Hey everyone..I haven’t posted in a while..So yeah..I found out along with my severe depression and anxiety..I’m bipolar and they can’t even diagnose what stage because of how fast my mood changes. Plus I am on the boarder line of having a personality disorder like split personalities. So I am on mood stabilizers and anxiety meds..I guess they kinda help, they just make me really sleepy is all I know..I also found out that I’m pretty much disabled from having all my problems with my mind and my nerves and all this other stuff so that is just great, I found that out today..I also tried to tell my mama that I am bisexual by just asking questions and she said “I will pray for you” she wouldn’t accept it..She wouldn’t kick me out if I told her but she wouldn’t accept it. I still have my thoughts about cutting and suicide but they are less now..I haven’t cut/stabbed myself in over a month so that’s good but I feel as if I’m slowly drifting away from everything and everyone I care about..i meant I barely leave my room anymore..I barely see my friends at school (Who I’m loosing most of cause I’m a 10th grader and they are seniors}…I’m only fifteen and I have felt this way since I was seven. And as E.A.P said “I become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity” (E.A.P is Edgar Allen Poe} I also feel as if my family..If I ever told them how I really feel or that I’m bi they would be like “put her in the mental house” “get her baptized” “GET THE HOLY WATER AS WE PRAY FOR HER” fuck man..I’m scared I really am
So basically this is my first post and itâ€™s going to be shitty sorry.
â€¦buuut yeah, my name is Brianna and honestly, I donâ€™t want to be living here on this bullshit planet any longer. Iâ€™m tired of getting judged by the music IÂ listento, the clothes I wear, what I look like the next day, and so forth. My life to me is honestly completely useless. I wake up everyday feeling like a mistake, and that I shouldâ€™ve never been born. Iâ€™ve been called names like slut, emo, ****, *****, and been told that no one likes me, Iâ€™m depressed all the time, I complain too much, and bunches of shit like that. To me, it would be such a great adventure to just die. I honestly donâ€™t see the point in me living anymore. Iâ€™ve lost nearly all of my friends to me being sad and depressed. My parents make me feel like everything is my fault, and that I basically canâ€™t do anything right. Iâ€™ll be having a good day atÂ school, then come home and my grandmother asks me to do something. If I donâ€™t do it specifically how she asks, she yells at me, when I didnâ€™t do it â€œher wayâ€. Every weekday I get off the bus, into our car, and she asks me â€œHello Brianna, how was school todayâ€, very rarely do I ever tell her what really goes on at school. I always lie to her face and say everything is â€œfineâ€ or â€œokayâ€. Â I get picked on, I get pushed around, bullied, tripped, my hair gets pulled, and so much more. I have lots of friends, but to me itâ€™s just like Iâ€™m not even there. The other day i was in gym class, we walk/jog around each time before our lesson. I was walking with my friends, talking to them and all of the sudden, this girl comes up and butts me out of my group. Thatâ€™s when it really kicked in.
That no one would notice if I never showed up for school. No one would notice if I didnâ€™t show up in the hallway, and believe me, that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.
I continued walking, but this time, by myself. The entire time, not one of my friends came up to ask me if I was alright. Later on that day, my English teacher saw me walking in from my 3rd block(since I have her during 4th block). During my 3rd block that day, I was yelled at by my Pre-AP Science teacher(what else is new, I get yelled at by her everyday). Anyway, my English teacher saw my face, and it was like an angel sent from heaven, she asked if I was okay. I said no, but she instantly said â€œOh Iâ€™m sorry about that Briannaâ€. Yeah, me too. Tears welled up in my eyes, coming from the shit day I was having. I usually get into my 4th block earlier than the guy that sits behind me. He walks in and literally pushes my books all over the floor, and is laughing. My tears were threatening to spill from my eyes, but I said nothing.
People look at me as a role model, a great friend, a beautiful girl with high ambitions in life, but me? I look at myself asÂ completeÂ shit. I canâ€™t help it. I compliment people everyday, because I love to see a smile on someoneâ€™s face. Every time I give someone a compliment, I come home to these awful hate messages left in my kik. Itâ€™s seriously so awful, and Iâ€™m really sensitive to stuff like that.
But thereâ€™s this guy, I know I know, it sounds really corny, but I seriously like him a lot. He is so sweet, and a really great friend, and weâ€™ve started talking a whole lot more lately than we used to. I know this might sound crazy, but heâ€™s honestly the only person I look forward to seeing at school besides my greatest friend in the whole wide world. He makes me so happy, and has told me that Iâ€™m a really great friend. I explained to him just a few days ago that sometimes I get really sad and stuff, and do things to myself that I regret, but he doesnâ€™t understand. He has the perfect life, whereas Iâ€™m just a girl who cries basically all the time and obsesses over bands and photography.
I guess thatâ€™s all I really have to say tonight.. I need a place to vent anonymously, so I guess this should be the place? I guess itâ€™ll be a journal type thing too, now that would be a great idea for me.
Thanks so much for reading, if you even read it all aha! Advice and things like that is welcome, I appreciate everyone that took the time to listen to me vent, hopefully Iâ€™ll try to make this a daily thing.
Just remember, if youâ€™re going through a rough period right now(kinda like i am) feel free to talk to me, vent, anything you need to do. Iâ€™m here for anyone.<3
I have spent a long time reading through this site. But never posted.
