Huh, so I’m new to this whole website. I hope I put this in the right category, and didn’t miss anything vital.
(DISCLAIMER: I don’t know how to use paragraphs effectively!)
Anyway. Over the years I have read a lot of posts, heard a lot of arguments against suicide. Its been roughly 8 years since I seriously became suicidal. It started with the sadness, the depression. I felt bad about myself and my lot in life. The first three years was spent convincing myself that its okay. Now, I can accept death by my own doing.
I’m not really sad anymore. I’m pretty neutral. Which, I think, is pretty good. I’d rather feel dull instead of the weird roller coaster emotions that depression offered. But, I still accept death. I guess the reason I’m writing this is to hope for some unbiased comments. I do not want the people who are close to me to worry. I want any possible reason not to die, because I don’t have one. I have spent 8 years browsing other peoples blogs, forum posts, and comments, and still have yet to find a reason worthwhile to me. I do not want to die, I just don’t have any reason to live.
I’m going to attempt to give a pretty good background here. But I am sure I will miss some things. First of all, I really am not sad. I have friends around me frequently and activities to entertain me. I’d like to think I’m intelligent (despite some terrible writing flaws!). I do not believe in God – and this belief really will not change. My disbelief in God is as strong as my belief that I am indeed a male. No offense to those of you who are religious, of course. I am currently in a very good college. I am white, middle class. I am very open minded and an extremely logical thinker. Logical enough to rationalize suicide. I have been doing quite well in school until very recently, I have all but dropped out.
I do not feel sadness for others who commit suicide. I feel understanding. I feel proud, even. I am glad they were able to find their release. I know this is a very cruel thing to say – for that I apologize, I am not a cruel person. When I finally pull the trigger, which has gone off so many times in my mind’s eye, I hope that sadness does not follow. I do not want it marked down as a tragedy, but as a .. “triumph of human spirit”.
I have heard “How could you do that to the people you love, are you selfish?” (well, my response to this is: Is it more selfish for me to take the plunge, or for a bunch of people to ask me to continue to suffer and live in pain, when I don’t want to, just so they do not feel pain?)
And “Why not see a counselor?” Well, No. Sorry, but no. I do not want to live off of pills. It does not appeal to me.
I feel like my time is coming. Its a deep feeling in the gut. A realistic thought is June. An optimistic one is next May, a year from now. I’m growing impatient for it, in fact.
I know this message seems cold, or heartless. I read some of the recent posts on this website I happened to stumble over, and they were very emotionally charged. Apologies – thats not who I am. Hope this made sense, its been hard to keep any semblance of a ‘train of thought’ going lately. Well, thanks for your time.
3 comments
“triumph of human spirit” i never thought about it with that perspective before but it really is, i hope the both of us can achieve that triumph soon.
Well,
what is the motive why you wrote here? I mean, the true motive. I think there is no apriori meaning of (your, mine, others) life. We are creating that – we and our surroundings (other people, circumstances, Zeitgeist). If you do not suffer (you wrote you are not emotional) why do you think of ending your life? Maybe you can help other beings who suffer and want to live. Just couple of thoughts. Peace, Hugo
(hughobass____yahoo.com)
Well, this is quite late. But I’ll respond and hope it gets seen. The motive of me writing, was in hope of finding the answer. I’ve been looking for a long time for a reason to live, and I just cannot find it. I want to want to live (no typos here.) I think of ending my life because it seems right. When I die nothing will matter – not my life, my memories, my education – I’ll be gone. Whether it happens when I am 30, or 90, I’ll be gone.
Thanks for your input.