thoughts

I am lost I’m helping other people cope, because I cannot do that for myself, that’s what I’ve always done for two reasons. One because it doesn’t seem fair for two people to like fail and second because I keep thinking that somehow just maybe helping them will fix the problems I avoid in my life. I need help and guidance but no one sees it, ever. Its proven over and over again every time I tell someone who I am and how I feel its always like sympathy and I don’t need that I need understanding sometimes there’s some of that to but its mostly advice I’ve gotten a hundred times. I need to figure out what I am need for in this world before I end up taking myself out of it.  I am always searching, but no result probably because if I knew what I was looking for I would have found it long ago. How do you find something that you cannot grasp in your hands, and no one can help… you just have to eventually do it yourself?                                                                                                You see I try and try but I am running out of patience with time and free falling forward in the meantime. I don’t want your advice I don’t want your sympathy, I want your understanding. Because I second-guess every part of my life, so I need for me to make sure I am not crazy or overreacting. Death would be so peaceful. I run in circles, never ending and I am just like done, is this a suicide note, I don’t know yet, I just feel done, and I am losing everything around that keeps me sane. I may come out have this happy or a corpse. Haha I like the sound of that, just being there but not there because I live lie that everyday anyway, I am silenced from being my real self at school, home is always drama with Grace, my mom doesn’t get it and her emotions don’t help, and my dad well he overreacts to everything. I like volunteering because again I can help others. I have been called half emo, what is emo? I mean honestly isn’t the definition just someone with screwed up emotions, isn’t that most everyone?                                                                         But no instead we have to change it and make it people who feel so screwed up that they have to cut, burn, whatever the hell you do. And people who like black, hell isn’t it the color that never goes out of style? We affiliate with like bad; you don’t want to be called emo.  Why not? Because frankly you are scared that people do his, your ignorance kills you. Yeah it’s not good to do that to yourself, wow congrats your smart. I don’t think I’ll be like that I have been “good” for a month, anyway we run up imaginary staircases our whole lives… it doesn’t seem to make much sense. We get good grades to get into a good college then we do well in college to get a good job then we do well in work to get a promotion we work hard to retire well, then we die, I don’t get why work so and when the end result is always the same. Ok not going to lie a couple just went through my head but still. I will sit here, I am only writing this because my Internet is like really slow, and so I cannot do anything else. Haha listening to Hawaiian Reggae, I am ststrange I got that, well if I could spell strange there we go.                                                                        We fight for everything like today I had the chance to compete with Kristen just to like see the “group” but nope she had to like block me out… I know why even do it… well lets see here, I am in school I have no one else, and I wish I didn’t I still have an urge to want to belong. I know its human nature but you’d think I would learn by now right? Nope. I am negative if you don’t the real me, the positive sarcastic, and fun person to be around I am so sorry, you’re missing out. I am sick, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, I guess that’s how I am feeling, helplessness, but I don’t know what to do about it, I know what I will do, but there’s a part of me that says break free from the cycle. I know will I will keep trudging through, but I know that what I truly want to do is go into the bathroom grab my meds an OD. I can see myself getting up, I honestly would, but I guess I’m either a coward or I know better, but I don’t want to. I want no think I need to do this to move on. Escape my past for once in my life and peacefully move on, but I know my sister is sleeping in the other room my dog will be dead tomorrow, and my parents downstairs.

Not to mention i think i was sexually abused and have blocked it from my memory. Welcome to my life.