For the last 3 years now is struggled with depression, caused by job stress, relationship etc. Over the last two month I hit a patch where my job and my boss brought me right down. I’d entertained the idea of suicide, but could never go any further than that because of my partner, whom I love very much.
So for two months I’ve fought back, getting back to a healthy state, then on saturday night, after a good day in the sun, drinking and enjoying my time with my partner and friends, I go inside and break down. Crying uncontrollably saying how awful I am. My partner ges everyone to leave and tries to comfort me, but all I can say is how much better off the world would be without me. Having had a brother who had attempted suicide she must have sort help. But within minutes of speaking with her brother I heard different people call up, ask her if she could get out the house and call the police.
So later she’s gone, the police have taken me to the hospital to chat to a doctor. At this stage I’m quite calm, and realize how silly I’ve been. I then get a text saying she cares about me but she’s going. This has sent me off the edge.
The only reason I’ve never ended it is because of her, and now she’s either had enough, or her family have turned her against me.
So this morning, after a day of grief I’ve very calmly been putting my plan together. For 7 months I’ve been researching the helium exit method. Today I’ve gone and got the bag, elastic etc and have been practicing with it, emptying out the air, breath out, then putting the bag on. I’m strangely calm about it, and have no problems with the bag on my head.
I’ve found a local shop, where I can hire a large cylinder of helium, 45 cubic feet with regulator, and just found the corner I can get the PVC piping.
So, my final plan is to talk to her tonight, or try. After 8 years she must let me talk to her right?. I just need her back, she doesn’t need to live with me, and I’m happy to give her some space, but I do need her back.
If that doesn’t go well I’m going to calmly keep working towards the end.
I don’t want to hear how it might get better, how this is just the shock. I am doing this now because I’m able to now, with nothing to hold me back. I’ve wanted this for too long now for it just to be a phase. It is something I have carefully considered for months.
I just want to share my story, and I know there are supportive people here who will let me do what I need to do to be happy
The more I grow up the more I get older
Physically yes, but psychologically more
It’s like we have to be much more colder, to live life without being hurt
We build up walls so that we don’t get burned, that we fight
the urge of genuinely caring for each other.
Sweetheart, I’m only twenty years old and I started building this house of stone guarded by
Thorns to tear apart those
Who try to destroy the only heart
That I have
A lot of people don’t understand that
The joy that I have is not me trying
To be happy
If I were to be happy,
I’d have been dead a long time ago.
Happiness is based on circumstance, and the circumstances I’ve been through
Haven’t even gently kissed the
I can tell you that over 20 times I’ve been so close to suicide
So how can you give me such a temporary
Diagnosis if you don’t even
know or want to know
what’s going on
inside my mind?
I’ve come so close to losing this fight because I’ve been told so many times that I am nothing, and a no one
And I believed it for a while
“Oh my precious darling there is someone out there that has it worse than you”
You know what? That may be true
And I don’t want to be selfish…
So I sit in my bathtub, vulnerable and naked, and broken
holding a bottle of pills with my pruney hands
My eyes drenched from a constant salty abyss.
And cry quietly so no one can listen to me, praying silently
Someone save me from this
Choice I’m about to make
ARE YOU INSANE PEOPLE
DONT YOU THINK IVE TRIED TO FOLLOW THIS GAME OF TRYING
AND TRYING AND TRYING
to BE HAPPY…. Just to survive.
It’s like trying to tell a man with no legs, to run a race…
Or the blind woman to describe the colours of the autumn trees.
It’s like an impossible, insulting remedy to try and cheer people up; when the people who just see grey, are trying so hard
To display an emotion
That is so hard to obtain
When inside it’s full of sadness and a response that says “I’m fine. No really.
I’m tired of these corny bible desserts people have tried to feed me.
“Oh The Lord wasn’t depressed so ye must be heealed thee”
So you’re telling me you want me to suppress this pain that I have carried?
“Oh no no what I’m saying is that you’re a bitter human being, and Christians shouldn’t be sad, and Christians should live happy and live happily and always be happy, and while you’re at it… Just put a smile on your face and forget the past. And while you forget the past, STOP SOBBING YOU ARE MAKING A SCENE.”
IM TRYING IM TRYING TO BE QUIET
STOP LISTENING TO ME
I tell this story,
Hopefully opening my life up to you
Take it or leave but I only ask you to chew this slowly.
Hiding no longer holds me
The pain no longer scares me
The only way to heal is to open up in a raw and fully.
A little blonde girl, big blue eyes
And pretty bows
Laughing her head off, but inside
Her little heart no one knows
That she has cried over and over in her poems
she never wants to grow older
She’s growing colder,
And she hates it
Her hands are freezing,
Someone warm her up please….
Since 6 years old, she’s experienced the brutality of words.
She was told by the demons
In her mind,
And inside other people’s minds,
that she was so unwanted, that
“Hey this girls parents have been lying this whole time that they loved her. ”
At 10 years old, she went to a camp to try and make friends,
To try and learn about how much God loves her but…
She thought if God loved her so much, why would he let her meet
The people who changed her mindset on life?
It was a mix of girls between the ages of 10-14
And that little blonde girl was trying so hard to fit in
But fitting in cost her stabs within
They would take her letters that this girl wrote to her mom, bring them to the bathroom, and wipe themselves
with it and give it back to her.
They called that “fun”.
