It is rhetorical, even though I put a question mark there. What kind of life is it agonizing for years and years about suicide? I constantly pray for the Donnie Darko-out (spoiler-alert: the falling jet-engine through the roof while I lie in bed). Hunter S. Thompson had some thinkings on the subject. Best years behind…goodbye.
I am in so much emotional pain I cannot handle it anymore. Day after day, month after month, year after year. I am beyond saving. I cannot save myself; therefore, no one can save me. The torment is getting ridiculous. So what? I was too sensitive about everything and offed myself. Why is that a crime? Or, why do I feel like it would be a crime? Why can’t I just say goodbye to everyone and just do it? Because no one I know wants that bad-slushy feeling that I died young? Since when do I have a responsibility for everyone’s emotions? Last time I checked no one really cared about my emotions, or at least, no one cared…at all. I mean, I have people in my life that care about me, but no one knows I am clinically depressed. No one knows that I think about suicide everyday, a hundred times a day. So now I am supposed to be like someone’s indoor fica, just there, most likely in need of a watering. So, yeah, I have to stand in place, miserable, just so everyone else will not be inconvenienced.
I am mad! And not at God, necessarily. I am mad that I am here and I have to deal with all this stuff I am unable to carry. So, yeah, someone once said God doesn’t give more than you can handle…. I don’t know who that person was but I want what they were smoking because it is just not working out for me!
3 comments
For one, if you haven’t already committed suicide, then you are having doubts. Secondly, the reason no one knows that you’re depressed is because you haven’t told them. You most certainly aren’t responsible for their feelings if you were to kill yourself, but you can’t blame them for not knowing something you have probably tried to hide. If you’re writing this, then you want help. You want someone to know. You don’t have to be miserable. There are better things than this. But you can’t stand around expecting people to know. Even though it might seem like it, you’re not wearing a big “suicide” sign around your neck. Inconvience people to get help. They’ll be glad you do. I will, at any rate. I don’t even know you, but I definitely care about your emotions. I wouldn’t forgive myself if you died because no one knew. E-mail me. I’m here for you.
cbinney@gmail.com
I was raised by a stand-up comedian. I laugh and laugh and laugh…and if I didn’t I would’ve been dead from despair years ago. It’s not like I haven’t told them, it’s just that I get no love from anyone. No one I know likes me as much as I like them. I am too sensitive. I have no love in my life, no kindness. Everyone is concerned with themselves. Everyone in my family, all of my friends. I don’t blame them, but I would take a bullet for these people and I get the feeling it is not mutual.
Thank you for your email address, I will correspond with you there soon.
It is the happy clown that no one knows is sad…the classic cliche’ and it is sad indeed.
Trusttt me I feel the same wayy everyday i think about it everynight telling myself god can you jus take me in my self doing me the favor of not haven to hurt my family but i sum how sum way think about ‘Her’ and how one day i jus might be able to be friends again..ive lost soo much in life i feel what would loosen my life be to me..nothing..i know i may seem like the happest guy to ever meet but on the inside im dead….dead to everyone and everything..Today i make it threw this life of tests of god…but 2maro i just might not!