Ok then, I don’t suppose there is much point me lying anymore. I do that a lot, lying, it always seems to be the best way to continue without actually living or letting anything out. The problem is I want to live, I don’t want to be one of these people that just pretends to be someone else and never feels true emotion. I suppose it’s easy, I should know I’ve been doing it for the fourteen years of my life. But these days I just feel myself wanting to scream and breakdown, I don’t want to put a brave face on it; I don’t want to push it aside. I want people to know what and who I am, not the person I pretend to be. I’ve tried I really have, talking to my closest friends; I told them pretty much everything about what I really felt. But either they didn’t believe me, or they didn’t care. I felt so betrayed; I was there for all of them with a shoulder to cry on, even with the most trivial things. I’ve spent my whole life making others feel better and sacrificing my own happiness in the process. I had that all thrown in my face when I told them.

So why? why bother anymore, I devoted my life to others, but when I was in need I was left disserted and alone. So what do I do now, I am left not only alone, but without love or passion, it’s all been drained out of me. I need someone to listen, someone who cares, someone who can restore maybe some of the life I once had. I have not found such a person. And so I go back to my lies which I can take comfort in. But now the give me no comfort, only make me more alert to the pathetic situation im in. My disguise is cracking; the people around me have started noticing. Still none ask what’s wrong, just have a go at me for being depressed. I don’t have the energy to correct this, I used to be so careful…now I simply don’t see the point. I want to live, but I can not until someone helps. I want to help, but I cannot because I don’t have the energy. I want to die, but I don’t have the emotion. And all the time I feel sick at myself for saying these things, im not the one who wants im the one who gives. Can’t we be selfish in death? That’s what I want to know.