Even the camp counsellor didn’t believe her, she would tell that little girl that it won’t happen again,
But when it did happen again
That little girl looked at her counsellor and…
That counsellor laughed…
That little girl was never defended
What the counsellor said.
Her word was not kept.
She was told she was so stupid that she would never get a real
Her friends parents would tell her that she won’t get a real job with her attitude,
She had to constantly prove she was smart like her friends…
She was that girl who couldn’t understand the numbers,
The equations or the decimals.
She choked when the teacher would try to teach her,
And once the teacher asked her to answer an equation in front of the class,
The girl was so frail, like glass.
And the teacher replied “Answer stupid!”
That little girl…..
she was that funny one who could get people laughing,
That one person who was everyone’s shoulder to cry on,
But when that girl had tears
In fear of rejection,
She cried alone on a cold boulder,
she stayed strong because rejection wasn’t an option
So she bottled up emotions.
She stayed hidden in pride
At 12 years old she wrote stories about her dreams that she disappeared from her world of pain,
And leaving to find a place of relief and acceptance.
She wanted to disappear. That’s where it all started, and that’s when she started writing
She wrote about death like it was a nonchalant response to her
She didn’t know how to control the hurt inside,
She felt she was wasting others valuable time by opening up what’s inside.
She was like a broken painted window,
So colourful on the surface but so broken on the ground..
This little girl grew up with acne
Her smile was the only thing that could hide
her defiled face.
Her smile was the only thing she had at the age of fifteen
Her innocence was stolen from a boy who didn’t deserve a piece of her sweetness.
He craved her from the start,
And threw it all away
With more than half a dozen girls including one of her best friends,
And all for a boy in the end,
To realize that he was better off
Wanting more and more from
This sweet girl who had nothing left
And this anger boiled
To this heart-wrecked broken heart
Being used by a boy who
Tore her apart, and tried to take her all,
But her escaping the basement of a dark relationship
was a close call,
But it will never leave her memory,
He was a boy who didn’t know what love was,
Only lust ran through his mind,
As he eyed this broken girl every single time.
She left him.
So she could leave her brokenness behind.
She never felt this way….
She cried herself to sleep in joy
Why? Why? How can you say why?
Do you see that smile? No one can ever take that smile from her.
See her smile?
When she found out she got lost in him
And she realized he got lost in her,
And they got lost as they let themselves be lost in love ,
And isn’t it great to be with someone who sees life the way you do,
For me it’s like i feel my soul breaking open,
From this frozen tomb.
It’s this blessing, from whom someone can make life so beautiful.
But that tomb relapsed, and the tears collapsed, as her heart was crushed, and her walls were broken, as she tried to escape
The pain from this nightmare when she
Heard the mocking all over again.
You are so mentally and emotionally unstable,
That I don’t want to open up to someone who is so different from me.
Take my son away? I’ll take your name away.
You’ve got it all wrong,
No no this is my only son and I can’t let him go because he is MINE.
So you’re going to justify that and claim I’m a bitter human being, so you can cover your pride.
Will it hurt your pride? Is that against your personality to be transparent inside?
A NIGHTMARE phase took place – being called the reason one’s life or one’s family is breaking apart, destroyed and crushed….
puts a burden on the shoulders of her mind and her heart.
And she didn’t try to start this.
Look I have problems of my own, do I look like I’m trying to feed off your pain?
I want to let you know that the more you’ve named me as this emotionally, mentally unstable lady,
You are only pointing at the only person who is speaking.. And that’s not me.
Being called a psychopath is one of those words that sinks in deep.
You see when you called me these names not only do you spill them so carelessly,
But I carefully replay the aching memories of people taunting me.
You may think that it’s harmless and your opinion is so important,
Well Canadians fought for the right to speak,
Well pardon me, but I didn’t know that the rule was entitled to bullies
Heck, pretend to forget.
Pretend we never had this,
And pretend to sweep this under this disgusting carpet, you’ve tried to make with your own two hands
Weaved carelessly, and furiously.
But for me,
Im sorry I can’t be around that.
your words are getting so toxic that your words are like a blade made of poison and fire.
Where there’s smoke, you better swing higher,
Jab that blade into my chest
And I’ll scream “LIAR” but
For me to scream is not audible for your ears to hear.
I’ve even thought “would I rather endure this subtle abuse or drink anti-freeze?”
And I wept.
I CONTEMPLATED DRINKING ANTI FREEZE DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HORRIBLE THAT IS?
What an unstable girl, I am
Emotionally and mentally
Why are you with her
When there’s so many others out here?
You see her weeping in front of the world,
Why choose her when you are throwing your life to the wolves…
I’m here to prove I’m still alive,
And though these cruel words are so true, and it can make one think of the haunting memories I’ve faced in my past.
Or maybe it’s a hidden thing where you weren’t accepted, and the wounds still ache. And re-open and spill gangrene all over this place……….
I hope you find the healing that you constantly chase after, but I swear
This world won’t heal that severely broken heart,
There is something only supernatural powers can do.
I’m crying here, vulnerably here..
Lifting my hands out like this
Praying God I don’t care what happens, but help this heal those who feel the same pain as I do.
I’d rather be real, than pretend to enjoy being wounded.
Our world does enough pretending, and that’s where the it’s ending.
I don’t want to live all together, because I know that’s not the truth.
So many people are breaking, I can hear all these heart crashing…
I may be this girl who is not like the others, but I don’t mind it.
