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My story

by Mary

I write because I am hoping that by simply writing, this intention will fade. Thirteen years ago, my father committed suicide. Soon afterwards, I made my first suicidal attempt. Two other suicidal gestures followed the attempt. At that time, I was seeing a psychologist twice a week. Now, years later, I not only do not have the financial means to seek psychological help, I feel less inclined to want to seek it. I have recently relocated to a new area. I am near sixty years old. My motivation for moving was to be closer to my sister. I was completely deluded. I do not see that happening. Too many years of distance in our past and too many personality differences. So I have moved to an urban area, no job, apartment living from an area where I have a budding practice as a massage practice in my own home and friends and church. This afternoon I ended a part time job as a bread kneader for a bakery. I decided it was just too difficult in various ways, physically, schedule wise. More than that, I see a repeated pattern of quitting jobs since my divorce in 2004. I am perplexed and today I asked myself and my God, ” Would it be better if I took my life? Would you be disappointed in me, God?” He didn’t answer. I went to Chili’s and had lettuce wraps and a beer. Not a good choice. Yet so it is. I am visiting my daughter and her husband and their new home tomorrow many states away. I will fly. Only for two days. After that, maybe then. I will wait to see how I feel when I return home. Since my divorce, I feel like I have continued to place myself in jobs and relationships one after another, eventually ending the experience. Not so much relationships. I did have a relationship with a friend, long-distance, for six years. Perhaps, I am grieving the loss of this as well. Thirty one years of marriage. Seven years of dating before marriage. Mother insisted I go through with the marriage so as not to embarrass her, even though I spoke to her weeks before the marraige….”I could not go through with this.” But I did…and I guess I still am unable to forgive myself or her or any and all of my mistakes. I have had oodles of therapists…and now, again, I am looking at myself and asking, “Would it be better if I died?” I have two adult, prosperous, successsful children. They never call. I really am not important in their lives. I did have a church life in the small community where I once lived. Now I find where I have moved, it is a joke. So I have decided not to continue visiting churches. My financial support comes from my ex-husband’s spousal support. Thank you, dear God for this. Wonder why I have been so unsuccessful in this life? I was an honor student. I have held many volunteer and paid employment positions throughout my life. If I look back, I can see how others and myself have touched each other. But now…I want to end my life. I can write that without shame. Now that is really something.

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