Why I feel this way I don’t know.Â I’m just upset about nothing. Pathetic, really. Right? I wasn’t bullied. I wasn’t raped. I wasn’t abused. I’m just sad. I really do wish that I had a proper reason; a trigger; a valid purpose for wanting to endÂ my life. They all say life will get better, but I don’t think it will. I used to. I thought this was all just a phase; a couple years of my life spent wallowing in my own pity and sadness. I’m only a teenager, after all. I will be sad sometimes. But this is a new feeling. A feeling of hopelessness and like . . . Like there will be no end to the bad thoughts. They will always be there at the back of my mind, fighting to be heard. No matter how much I try to be positive, the thoughts will be sitting at the back of my brain, in all of their glory.
I don’t know. Recently, things just got bad. Real bad. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t really want anything anymore. I’m 14, as of yesterday. I spent the day celebrating with family and friends. I know I’m loved. I know I have friends who would care if I died. I know I have family who would be completely ruined if I were to die tonight. But I can’t help the thoughts. They don’t understand, none of them do; I can’t help feeling this way. If you think I want to feel this way; like I want to end my own life, you’re deadly wrong. I’m just so sick and tired of feeling either numb or suicidal. I want there to be something. But no, I can’t have that. I’m either too stupid, too worthless, too weak.
Â I just want to feel something. Something that makes me think, “Hey, maybe life isn’t so bad!”, but then again, life inside my mind is pretty shit, really.