What a fucked up life I lead

Your story relates to how i feel right now. I constantly think of suicide but i can never pull the trigger so to speak. Its sort of comforting to know there are others who feel the same. And hopefully we will be able to make it through our miserable life. Take care.

all of these post remind me of myself
i have no one who i can turn to i spent the last hour looking up ways to take my own life but simply cannot stop thinking about my love ones who ironically is making my life worse
I hate who i am and the situations i constantly put myself through
knowing there are others like me is comforting
thanks everyone i hope we all can get through this

I have fucked up so much of my life there are alot of people I could blame for it,but that just makes things worse. As I look back on my fucked up life I dont know how to make it better,everyday I suffer from worsening panic attacks that feel like heart attacks.and literally take my breath away.
I think about the end all the time but I have a daughter and family to think about,if I knew 10 years ago when I was 12 that I would still be this depressed I might have committed suicide then. Distant and disconnected from the world with my mind driving me crazy my head feels like it wants to explode no matter how uch I try I think its only a matter of time before I loose this life. But im holding on as long as I can I hope you guys can to.

P.S. I suck at spelling..
Jim

My name is chris, and I will be turning 30 soon. I know what these guys are talking about. Im constantly lost in myself and what I am doing in my life. Constant thoughts off suicide control my thoughts . The only girl I have ever loved does not want to know me because of the way I am. Her mother also turned her against me. The anger sometimes is unbearable. I ve gone through countless jobs always to give up or be fired. I d like to kill myself but I dont have the guts or my family would suffer for it. I just wonder from place to place searching for something I can not find. This year I had a turn and ended up in a pych ward. Some doctors say im bi polar although they are not sure. I hate life.

Hi guys, all of your stories remind me of my own situation and how I feel, it’s somewhat comforting to know there are others that feel how I do. Thoughts of suicide run through my head daily, I have been in and out of Psych wards for the past 3 years, I lost my mother when I was 12 and I became depressed and stopped trying in school, this lead to me getting put out to a boys home at the end of grade 8 out of my dad’s concern that I would not make it though highschool if I did not get some structure in my life, I lived there for 18 months until I was halfway through grade 10, I was very unhappy there but it probably would have been for the better if I stayed, I was depressed seeing all my friends going out whenever they wanted meeting new people and having fun while I sit out there isolated wasting away my best years. I just wanted to kill myself. But I still had hope knowing there was still time to live a normal life meeting new friends and actually getting a girlfriend. When I was finally released to go home I was age 16, I had lost all my friends from public school and hardly had any friends from school. I ended up becoming friends with some real losers and dope heads that lived out there that really dragged me into some bad things like hard drugs, a few months after I was out I stopped going to school and dropped out. I attempted suicide twice that semester. I was taking Alternative learning outside of highschool and I didn’t realize the kind of life I was setting up for myself, high as I was all the time. I registered the next semester to get back in school but I quickly fucked that up, because of my drug addiction, the only thing I thought of was getting high, not my life. Since then I have been getting credits outside of highschool and only now have I started to realize how badly I fucked up my own life and how much I have caused myself to miss out, all the good times I could have had. Having fun with friends and meeting new people, but no, I sat at home self medicating trying to avoid reality watchnig my life go to shit. Now I am no longer able to get back into school after finally getting off the dope, because I burned to many bridges at my school getting kicked out too many times. I am now taking some bullshit highschool at college to obtain the rest of my credits but this is not how I want to finish, not in some class room with the rest of the scum like myself, I don’t want to live like this and I can never forgive myself for the descisions I have made. I wish that I could just go back in time and make better choices but that will never happen. They say it’s never too late to start but that’s fucking bullshit, I’ve set myself up for some bullshit life that’s probably going to be working in some low class job never meeting that special person I want so badly. I fucked up and there’s no going back, everyday I just hate myself more and more, I pray to god to take my life every night, I don’t want to live this life, the only reason I can’t bring myself to suicide is because I have a loving family and little brother that I know would be hurt very much if I did end it. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I just wish I was alone so I could just go knowing I didn’t cause pain to the ones who love me the most.

I am sixteen school sucks, These are supposed to be the best years of my life. The problem is that this box of chocolates is full of shit. I am unpopular and cant even look people in the eyes, cant concentrate in school and I have major procrastination issues that make school worse. It makes me feel overwhelmed and I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a new pair a shoes with A new box of chocolates.

My parents dont make anything better. They are pricks and cant even point their own son in the right direction. Cant even afford a steady flow of groceries which make my health problems worsen and when they make food it’s like macaroni with tomato sauce and cheese and crackers on top. I love cooking but how am I supposed to make a good meal with out fruits vegetables or spices and seasonings, For some reason my deep freezer has a bunch of shitty beef parts not even worthy of stew. My mom could easily buy groceries if she pig out at fast food and eat fudge. My fourty-five year old chickenshit dad went to school ten years ago to become a computer business analyst but then their where massive layoffs and job cuts in his sector and he is still pursuing this position. Two years ago he was working at panago and training in Heating and Ventilation. He quickly gave up on both of these shortly after the free training he got from the goverment ended. Today He is working at wal-mart and still pursuing the business job that there is competition for becuase they have all but dried up.

Lets go in my life about ten years. I was six years old and at the time I lived and a very small community. My parents Both started working lots at around this time so I had to be babysat being only six. My mom went to church regularly so she stuck me with some person she knew from the church. The people who looked after me didnt give a shit about me and let me watch t.v all day long and only conversed with me at dinner time but just to ask what I wanted to drink. This arrangement lasted five years of solitude it reflected in school I forgot how to have fun and make friends my childhood was erased at this point I had a few friends but I still felt alone and was to young to even consider it It was the point where I was supposed to be having fun with no cares. Today I cant keep up with schoolwork because I feel to shitty to even go to school, to go and sit, sit for hours and awkwardly want to just talk to somebody even just chat but I cant think of anything to say. My friends consist of stoners, bitches, graduated kids, Idiots and outcasts. I consider myself a pothead because I smoke weed every other day or so, also I recently tried hash and oil.
Mostly I smoke it to make myself hungry so that I feel more like eating a whole bunch but when I go home there is only enough food around to have one meal a day and often times it does not consist more than starches and calcium and a small amount of protein.

My house sucks my parents don’t clean up after themselves and make enough of a mess every day to cover the kitchen counters so that it makes it difficult to cook with out first having to clean something up. It disgusts me to see that even my parents to have enough care to pay attention to me when I need clothes, haircuts, food or when it comes to just putting two things they used away in the dishwasher or garbage. Oh and they garbage often stays full for a whole five days. The only attention my parents pay to me is when I get a phone call home from school about my grades. Now lets get something straight, I cant focus in school because my mind is overwhelmed with downer thoughts like “I want to talk to that girl over there but there is no way I can keep a conversation going for more than fifty seconds” and this is true I cant even keep conversation with friends with out running out of things to say or talk about. It’s like I cant even think of a few phrases to say with my mouth.

My sob story has gone on for long enough I left a few things out just to help hide my identity to people who might see this. I just want to pull myself together.