Maybe my joy deep inside makes you suspicious inside
And unfortunately this jealousy has become so poisonous that I can no longer survive another day longer in your sight
Only when truth is real, and real is raw.
Your pain and your words may have destroyed me further, but The Lord meant it for me to share this story.
And if some don’t like their character in this story, unfortunately they should’ve played their role properly.
It’s a story to share to people who face a broken past,
My past is open for you to take it or leave it.
But please before you take this information,
I spoke with my whole heart, and I know that I hate getting older.
But the more I get older, the less I get bitter.
The less I get bitter,
The more I get better.
Healing is real. Give me the scissors and I’ll cut down these thorns that entangle this stone home, that homes my heart.
I am a 17 year old male and for as long as I can remember have been good at everything. I am also pretty good looking but I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and not for the usual reasons either. I honestly feel there is no point in life. To get old and die one day don’t sound to good to me. Not because I’m afraid of getting old because I see no point in working to take care of myself when ill just die anyway. Â I consider my self Â strange because I don’t wanna die and say the world is better with out me or some other bs because it probably isn’t I just sit and think to my self that there is no point to life if we die and like life I question everything else saying to my self what’s the point of this. In this world created by humans in a system of Â government created by humans only some will succeed by doing insane things. My problem is I don’t see the point of living in a system created by other people and have there rules forced on me. Maybe I haven’t lived long enough to figure out life or maybe I just figured it out early and its not that I would like to die its that I would like for everything to stop I’d like to stop existing but who knows I might one day wake up with a reason to live like love or some other bs but for now ill sit around my house smoking weed listening to joey bada$$, Kendrick Lamar, and Shredding on my skate board down the streets of Montgomery Al. Ps. I did this all on my iPhone so sorry about the bad writing. -Skate Life forever
I’ve stopped caring and so has everyone else. I’m struggling to find a reason to keep living this awful life, it’s not like I’ll go far in life anyways. Everyone dies eventually, why can’t I just make it happen for myself?
Love is after us 24/7 . But in the end ,you ended up in Hellâ€¦if
you make that fault mistake â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦ but mine you ,youâ€™ll
Â still be in Love. I am Human but I bleed just like everyone
else. When she has her trying days, I listened to the rocks and
stones that come my way. Â Is this Love? Love is who you,
Surrender too. Whoever ,you think you where.Â Thatâ€™s when
ever thing changes, when Love, comes knocking on your
door.Â Love blinded you to a Fault, it Trust everything. It has
Faith in honor, without question. Believing is to convince
your mind, that the heart in your soul is safe Â ,and that youâ€™ve
Â found that which youâ€™ve been screeching for your whole
life.Â Â Â Not really Â now Â that reality starterâ€™s to replace the faces
of images that areÂ darkerÂ than even the light , just shades of
hope yields itsÂ head up and then Â down underÂ the waves
again.Â Looking for air , searching for the light that will bring
you Â to life thinking only of the good .Â Â But yet again youâ€™ve,
come to your knees to surrender your wiliness in the name of
Love . For your mine and heart rules for the good, yet you
forgotten the other side .yet you stay, you remember the
good, You are still whole and safe. Â Spreading like a virus
Â ,this thing called Love.Â Itâ€™s like Heroin to the soul, once
tasted one canâ€™t ever come back from its depths and halls of
mirrors. Â The highs and the lows,Â and the feel, the taste, the
longing Gone. Â Yet weâ€™re all looking for it, like a junkie on the
corner. Knowing that it will even kill our souls . BUT Youâ€™ll
take that chance. Faith has you by the hand an whisper in
your ear ,itâ€™s there youâ€™ll find it . Turn to the book it will save
you, but the book is only trust, I canâ€™t touch faith, I canâ€™t hold
on to it for comfort. I canâ€™t cry on its shoulder. Its smoke
passing ,though my mine. But to believe, in this enough. My
hunger sends me backÂ to mixing in the streets ,looking, Â but
blinded. Because your sprit has fallen with fear , keep it
penned to the ground. Â Shadows between you moving at a
gleaningÂ ,so affair and yet so far from you. Can you see them
from the darkness . Will the shadow show itâ€™s light. Or in the
coldest of Â light Â you will see them,but only Â in the dark . Â but
they have only the darkness to cling too, soul searching for
that sprite that light . Yes Â its in Â your Mine, it Â doesnâ€™t
remember, its blinded you can see it . Itâ€™s really trying to save
you, from the thought that you are alone. We canâ€™t be alone .
Â Look at all these people all my friends, my family.Â But Â Hope
and Faith and Truth Â are they gone as well , where are they.
Â You see the devil , instead of the angel inside Â of you killing
Â the truth, hiding Â it from the Light. Â Wears is the spark that
Â glows in the night , that it may show me the way to the top ,
can I make it too reality . Too know , too feel, too believe, too
hope, too trust in love even after it has brought Â me so much
pain . Â Â YESÂ ,We are weak to no end , we have no power
against it. How can you lie to yourself? Â Itâ€™s Over.Â Â Itâ€™s gone .
Now where are your feeling ?Â Canâ€™t you see them, or are they
lost like a face in aÂ pictures. Â Is this all that, there is.
Â Question Now. Â Who am I. Â Is there another life better than
this, is their time . Â Not even money can buy Â this passion.
Â what are we looking for, Â its priceless .Â Itâ€™s the Â lock inside
Â your hearts mine, that will take you there, wear is the key
,how do I fine it. . Every day we ask the same Â questionÂ ,
Should I Keep looking on the corner in the streets an feel the
life around me. Should IÂ be looking beyond, the future.
