Love him more than life itself.

January 29th, 2009by Mish

Hi all
I’m a 31 year old mother of 1 son whom has type 1 diabetes. My life is hard as it is with his illness. Constant appointments constant injections. Since he was 3 years old. I was in therapy for a long time I thought I was ok and discontinued for 3 years. I had a boyfriend at the time of my sons diagnoses but then he left me in 2004 left me with no explanation left the keys under the door with no goodbye. I was devastated. I didn’t understand why he had done this to me. I loved him with all I had. I still do. He was my first true love. I didnt even feel this way about my x husband. He also left me with no goodbye or reason as to why he was leaving but I was ok with that departure.
In September of 08 I found out that the love of my life was in jail. I started communication with him threw letters but once he came out 1 week shy of my birthday I was living my life as usual had my friends had my family he came to visit me on my birthday and it was like we had never been apart the emotions and feelings I had for this man came rushing back to me like a river. We would talk and chat thru myspace and see eachother every once in a while but we would always land in bed. I guess this is where all my emotions came from. I felt as if we were back together again. I was always available for him always home when he needed me. until during one argument he tells me that I’m not his girl or his wife that he’s no dog to be on a leash. I said OK
I in the past years have been a pretty upfront person do what I want when ever I want but when it came to him I would crumble. I would forget my needs and fufill his. I gave this man everything he needed and wanted. I did what ever he wanted. I was available always.I even stopped hanging out with friends for this man, But when I heard that I wasn’t his girl or wife. I felt like a nobody it was a horrible feeling so I decided since Im nothing to you I will go out with my girlfriends and while I was out he called me I answered and he asked where are you? My answer not home, where are you? I said Out. with who? he asked. Friends. he said u dont know what your doing .I said please I’m having a good time dont mess it up. I ask you the public If I’m not his girl why does he care where I’m at and with who?
Did I say something bad? Did I? when I get home I receive a nasty email message saying to forget him forget that he exsists that I don’t think with my head. so many hurtful and angry words. I once again crumbled this time I ingested 12 pills with Liquor crying hysterically leaving him voicemails telling him what I was going to do. I didnt get a call back from him at all. I called my friend hysterically crying that he couldnt understand me I keep saying I dont want to live, I want to die, I dont want to feel any more pain, why me, why me, why is he doing this to me? What did I do in my life to deserve this heartache again. I felt responsible that I brought this upon myself becauseI looked for him when he was in jail. I did this to myself.
As I went in and out of conciousness I cried everytime I opened my eyes with the thought that I was still alive why hadn’t I suceeded? I cried all night and That morning I called a therapist asking for help. I called My BFF and she came to my house to just hold me as I cried and cried I couldnt control my tears, My eyes were swollen from so much crying. I didn’t want to get dressed or put make up on I didnt want to eat. I wanted to DIE. I never once thought about my son who would care for him. No I only thought about my pain and as I write this I cry. Because what would my son have thought about what his mommy did. I am still crying and it’s been since Friday the 23 Of January.I need medication I feel it I know it. I’m still sad I’m still crying and can you imagine I still want him back. I love him so much I love him more than life itself. My friends and family have been asking me if I would do it again. I say I dont know. I feel horrible ,I feel so sad, So very sad, I just wish people could understand my pain. I now have constant babysitters my mom , dad, best friends, I know they mean well. I feel like I’m being watched constantly. Its not a good feeling. I cry like clock work every night at 8:30 pm thats bed time for my son. After I drop him off at school I come back home to sleep. not because I’m tired it’s because I want the day to go by faster. I used to love to listen to music now I can’t without crying. My son asks mom you have a headache I ask why he replies because the music isnt on in the car. I had to step away from this and cry. It took me 4 years to think I was over my X how long will it take me now. My god what have I done to myself.
Thank you for reading
A lonely heart

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