I’ve literally been aware of this website for no longer than five minutes, but I can’t explain how relieved I feel for having typed ‘suicide’ in a search engine. Some of the stories I scanned are heart-wrenching and I don’t feel I can compare (even though that isn’t the point), or even justify why I feel so awful. I’m 15, and in the midst of my examinations. I find it impossible to revise for them, maybe because I have a constant thought of how I may fail if I don’t revise. But that makes the process worse. I feel pressured by myself – guilt-tripped in to having to do it. And if I don’t do it, i’m living to regret the bad decision that makes me feel utterly awful and often results in migranes. Which, understandably makes it even harder to revise and results in no revision but just the guilt of how lazy, awful, unorganised and stupid i’ve been. I think it’s made worse by such teachers at school. I am academically bright – I won’t deny it but do they know how hard i’m working just to achieve the grades I get? It doesn’t come natural and definatley not without studying constantly. Their expectations of me are really high, and I suppose I just feel that there’s a chance i’ll let them down – something that isn’t in my nature. And if not them, i’m letting myself down. I’m feeling constant pressure. As if, my conciense is constantly battling with myself. The way I deal with this usually results in excessive upset and tears, sometimes even cutting that i’ll regret afterwards. I’m not proud. I just wish I could deal with things better. I can’t say I don’t get help. I have a teacher who is really excellent at talking things through with me. But sometimes, I feel that’s out of reach, and then I just don’t know what to do. I feel so tired. I’m run down and exhausted from being awake to study – it’s all I ever do. Working myself in to a state at the same time. I won’t take my life because I am a coward. Though i’ve often tried, it’s been to the extent where I’m unsure if I have done enough to be certain. I can’t say the death of my auntie last year helped. I think I am yet to grieve properly as I can’t say I feel like I miss her, or am longing for her back. Even though, she played a big part in my life, I just don’t feel a longing for her. Why is that? Is that supposed to happen? I’ve seen a lot of people in my family cry for her, and i’ll feel angry towards them. Again, I don’t know why that is either. They’re only doing what is natural to them surely? But I find it embarassing and just want to walk away. Even though, i’m sure the pain they’re experiencing is tragic. I feel no compassion or empathy. It’s bizzare and really annoying because it makes me feel machine-like, dead inside and totally wrong and immoral. I know i’m human, but should I feel these things? Whether I am or not, I know it feels okay to write it out.