grow to love him. Hard to do when you don’t even respect each other. We had children over the years. So I never left because of the children. Four. I couldn’t support them in the way I wanted. So I stayed and became more and more withdrawn. From him and from life. Things that interested me, bored him. So we only did things together that he wanted or enjoyed. We drifted farther and farther apart as the children grew older and moved out on their own. I met someone online. Didn’t go looking, just sort of happened. I felt alone and he listened. The closer I became to him, the farther apart I became with my family. Never told this person my real name or anything that he could use to find me. Or so I thought. But he did find me. And threatened me. I was afraid that he would harm the ones I loved. He said he would find them if I didn’t do what he wanted. I was so confused and ashamed and scared and had no one else to turn to, so I did as he demanded. Left my family and went and lived with him. Was the worst hell on earth anyone can ever imagine. Mental abuse is worse than physical. Believe me. I was on the edge of craziness when someone helped me to get out. I tried to start over alone. Lost everything. Children hate me, family hates me. so it’s just me. And I am just so tired of trying. It’s over now. I am so sorry for all of the hurt and pain and embarrassment that I have caused the four people who matter the most .. my beautiful daughters and my precious son, Good bye.