Â STOP and Think , Not really. Knowing the truth that the
pains we fear will only come again are you really ready to do
Â this again. Â The highs and the lows playing the same tune yet
different notes, hidingÂ itself .waiting to be discovered
Â Silence, and still. Brave of heart , yet weak from sprite we
walk along alone glancing, but not looking for the beast to
consume are hearts.Â Â Yet Quietly in the back ground Â we
search it out, Is it theirâ€¦..this LOVE , the truth, the heart ,the
belief in sprite , the trust without doubt , and the knowing
youâ€™re not alone. Â Iâ€™m , I there , I feel the warmth. But when
does the pain start.
But oh wait ,Â yes there is another side. Where the rain falls
,Jealousy, suspicion, faithless, honor, disbelief, dishonor,
betrayedÂ all this is also called LOVE. Â To place fear, as a lose
which causes suspicion to create demons from far Â back in
your mine? Â Bringing out the beast that fight for the heart. Â To
consume its sprite and fasten the link to itsÂ souls to be hole
again. This is to be Â human. Â Your Instinctive, mine believing
Â there is danger . A well of energy with the belief over comes
your sensor. Now comes honor , the blood pouring out from
the woundsÂ where trust faithfulness ,truthfulness Â and rage
of the heart has been give a rock so heavy itâ€™s consuming your
soul. Â Making you do anything it wants you to do again. And
again we fine it all in the name ofÂ LOVE . Love defenses the
heart. Love is to quits the mine, and bring peace to the soul.
But love burns deep in are being. Always looking for us . Day
after day. Love is all around us. Yet we still donâ€™t understand
its system. Only how to react to its triggers. Â Fine a flaw, use it
to defense, yourself.Â Fine a JOY, use it to create.Â That time,
that moment, that place .capture forever in the well of
memory.Â When they ask how empty the glass is. You answer
No how full is it with Love.Â But to blink is a life time gone
away.. To experience love is forever. Because we hold it so
close to our hearts, when asked Â HWDDOGÂ Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â about a time,
love shines the light back in time to, yes I remember. Â You
look back at time and how fast it has gone. And with it also
love. Past, Â present, and after we have gone. And then the
fading starts. Look back and see if you can remember .Then
theyâ€™ll be a moment, then a occasionally, than a mention and
then at the end, there is I wonder. Â Now the circle is complete
the flame has now burned out gone, from memory .Only a
faded photograph remains. And when asked youâ€™ll say. Â I
remember thatâ€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦all Â Â she / he Â wanted was love .
â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦.LOVE AND ITS MEANINGÂ â€œâ€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â by HWDOG
And here I am. Writing on a website my feelings of sadness.
I have no friends. No one to talk to. A crazy family that I live with but try to avoid because of my disagreements of their lifestyle. Im a very stubborn person. I feel that Im broken as a result of my own family. I feel mental anguish. I have RSI in my wrist from too much typing, writing, mouse clicking. I am on medication for something that was caused by my family. I despise medication. I havent had real friends for 7 years. Ive been depressed since I was 16. Even though ive been wronged my entire life. Im forced to go to university against my will. I do not seek wealth. I seek peace. Im afraid of failure. Im afraid of befriending people. Im afraid of my future. Im afraid of not feeling justice. Im sad that others feel the same way I do. I feel trapped. Trapped in my parents house. Everything would be better if I could leave. But that requires money. Ive worked for low pay before. Hated it. I want to get training. But I do not want university. I enjoy learning. But I cant handle more stress. I seel a minimalistic lifestyle. But research indicates that it would not be easy for me to attain a minimal stress lifestyle. Working for minimum wage would be stressful. My family thinks I am going to be successful. But I do not care. They judge so much. I do not care. I do not wish to raise children in this creul world, so I will not be having any. I will be judged for that too. I wish to have a relationship with someone and friendships. But ive been isolated so long I cant make any. I dont know how. Im too bitter. I feel jealous of others who didnt put up with what I put up with. My parents fought my whole life. Still do. Knowledge is depressing. The more I learn the more hope/dread/ anxiety I accumulate. I appreciate beauty and art. I appreciate good people. I despise the unemployment rate in america. I despise mean people. I was bullied a few times in school. I told myself that I wasnt. I didnt let myself believe that I was being bullied. I often dismissed the idea of bullying. I hated the moments. I blocked them from memory. I hated feeling weak and powerless against immature, rude, disrespectful, trashy children. But that was long ago. That caused me to become even more withdrawn. I have no friends by choice. I felt strong in high school knowing I didnt need others. Others felt intimidated by me. I wasnt weak. But my intimidation didnt help me aquire friends. The barrier I surrounded myself with is still very strong today. The bullying was mild. others stories are much worse than what I went through. That makes me sad. Most of my shield came from my bad upbringing. Going to school depressed from your home life is the worst feeling. I have horrible social skills. I feel wronged. Broken.
My life is sad. My life doesnt make sense. I feel like I am too weak to survive in this harsh world. Survival of the fittest is something I know is true. ive read so much.
This was written on a small touchscreen keypad. Not essay format. these are feelings I never share. sorry if they are hard to decipher. Im normally a grammar freak. But this small screen does me no justice.
