i guess tonight is the end, the end of happiness and sadness, just the end.
it appears that no matter how far any of get away from this we all regress at some point or another, but i guess thats when we got to think about how we healed in the first place.
Hey guys, been off this site for awhile, i was actually pretty proud of myself, been over 2 months since i have self hurt, orÂ contemplatedÂ suicide. that was quickly overturned a few days ago, when i learned i was going to a school, a school that contains a girl that used and abused me. she was supposed to be my best friend, and be there for me, i hadn’t had friends in so long, or really ever for that matter, and she was there for me, hung out with me, and made me feel good. but in all this joy, there were tiny red flags that i never caught on to, like i couldn’t ever try to have any other friends, i couldn’t say no, and my views were silenced. but i was so blind sited by the fact i had a friend i didn’t care, her family was about as bad, if not worse, and though this isn’t the worst thing to happen to me, it wasÂ defiantlyÂ a hard blow, giving me trust, rejection, and overall silence, i guess that was the true start to mÂ suicidalÂ contemplations, and this all started when i was 11, 11! when everyone else was discovering themselves, i was sick, beaten, and then sent to school where one girl paid attention to me, and she used that. that was a few years ago now. My parents don’t seem to thinkÂ it’sÂ an issue though, just look right past it. if anything they say, just avoid her, but i know she will hunt me down, because i know who she is. and so i am back here, on this site, seeking, i don’t even know anymore, i don’t see hope, understanding, or prayer can do much, because no matter how hard i try, it doesn’t change andÂ I’mÂ still me… fml
How absolutely sick is it that I find comfort and safety on a site that people tell you about how they want to die? Oh now you are probably thinking to yourself, well itâ€™s probably because you need to know that there are others like you. Yes thatâ€™s right I have a logical mind. I am not mad at you, whoever you is, Iâ€™m mad at me, for being me, but then for being mad at me, because I know how it is more for a lot of people with personality disorders, except I feel what I should feel, then have not the feelings but the full on knowledge of what Iâ€™m doing and how I cannot stop myself from feeling the way I do. And donâ€™t you dare give me the, get help speech. Sweetheart, been around much the last 4 years? But none of it helps; I just keep digging a bigger hole. Now thatâ€™s not fair to everyone whoâ€™s helped, my friends, for giving me useless advice and pointless quotes, my enemies, for making everything so much easier, my sister, always telling me how fake my feeling are, my parents though always trying, to little too late comes to mind, my doctors misdiagnosing me with every frickin disease in the book, then of course my body for continually failing me, and myself, for letting this happen. I know most, no all of my life wasnâ€™t really my fault, but then I feel that I have no control of it, and God, well keeps reappearing and disappearing throughout my joyous journey.
I have no feelings, like I know I have said this before, but I always had empathy. No I cannot even say I have that, I just donâ€™t care anymore.
I cannot get sad and depressed because of my medication, so I die inside without dying or feeling sad, yeah try to conjure up that in your mind.
Thank you medication, been a great help.
I really donâ€™t know what to do anymoreâ€¦ its not that Iâ€™m really giving up, I just donâ€™t know what to do now. I have been thinking about life, and what to do. I want to live happily, and I think about the future, and I know how Iâ€™ll feel and yes I feel like that sometimes but other times I just go down and it all seems to slip through my fingers. I just donâ€™t know what to do right now. So Iâ€™ll just keep sitting around hoping no praying I can get better, you see I know why and the reason for everything now, I just donâ€™t know what to do. Iâ€™m really praying that the physiatrist will know what to do. But I have to wait till 5 days after school endsâ€¦ :/ I guess we will see, but in the meantime I have to wait and its really hard. The endÂ
I do not think I handle this anymore, I have breakdowns and no one ever sees it. I mean first I isolate myself after something very small, then I get really mad and then sad and have talks with like my family im not sctiofranic, I know I am not actually talking to them, but it calms me down, and no one has to see anything. But its killing me. Right now I am sitting in my grandmas guest room, my moms going in and out, I want to show her how I am feeling right, show her to try to feel better, but would dragging her down with me help anything? Why am I to live, when it hurts so much and so many die everyday wanting, praying to live another day? I donâ€™t want to kill myself, I am already dead, and so what would be the point? i feel so good sometimes, just fine, in fact really good. But now I wonder why I carry on because this hurts so much sometimes even more then the gallbladder pains because there is no escape. And I know even though I haveÂ written this out so many times, I wonâ€™t stop it keeps being bad, it doesnâ€™t stop.Â
i am on a breakdown, i am possibly bipolar, which is probably true, i am in high school, i have next to nothing in friends, and i am literally breaking down. For the last 3 nights, well the first i broke down in front of my parents and cried and yelled at like one in the morning, and then for the last two nights i have had to stay up all night in order to keep myself from doing breaking down again. I just cannot handle life anymore, and this seem to be my break down and i feel as if my ife will go down from here and beyond that, i have pills within arms reach, in which i could just end it all, stop this insufferable pain, i just, don’t want to keep trying in a unwinnable fight.
