Everything is falling apart.

I’ve been suicidal for a while now, after my boyfriend cheated on me 4 times. I really don’t wanna explain, talking about it hurts me so bad. Although I’ve always wanted to write about my feelings for other to see, I was to scared that anyone I know would see it, and figure out it was me.

Well, from when I was 14, I started hurting myself. Cutting my arms and burning with cigarettes. At first, I admit it was for the attention, maybe a cry for help that someone would see me. But after a while I stopped that.. Showing it around. And now it’s an addiction. I am 21 years very soon, and I often think about killing myself. I am in so much pain, for a lot of things, and if it wasn’t for my conscience, I would probably be dead by now. It’s just that I don’t dare to do it, because I am afraid that I might hurt the one’s that love me. Even though they often treat me bad. My mother always yells at me, my boyfriend cheated 4 times, lied a thousand times, and  he never treats me like a boy should treat a girl he loves. He often gets angry with me, if I “complain” about something. My father I never knew, although he lives right by me.. My grandfather died 4 years ago, and I still cry at night, because he was the only one who never did me wrong. I can’t even go to his grave, because it hurts me so bad.

I don’t know what to do, my friends thinks I’m stupid for hurting myself, and I never told them that it was as bad, that I wanted to die.
I can’t trust anyone, nor can I talk to anyone..
I feel like a total failure, all the time.