I can’t stand anything anymore. I’m so bitter about everything. i hate my job, my friends are awful, I am stuck in a town that I have lived in my whole life, i didn’t bother applying for any colleges because my grades always sucked and now I’m stuck going to a stupid community college and I don’t want to go to college right now. I am not mentally stable enough to pass any courses and I have to pay out of pocket because I don’t qualify for any financial aid. But I have to go or else I have to pay my parents rent because they want me to go to college so bad. But my heart just isn’t in it. What I really want is to go to New York. i want to live there and experience the New York lifestyle. i went there in March and completely fell in love with it and ever since I’ve been home, I have missed it like crazy. But I don’t think i can get there and I don’t have patience to stay here any longer. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so stuck and I’m full of such anxiety about the future, and I just don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel like such a failure and almost like I don’t even deserve to live. I have so many negative thoughts going thorugh my mind at one time that tell me that I shouldn’t be alive right now and that I should just kill myself because the universe is against me and I’m not allowed to be happy.
I have been waiting at the bus stop of a very long time now, waiting for my bus to come.. the assurance that I CAN get on a bus when ever I want without much Baggage gives me some kind of relief.
This is basically how my day goes. I don’t really get sound sleep during the night, its pretty much disturbed and when ever I wake up in between, during that little time when your sleep gets disturbed and you fall back asleep, I could only think about CTB.
when I wake up in the morning I am pretty sure that today is the day, an that I am finally going to get on the bus tonight.Â I spend the next few hours going over minute details and searching internet for method files.. I read and re-read same content again and again so that I could be absolutely sure. As the day goes by I make mental notes of what my final notes is supposed say, IF I decide to leave one.
By evening I try out my technique and clean up my spot and my room and wait for nightfall.Â BUT when it is actually night, I get really sleepy and half heartily postpone it by one more day.
I still have a soft cloth-scarf noose hanging from my window(one that I have made for partial strangulation), and a thick nicotine paste that I extracted from 1000 cigarettes, a packet full of “fake” cyanide powder that I bought from an internet dealer,and a really sharp thick blade, all waiting to full fill their full purpose.
I am not afraid of dying but I just get so drained physically and mentally by the end of the day, with all the preparation, that I just feel this need to get some REAL sleep before I DO something and I end just end up over sleeping with the random sleep-wake cycle and post pone IT by one more day. And the same cycle continues.
So my question is, What is it that I am doing wrong, can anyone help me understand…??? does any one know of any easy method out??
Every day I wake up and go through the same shit, nothing necessarily bad, nut nothing good, ever.
Every time I think something good is gonna happen and make stuff better, it doesn’t, and I just end up feeling worse.
I have a lot of friends, and I’m pretty popular, but every fucking day shit gets worse.
I used to be laidback and funny and outgoing and just a nice fucking person but everyday my patience runs shorter and I’m starting to become so paranoid and I get losses off so fucking easily anymore.
This has been ongoing for the past 6 months and it really hasn’t snapped into my perception until pretty recently.
I failed school last year cause I stopped giving a fuck about school, I’m going on 16 and going into 10th grade btw.
People have been telling me lately that I’m selfish anymore and sometimes a can’t smile for the fucking life of me I feel so shitty and my mom or someone will ask ‘why do you look so depressed’, so I just give them a fucking look and they’ll say ‘just cheer up’.
Last time my mom told me to just cheer up I fucking exploded and said ‘how the fuck am I supposed to cheer up when nothing makes me fucking happy, I have no money, I’m not exactly fit, I’m not in a relationship, tell me how the fuck I’m supposed to just ‘cheer up’.
She said it’s just a phase you’ll get over it.
I can’t see that happening anytime soon.
It’s just been this way for so long.
Nothing that used to make me happy works anymore, in fact they just make me feel worse.
I’m a casual weed smoker but I’m looking for something more concealable and much more effective.
I’m thinking of getting opiates from one of my best friends, for now at least until It gets better.
The only thing that I can really see making me happy is a real relationship, but, being a gay guy, I don’t want to come out to the school, and all the guys that I have gone out with before have been those stereotypical fags that talk with the stupid fucking accent, that dress in pink and stuff.
So I guess my question to you guys would just be, can anyone relate, at least to some degree?
It’s taken me my whole life to realise that have never been “happy.” I was never happy as a child, tween, and now into my teenage years, my sad feelings have developed into anxiety, anorexia, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. I turned to drug use and alcohol. I still smoke and drink a lot. I have these sleeping pills and sometimes I just hold them and think about how easy it would be to just go. I am disgusted by my body and spirit. I think sometimes, it’s not worth living if I can’t even love myself. I have been trying to like my body for years, but I just can’t do it. I started cutting seriously a few days ago and it’s like the only thing that makes me feel better when I’m sober… except for One Direction. I’m not being ironic, although it sure sounds like it. Being in the One Direction fandom has brought me closer to so many people even though we are miles apart. Lately though, my thoughts of suicide have been increasing and strangely enough, I don’t want to get better. I have known only sadness for so much of my life, that if it goes, I don’t think that there will be anything interesting anymore. Honestly, being depressed is just so normal and almost comforting now that I just want it like this but I also don’t want to have my body.
To that little girl, smiling from ear to ear, with no worries on her mind and no demons in her head? Where’s the girl whose smile would light up a room, who laughed like there was no tomorrow, who would spend hours jumping in the rain, where’s the girl who enjoyed life?
