I Saw Myself As Worthless and Life As Pointless.

I remember the night all so clearly, it was the first of august 2004, i was 15.
In the afternoon i came home and just sat down on my bed and cried for the whole entire afternoon (something that i had come to do on a daily basis). After what seemed like 3000 tears i proceeded to write many suicide notes for all the people I’ve ever loved. i was feeling so low that i just couldn’t see a way out of my situation. As this is way to hard to write about I’ll include some snippets that were included in one of my notes titled “why I’ve decided to do such a horrible thing to myself” that i wrote to give everyone a bit more understanding.
‘everyday it just hurt way to much to wake up and to face the world and everyone in it, including me.’
‘every night the sadness inside me would crack open my chest and i couldn’t stop the tears from falling. crying hurt me a lot’
‘the person i want to be and the person i am are two totally different things’.
‘some people were so mean to me that waking up everyday to face those people became a chore, something that i never wanted to do. it hurts me to know that some people can be so cruel. i wished and preyed so often that they would just leave me alone but they never did………….
………..everything that they had said about me just couldn’t leave my thoughts. “ugly”, “dog”, “gross”, “downie” was some of the things that i would hear on a daily basis. don’t say that I’m not any of those things because if it wasn’t true they wouldn’t have said it………..
………..i tried to change the way i looked but still they just couldn’t see’.
‘what hurt me the most though is that it was all true. for so long i tried to ignore them all and all their games they would play but there comes a day when you have to step back and really look at yourself and try to understand “why are they so horrible to me?” ‘
‘i use to believe that i was a special person but why couldn’t anyone else see that?’
after all the cruel words and actions that people would do to me everyday i thought that the only way that it was ever going to end was if i wasn’t here anymore.
after writing my goodbye notes which was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i went to my closet and gathered up all my belts and started to tie them all together. it was 2am and everyone was asleep, i went outside, got a chair put it on top of the table, tied one end to the beams and then put the other end around my neck. i remember pulling the belt around my neck so tight that it had already begin to choke me. i closed my eyes, preyed, said sorry, cried and then stood off the table. i don’t know how long i was hanging there but the feeling was horrible. But i could still feel air going into my lungs. I didn’t understand, i thought that as soon as i stood off that table everything would be over…………. one of the belts snapped (the worn out leather one). i hit the ground hard and couldn’t believe that i had failed, i just sat there and cried my heart out.