Stuffed it once, won’t this time

  July 31st, 2008 by est1975

Almost 3 weeks ago I tried to kill myself. My worst mistake ever was that I did not succeed.

I tried to overdose. I had “researched” over some time on how I would do it. My problem was I had already started drinking early in the night which I shouldn’t have done. This let to me being sick and vomitting a lot of what I had taken back up. Added to that my friend who was on the phone to me had me sidetracked so much that I ended up forgetting to chew on the rest of the tablets I had taken with me.

I have been dealing with a lot of guilt over my friend being atthe hospital and the whole thing really. I had never ever meant anyone else to know I was doing it. But I was already so drunk by then I had just let go and done it and opened my big mouth too soon.

This is one thing I have learned for this time. To not say a thing, lay low and just do it and also to get the hell away from home this time.

I feel like shit for my friend having to go through it and I dont want her to have to put up with me and my shit anymore. I don’t ever want to have to go through losing her again. I know Im a fuckwit and will inevitably fuck things up somewhere along the line and she will walk away.

Failing in trying to kill yourself doesnt make all this support and help magically appear. It has actually made things worse for me. I have been ostracised at work and made to feel like a freak. I notice online friends not around besides my friend and of course you just know they are avoiding you and just dont have the balls to say so.
My husband doesnt even attempt to understand. All he keeps asking is when he can next get sex. Oh and there’s the daily “you don’t have to stay home and listen to the kids/cook/clean” routine.

All I know is I can’t do this any more. I can’t be around my kids anymore and be like my mother. I have turned into her and I cant do that to them. I can’t live anymore feeling like shit and hurting my friends. There is so much and so many reasons why I don’t want to live anymore. Sexual Abuse, court case, sexual confusion and feelings for someone that I cannot possibly share with them.
I feel the way I do, I cant put into words sufficiently why I do.

So this time everything will be done so very quietly. Noone in the profession has helped or can. The only regret I have is that I will hurt my friend in doing this. But I love her too much to continue causing her shit and hurting her repeatedly with my bullshit life.

As for my babies, well I know for fact they will be so much better not having me in their life. No emotional abuse from me. No more yelling and crying. They like me will finally have the peace they need.

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