dead

I do not think I handle this anymore, I have breakdowns and no one ever sees it. I mean first I isolate myself after something very small, then I get really mad and then sad and have talks with like my family im not sctiofranic, I know I am not actually talking to them, but it calms me down, and no one has to see anything. But its killing me. Right now I am sitting in my grandmas guest room, my moms going in and out, I want to show her how I am feeling right, show her to try to feel better, but would dragging her down with me help anything? Why am I to live, when it hurts so much and so many die everyday wanting, praying to live another day? I don’t want to kill myself, I am already dead, and so what would be the point? i feel so good sometimes, just fine, in fact really good. But now I wonder why I carry on because this hurts so much sometimes even more then the gallbladder pains because there is no escape. And I know even though I have  written this out so many times, I won’t stop it keeps being bad, it doesn’t stop.