How long should one agonize?

  May 1st, 2009 by z

It is rhetorical, even though I put a question mark there.  What kind of life is it agonizing for years and years about suicide?  I constantly pray for the Donnie Darko-out (spoiler-alert: the falling jet-engine through the roof while I lie in bed).  Hunter S. Thompson had some thinkings on the subject.  Best years behind…goodbye.

I am in so much emotional pain I cannot handle it anymore.  Day after day, month after month, year after year.  I am beyond saving.  I cannot save myself; therefore, no one can save me.  The torment is getting ridiculous.  So what?  I was too sensitive about everything and offed myself.  Why is that a crime?  Or, why do I feel like it would be a crime?  Why can’t I just say goodbye to everyone and just do it?  Because no one I know wants that bad-slushy feeling that I died young?  Since when do I have a responsibility for everyone’s emotions?  Last time I checked no one really cared about my emotions, or at least, no one cared…at all.  I mean, I have people in my life that care about me, but no one knows I am clinically depressed.  No one knows that I think about suicide everyday, a hundred times a day.  So now I am supposed to be like someone’s indoor fica, just there, most likely in need of a watering.  So, yeah, I have to stand in place, miserable, just so everyone else will not be inconvenienced.

I am mad!  And not at God, necessarily.  I am mad that I am here and I have to deal with all this stuff I am unable to carry.  So, yeah, someone once said God doesn’t give more than you can handle….  I don’t know who that person was but I want what they were smoking because it is just not working out for me!

We Die Young

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