What happened to me, what’s wrong with me? Now I am waiting to die, every second of every day just waiting. I’ve been waiting for 4 years now, when will it finally come to an end?
“When you grow up, your heart dies.”-The Breakfast Club.
I am not going into full detail of all the shit that made me who I am today but I’ll give you aÂ little summary.
I was bullied horribly and pretty severely at a private school with 100+ kids and 20 kids in the grade. You were with the same people your whole pre-k to 8th year.
I contemplated suicide at the age of 11 and still do. I wouldn’t let my mom leave because the thoughts of it were overwhelming. She didn’t leave without me but she didn’t take it seriously. I was really going to take a knife and stab myself in the stomach. She didn’t take me to a mental hospital or anything.
Now at 14, after 7 years of bullying and about 5 years of abuse I’m sick and tired of being mistreated. I’ve lost so many people in my life it’s sad. All of my friends have left me and the only person I can lean on can betray me like the rest.
I’ve grabbed the pills and the only thing I need to know is….how will my story end. I’ve thought about suicide my whole life and the saddest part is, I write stupid FF’s and I always want to end them but I give up. Kinda like how I am in life.
Anyways, I’ve lost all faith in God so don’t give me that. And asking for help is not an option. I have a pretty good relationship with my grandma but she thinks people with bipolar disorder are crazy and I can’t imagine what would happen if she found out I was suicidal and deeply depressed. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m bipolar as well.
My mom hates people who commit suicide and says its selfish. She even contemplated suicide but said “it was a joke. I stopped thinking about it after a couple of minutes.”
My mom likes to rub a lot of things in and it really sucks. My dad is the biggest asshole you’ll ever meet and my sister is a two-faced *****. So I have nothing to live for except my crusty stories.
Hopefully someone can give me some guidance on what type of prescription or some form of pills can kill. It’s the absolute ony way I can get rid of my unwanted self.
Has anyone ever kept years worth of emotion bottled up to the point where you’re afraid to release it anymore? to the point that you feel every ounce of rage you can muster suddenly flare whenever the slightest thing irritates you?
This is my third post. It’s been a couple weeks since my last and I’ve gotten a bit better; my first two posts would’ve persuaded any psychiatrist I was ready and willing to commit suicide. I’ve gotten better. Things have started looking up a bit. But that pain still lingers. And with it, an anger I can’t even begin to describe. All my life I’ve striven to maintain control over my anger. When I was little I would watch my Dad blow up, my mom too, and just try to cover my ears and tell myself, “it’ll be over soon, it’ll be over soon…” I knew I didn’t want to be like that. I’m a Cancer (for anyone out there that follows the Zodiac you’ll better understand) so my emotions are naturally pretty volatile. It’s taken a lot of effort to contain them.
Now I feel like I can barely maintain control. I’ve passed the point where I’m afraid what may happen if I release it again. Back when I was in seventh grade I cut loose on a guy in my class who had been practically bullying me for three months prior. IÂ was tired, sick, and in a bad mood overall. He just chose the wrong moment. It didn’t go far at all, the teacher stopped me and I regained my senses before I could do any damage, but still it showed me just how much I had held in. That was years ago, and I still bottle things up… I mean yeah I felt better, but I couldn’t believe how I’d just let myself go… my depression doesn’t help at all, it just erodes my barriers and provides holes for it to escape through. I’ll have days where I feel like I’m about to tear through a wall just to vent and others where I can’t be in the same room with someone who for some reason or another has gotten on my bad side.
I don’t let anyone see it though. I put on a smile and act like nothing’s wrong. Doing that just hurts though. I imagine a day when I can finally find a girl that can soothe all that pain. The pain never ends… I just want peace…
If you want to better understand this, see my earlier posts- “Admitting it and hoping someone is listening”, “What IS the point?”
**DISCLAIMER** I’m not a Zodiac follower or anything, I’ve just read up onÂ it and find it interesting from a philosophical standpoint
Well.How do I start?… Ummm . okay here it goes.Its been almost 4 months that he is gone.I loved him so much and so did he. Yes, my GUY. He died b’cuz of some heart problem. 🙁 . Im 14 years old and life seems like its going to get over.We were in a relationship for 4 years on the whole. He is everything for me.But now I miss him. And I feel like dying . It hurts to know that he is no more, i wanna go away with him.And before he died we fought the other day. He asked me whether I could live a day without talking to him or even looking at him, I said Yes i can.And the next day I got a letter which said that he loved me everytime i looked at him . everytime I spoke to him. And it also said that I proved that I could live without talking to him for a day So I had to live without talking to him for my whole life. I blasted Â out crying when i read it. It felt like everything was falling apart. Now I got the symptoms of a girl with a broken heart. I dont feel like living in this world anymore.It hurts even to see something romantic. I miss him soo much.I still love him,Even after 4 months. I dont know what to do. I need help.
So you want to end your life? Giving up? Lost? No one to talk to? I’m here.. No judgement. Read this first then talk to me! If it didn’t change your perspective, maybe i can.