It’s me against the world, not that i am fighting the world and everyone in it, but its me against the myself. that is the hardest part.
i keep getting medical issues, and in highschool its just tough to deal with. And beyond that i just got diagnosed with bipolar, and i am just tired, but i know in a few hours i will be happy, and fine. I am so happy and then i get so sad, i just don’t know whether living is worth it… i know you are going to say well you’ll be happy, but then i know i will just fall again. And meds don’t work, they make it worse, and counsling does shit… God doesn’t do much either…. so i just am lost and feel done. plus everyone who talks to me on this site, believe me i’ve tried, well ends up just like sending one email and then forgeting me, and i just don’t know how long i can just keep getting rejected like this… you my families asleep, the one guy i sometimes talk to is sick of trying to fix my problems, and the only other guy who i want to talk to well its no longer an option…. im sick of this rollercoaster.
i sit here numb,
unaware of my surroundings ,
knowing i am here but am almost watching myself, in and yet out.
what can i do to stop this,
what can i do to move on,
and what can i do right now?
i am on the break, but i don’t know if it’s the break of life or death… i feel as though i am floating, and i feel a though i have lived this moment before, i don’t care what people think or do anymore, i can go run or walk, but i get back and i could have not done it, there’s no difference…. i just don’t feel… i sit alone, confused, and floating
do you know that feeling of pure happiness, when you think everything is going to be ok…. i do…. it happens every morning when i wake up, but night i have fallen back, back into to this never ending loop of hate, i hate myself… people hate me… and well you get the point. I have been called day and night, werewolf, and other things of that nature by the few i canÂ actuallyÂ trust. Â i am so sick of that, being happy just to know you will fall again.
I have become hazy and numb…. i just don’t know what to do anymore….
To be alone, to sit here, to want to move on, but somethingâ€™s always there holding me back.
I want to move on, I want to get better, but my mind blanks every time I write these words, for this is pure misery, living in a hole, waiting, waiting, to get better.
But I know I will get better, for I have told myself so, but waiting, waiting for that day id like waiting for rain in the desert.
It will happen someday, I really do know, but what to do until then, I just donâ€™t know.
I am not truly happy, oh not now. I fight, and fight, but threes no winning, not with this, someday, I hope and pray everyday.
I didnâ€™t fall last night, is that the start I have been hoping for? I just donâ€™t know, I think it may be, I hope and pray it was the start.
I sit here, sitting among a sea of people, and yet alone.
Someday I prayÂ Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
I will be
i sit here in this room,
i sit here alone,
i sit here just awaiting my doom.
I want to get help,
i want to get better,
i want to do all of this, but i was never a yelper.
I don’t know anymore i feel myself getting lighter,
I sit in a daze,
trying to become a bit of a writer.
I know i am not good,
Not a writer, or a person,
but i hope to get out from under this hood.
This is a hood where i hide,
where i don’t have to show my face,
but i guess i seem to have died.
I may end my life,
but everyone always says life is to short,
But whats short seems to be long until you look back, but i will not touch a knife.
No not tonight,
and probably not tomorrow,
But its always there waiting, waiting for my sorrow.
I cannot be saved,
not by another,
so i just sit alone, caved.
I am lost Iâ€™m helping other people cope, because I cannot do that for myself, thatâ€™s what Iâ€™ve always done for two reasons. One because it doesnâ€™t seem fair for two people to like fail and second because I keep thinking that somehow just maybe helping them will fix the problems I avoid in my life. I need help and guidance but no one sees it, ever. Its proven over and over again every time I tell someone who I am and how I feel its always like sympathy and I donâ€™t need that I need understanding sometimes thereâ€™s some of that to but its mostly advice Iâ€™ve gotten a hundred times. I need to figure out what I am need for in this world before I end up taking myself out of it.Â I am always searching, but no result probably because if I knew what I was looking for I would have found it long ago. How do you find something that you cannot grasp in your hands, and no one can helpâ€¦ you just have to eventually do it yourself?Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â You see I try and try but I am running out of patience with time and free falling forward in the meantime. I donâ€™t want your advice I donâ€™t want your sympathy, I want your understanding. Because I second-guess every part of my life, so I need for me to make sure I am not crazy or overreacting. Death would be so peaceful. I run in circles, never ending and I am just like done, is this a suicide note, I donâ€™t know yet, I just feel done, and I am losing everything around that keeps me sane. I may come out have this happy or a corpse. Haha I like the sound of that, just being there but not there because I live lie that everyday anyway, I am silenced from being my real self at school, home is always drama with Grace, my mom doesnâ€™t get it and her emotions donâ€™t help, and my dad well he overreacts to everything. I like volunteering because again I can help others. I have been called half emo, what is emo? I mean honestly isnâ€™t the definition just someone with screwed up emotions, isnâ€™t that most everyone? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â But no instead we have to change it and make it people who feel so screwed up that they have to cut, burn, whatever the hell you do. And people who like black, hell isnâ€™t it the color that never goes out of style? We affiliate with like bad; you donâ€™t want to be called emo.