The consequences that I’ve rendered, I’ve gone and fucked things up again.

  January 16th, 2009 by Alexis

This story will mean nothings to you, so here it goes.

I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I disgust myself. I’m so confused about life itself and just me in general it makes me sick. I have no ‘tragic’ story, I fucked up my life and I take responsibility for it. I tried to kill myself at a young age and well…obviously that didn’t work. I don’t even remember why I did it now which is pretty sad. You’d think if you were going to kill yourself you’d at least remember why. I was happy for a couple years after that and then got into middle school where I used the whole ‘kill myself’ ploy for attention. Which is part of the reason I can’t stand myself now. I’m an attention whore but yet at the same time I’m not. I realize what I do for attention and when I do it, it’s disgusting. It’s not me at all but yet I can’t stop. I’ve toned it down and don’t go to the extremes anymore but everything in my life is a lie. Literally everything except my name. Anyway, back to what I was saying I lost my childhood best friend in 7th grade due to stupid adolescent drama. I found a new best friend later that year who I completely opened up too. She was amazing, she relied on me she loved me she told me I was the best friend she ever had we did everything together. (Just to fill you in I am a female too) Long story short we hit it off and she knew my life story within a month of meeting her. I loved that girl to death and frankly I still do. Long story short I was so scared I was going to loose her that I think I pushed her away. I had lost many best friends and had many close people leave me (my dad left me and my mom when I was young and I never really got over it) and I loved this girl so much I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her. Long story short I started doing things for attention and starting fights with her just so she’d have to talk to me to work things out and I told her I’d kill myself just so she would care. Looking back on it now I was a fucking pathetic moron and it makes me sick. Anyway freshman year of high school we we’re closer then ever and even became intimate. This only fucked me up farther because now I was not only a freshman in a new high school which was overwhelming in itself, but now I was confused about my sexuality. We continued as…basically lovers for about a year, then at the end of freshman year a bomb went off. First off my uncle had an unseen and massive heart attack that has left him (still to this day) in a 4-year old type mentality. Then my best friend/lover of almost 5 years completely 180’d on me. She told me I was obsessive and that I was going to come murder her in her sleep along with her family and that we couldn’t be friends anymore and that everything was over.
This
devastated
me.
I can’t even describe to you how I felt, and I am still not over it. I don’t think I will ever completely be over it. I never got closure because she never gave me a reason. I later found out that one of her other extremely close friends prompted her into tell me all this and basically brainwashed her but when I asked her about she denied everything; so still no closure to this day. That really fucked me up…really fucked me up. I can’t even describe it and I know you’re going to judge me on it and I don’t really care. Which leads me to my next thing, I never got over that and I started taking pills; smoking; drinking; cutting; everything to actually kill myself. But this time it wasn’t for attention but sometimes I think it was. I don’t know and this is what confuses me about myself. Looking back I can’t decide is I really wanted to die or if I just wanted to be saved. This is the first time I’m actually being honest about this because just to let you know I am a compulsive liar. I lie to my friends 24/7 to get attention and even go as far as to psychically injure myself and tell them I got ‘beat up’ for sympathy. I do not know why I do this, I really cannot tell you why but I can’t stop. It sickens me to think about it but I really can’t stop. Anyway I went through my sophomore year drinking and smoking and skipping and popping pills and ODing plenty of times not to mention I recieved credit denial in 3 of my classes. But then during the middle of the year I was diagnosed with two tumors in my abdomen around my ovaries. They were not cancerous but still we’re a little worrisome as I was 15 and did not know what to expect getting surgery. Long story short the surgery went fine and after that they gave me oxicodone to deal with the pain….big mistake. I quickly overdosed myself on those and almost shut down my liver—this time not for attention. Now, with a bunch of less relevant stuff in between, here I am. And I can honestly say I feel nothing. I feel like I’m just here—I’ve had my ups and god they were good. And I’ve had my lows and damn they were bad. But to be alive…breathing, psychically living, to have thousands of friends and feel completely alone, to just be here and feel nothing…it’s sickening. I used to dream when I was little I would grow up and I was gonna do something with my life. Go into high school and make straight A’s and stay outta trouble and be happy. Now what do I have to show for it? I’m failing out of high school, I have some cuts on my arm, tons of friends who don’t give a shit about me, some close friends who would die for me but I refuse to bother, and a lot of empty nights alone with alcohol.
I’m a disappointment to my family and to myself. I wasn’t supposed to turn out this way…that’s the thought that constantly haunts me. I have no feelings for anything anymore; not my family, my friends, my pets, myself, my future, my studies, my life. I feel nothing to be alive. I never knew how sad I could really be until I just went numb. I guess jaded is the right word. I don’t think I can get out of this whole and the pathetic part is I know I’m better then this. That’s why it sickens me but I can’t change I have no motivation, no passion about anything. I’m a lazy pathetic worthless piece of shit that seems to fuck up more then actually doing good. I’ve come to accept that fact I probably won’t make it out of my teenage years. It doesn’t bother me that much because this time I’m not telling anyone. This time it’s not for attention this time no one will know. I just wanted someone so desperately to talk to but I realized I just burden people and I can’t stop my lies.
I hate myself.
There’s no point in living anymore if you’re just existing.

And with all that, I leave you with this:

“It’s been a while
since i could say that i wasn’t addicted and
It’s been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It’s been a while
Since I’ve gone and fucked things up just like i always do
It’s been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when i’m with you
But everything I can’t remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone and fucked things up again

Why must i feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

Its been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
and it’s been awhile
since I said I’m sorry”

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