Before you decide to take your life, imagine who will find you. Imagine them walking into a room, and seeing you just hanging there. Whether it be your little sister, little brother, mother, father, grandparents, a friend. Imagine what will happen when they find you. No, they will not say â€œFinally, theyâ€™re gone.â€ No, they will not say â€œIâ€™m happy they did that.â€ No, they will not say â€œI never loved them anyways.â€ They will die. Their hearts will break. They will hurt, more than you ever could. They will cry, scream, and break down. Theyâ€™ll believe itâ€™s all just a dream, praying to wake up. Except, they wonâ€™t feel that for a few seconds, or a few days, not weeks, nor months. They will feel that until the day they die. Everyday will be hell. Theyâ€™ll think of you every second. Theyâ€™ll hate themselves for not being able to help or save you. Theyâ€™ll wish they could die too. Theyâ€™ll want to give up, just to be with you. They wonâ€™t be ever be happy again. They wonâ€™t smile. They wonâ€™t go back to their daily routine. Theyâ€™ll die every time they walk past your room, or see a picture of you, or think of a memory with you. Theyâ€™ll think, but stay quiet. Theyâ€™ll visit your grave, feeling a knife go through their chest every time. And every morning when they wake up, no matter how long itâ€™s been, theyâ€™ll wake up to thinking theyâ€™ll see you, only to be let down once again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they refuse to admit it, know youâ€™re gone forever.Before you decide to take your life, think of your family, burying you. Yes, your own mother and father are planning your funeral. Itâ€™s supposed to be the other way around, but itâ€™s not. Theyâ€™ll have to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, buy a tomb stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and more; All for their childâ€™s funeral. The morning of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. Tears are streaming down their face, while their heart is breaking. Everyone who you thought didnâ€™t need you, or didnâ€™t care, are waiting in line to see you. They arenâ€™t waiting in line at a party, or a graduation, or at a wedding reception. Theyâ€™re waiting to see you, hands folded, lifeless, in a casket.Before you decide to take your life, think of everyone you will be hurting. Donâ€™t you dare say no one, because absolutely everyone will be affected. Your grandparents, wonâ€™t have a grandchild anymore. Your parents, wonâ€™t have a child anymore. Your brother or sister, wonâ€™t have a sibling anymore. Your pet, wonâ€™t have an owner anymore. That person you sit next to in class, wonâ€™t feel your presence anymore. Your teacher, wonâ€™t have a student anymore. That time your grandparents told you no, will haunt them forever, thinking it is their fault, that you are now dead. That time your parents yelled at you, will haunt them forever, thinking if they didnâ€™t yell at you, you would still be here. That time your sibling said they hated you, will hate themselves, because they believe you would still be alive if they said they loved you instead. Those kids who made you feel bad, will wish they were dead too, because if they just smiled at you instead, you would be here. That teacher that you didnâ€™t meet her expectations, will feel like a failure, because you would still be here, if she believed in you. Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here.
Before you decide to take your life, think. Donâ€™t just think of yourself, think of the consequences for everyone else. No oneâ€™s life will be the same again. That person who God made specially for you, wonâ€™t have you. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never show again. Before you decide to take your life, realize that you may be ending your pain, but youâ€™ll be starting a lifetime of everyone elses.
If you are feeling alone, and think that suicide is the only way out:
My ask is open, and Iâ€™m always here. Iâ€™ll never judge you. Iâ€™ll try to help you.
Talk to me :/ if this makes you feel worse, please email me, im here and i CARE!! your a complete stranger but i care, and iâ€™ve been exactly where you are, reach out to me :3 Please donâ€™t give up hope
– I RECENTLY SAVED A YOUNG 32YR OLD WOMAN on here ,
I can help and im here.. i never left her, and iâ€™ll never leave you, no matter how many times you push me away, iâ€™m always here!
If you live by yourself, or your in a situation where your parents or anyone doesnâ€™t care, I DO. Â Talk to me
I think this is the beginning of the end. My 15th birthday was almost a month ago, I wasn’t ever suppose to make it that far. I’m suppose to be dead, I want to be dead. It’s the summer where I live and everyone seems to be having the time of there life, everyone except me. I don’t leave my house, my bed to be more specific. I don’t need to leave the house in order to feel judged, I’m my worse critic. I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, I’m nothing that anyone wants. I don’t even like myself, let alone love myself. It’s impossible to love someone you despise. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. And I guess I’ve gotten good at hiding everything that no one even bothers anymore. Or maybe no one actually cares. I mean I wouldn’t care about me if I were another person. I’m a waste of oxygen, a waste of good organs the someone else deserves. I don’t deserve anything I have, I deserve to suffer. But I want out, I want a gun to put to my head, a rope to tie around my neck. Anything that will stop the pain, I just want to stop breathing. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep going on like this. But I’m just fine, thanks for not asking. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be dead and forgotten soon.
This is my second post. today hadn’t been that good. I’ve been floating in and out of sadness and depression. I’ve begun considering going to see a psychiatrist for my problems; hopefully they’ll be able to answer some of my questions because… I don’t understand this…
Each night I go to sleep, hoping I won’t wake up. During the night I wake and watch the shadows drift around me and beg God to never let it end, to just let those shadows stay forever and take me away into the darkness. Then when the sun rises I’m still breathing and I curse my own being. Getting up is the hardest thing; I can’t bear to face yet another day… As the hours pass I occupy myself with fantasies of my own death, each one more wild and gruesome. In between them I beg God to put a bullet into my head. Then as the evening winds down I sit and just stare sometimes, wondering “Why?” “Why do I continue to live? Why can’t God do the very thing to me that hundreds of thousands of people resist? Losing life.” I ask for it… and yet never get it. Is my existence tied to something that I have to be alive for? Am I meant to do something? If not then I am totally meaningless… I just don’t understand…