Â Why not? Because frankly you are scared that people do his, your ignorance kills you. Yeah itâ€™s not good to do that to yourself, wow congrats your smart. I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ll be like that I have been â€œgoodâ€ for a month, anyway we run up imaginary staircases our whole livesâ€¦ it doesnâ€™t seem to make much sense. We get good grades to get into a good college then we do well in college to get a good job then we do well in work to get a promotion we work hard to retire well, then we die, I donâ€™t get why work so and when the end result is always the same. Ok not going to lie a couple just went through my head but still. I will sit here, I am only writing this because my Internet is like really slow, and so I cannot do anything else. Haha listening to Hawaiian Reggae, I am ststrange I got that, well if I could spell strange there we go.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â We fight for everything like today I had the chance to compete with Kristen just to like see the â€œgroupâ€ but nope she had to like block me outâ€¦ I know why even do itâ€¦ well lets see here, I am in school I have no one else, and I wish I didnâ€™t I still have an urge to want to belong. I know its human nature but youâ€™d think I would learn by now right? Nope. I am negative if you donâ€™t the real me, the positive sarcastic, and fun person to be around I am so sorry, youâ€™re missing out. I am sick, and thereâ€™s nothing anyone can do about it, I guess thatâ€™s how I am feeling, helplessness, but I donâ€™t know what to do about it, I know what I will do, but thereâ€™s a part of me that says break free from the cycle. I know will I will keep trudging through, but I know that what I truly want to do is go into the bathroom grab my meds an OD. I can see myself getting up, I honestly would, but I guess Iâ€™m either a coward or I know better, but I donâ€™t want to. I want no think I need to do this to move on. Escape my past for once in my life and peacefully move on, but I know my sister is sleeping in the other room my dog will be dead tomorrow, and my parents downstairs.
Not to mention i think i was sexually abused and have blocked it from my memory. Welcome to my life.Â
ok i know this sounds cheesy but i want a guy, not any guy i want a guy who will like know how i’m feeling because it kills me that i can fake happiness so well, and people either believe me or just don’t care. High school is a horrible place to find a boy friend…Â especiallyÂ mine. And all of my friends have boy friends, and well its odd but im friends with them as well. Now don’t get me wrong i in no way want their boy friends, but i see how happy they are, and im just sick of being alone, and sad.
HowÂ would you feel if you’ve been depressed for four years, everyone you have cared about dumped you?Then you decided to write it all out, in an autobiography. The someone stole it, read it, and sent it to people in your school?Â IÂ want to die, even if she’s taking them blame, those were my private, personal thoughts, and i just feel i cannot deal with this kind of stuff anymore… I’m not the mostÂ suicidalÂ person but i’m just feeling nothing… numb..
I have a big problem telling fantasy from reality. And no i don’t there are like fairy puff princesses everywhere. i just had a really horrible friend that she ended up using me, and so it was fake but all the while i thought we were truly friends. That was one of many things that has lead me into deep depression, i cut, burn, and think about killing myself… there’s a lot more to the story, but i cannot go there, because i cannot come to terms with the past… i am fifteen the only boyfriend i have ever had dumped me because it was damaging his ego.. i know drop him right? well heres the thing, he helped like cure my depression for like a couple of months. To go off on another subject i have to read like texts several times otherwise i think that they are fake, or didn’t happen. I see aÂ therapist, she told me it was ok to harm myself, and she twist’s everything i say to sound like something else. I want help or i wouldn’t be on this site… i just don’t really know where to look anymore, because i cut it off with that guy, today.. well yesterday i guess now… i don’t really have friends i have one cousin i lean on, but i feel bad going to him every night, sad, depressed and in need of saving. So yeah… killing myself seems like a goodÂ option.. as i saidÂ previouslyÂ there’s a lot more to it, but thats all i can say right now.
I am going to move it isÂ unavoidable, and i have to keep it a secret… but i told my boyfriend and he broke up with me. He only did it because of this but the truth is i am not moving for another year… and this really hurt. I am dealing with depression and he didn’t really know the extent of it… and this really crushed me. He is really honest with me and tells me everything still, we are really close and that hasn’t ended but i am still so confused… you see he told me he still loved me and he didn’t want it to end like that, but doesn’t want to get back together. But even so i still act strong, like i am over it and am trying to help him through it… i guess i just got lost in translation. I still really do care about him and he WAS the one to break it off so i mean… come on… and i know most people tell me to just stop talking to him but i cannot do that because i promised him i wouldn’t just leave him there, and he still sys today; i know its really hard to be my friend but please don’t leave me alone, your the only one i truly trust. So now its just toying with my emotions and me and i still jump at everyÂ opportunityÂ to talk to him and help him… like yesterday i told him i would help him if he got another girlfriend… i just am so lost and am taking it all out on myself… any advice? i am a minor i move with my parents