I guess ill start by stating the facts… Im currently 17, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when i was 4, fell into a deep depression in the 6th grade, and am still feeling depressed. although i manage to have an outward appearance of being fine, im not. I was also recently diagnosed with severe POTS… some shitty thing where my blood pools in my legs, so i have a high heart rate but low blood pressure. If i compare my life to others, i know its damn fine. I have a loving mother and three loving sisters. My dad loves me in his own way, but he has some mental issues like that ass burgers thing (dont know how to spell it). ive never been made fun of, and have about two solid friends and some other good ones.
Problem is when im feeling really down i feel like they dont really see me as a friend, that they use me, because im so kind, and seem to have a natural ability to work with computers and stuff like that. i mod there consoles for free, fix them when they break, help them with any internet problems or computer crap. They appear to be amazed that i can do all that, but all i do is look stuff up on google…
Anyways, ive been seeing a counseler since 7th grade, and my diabetes hasnt been going well since summer of 1999. School is a huge struggle for me. I dont see a point in most the stuff we learn. This year went particularly bad, and now im working on four classes over summer. Im in a constant spiral downwards with random uplifts. Whenever i start “getting better” i just fall back down 10x harder. Ive been on a countless number of drugs but none of that shit helps. Whenever i think about the world, i realize how shitty everything really is. Oh, and to top is off, im extremely shy, so i cant even bring myself to let my close friends know who i like… it kills me at night thinking about her…
Please dont talk to me about religion. While yes i think there is some greater thing or power, i think anyone that believes it gives a shit about them thinks mighty highly of themselves. I think some major religions were made up so those people had a “righteous” reason to kill and steal, and take over places. its all bullshit. I say fuck you if you think your that high and mighty that something that made the whole god damn universe cares about you, a tiny piece of shit… there is just way to many holes and gaps in all these religions
Sorry bout the religion rant… Anyways, i just wish there was some way to make it all stop. If i could, i would dream the rest of my life away, for my dreams are my own world (i can lucid dream) but no, i always have to wake up to do this and that. I want to die, to have my peace, but i have no means of ending my life painlessly. I dont fear death, i fear pain, which i think may be true for most people. If any one knows of a truely painless way, id be glad to know, but i guess for now ill just trudge through life.
And please no one post any of that shit about “God has a plan for everyone” or something… id love to see you say that to the holocaust and other genecide victims that are now dead… O and im pretty sure the devil thing was made up so some shitty people would have an excuse for their crimes and evil ways. Also i wouldnt be surprised if the bible was just some book someone wrote as a story for fun… Damn i hate religion!
Oh and im writing this at 3:30 am so sorry for any mistakes!
6 comments
Hey I understand my lifes about perfect 2 I have a loving boyfriend, parents,friends,and brothers there’s no reason for me 2 b depressed either…but then I found out I have mental depression and it hurts just as bad as normal depression mayb even worse…. But hold on tell ur parents that’s wat I did I would tell ur mother rather than ur dad. And seek help I’m on medication and I’m proud of it! It’ll help I promise I’m on zoloft btw.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. I was diagnosed at 13, I’m 38 now. After a serious suicide attempt 3 years ago, my mother tells me that “God has a plan for me” crap too, it’s frustrating to hear but it’s just her way of dealing with the situation. Diabetes feels like manic depression, everything is tip-top then I want to end it all in the same day. It’s a lonely disease, no one understands and explaining “diabetic behavior” often results in the uneducated answer,”You should take better care of yourself”. Irritating to hear from someone who is healthy with a beer and cigarette in hand. I’m the same way with fixing PCs for friends and it landed me a cush tech job that I did great at for a year then lost it after the suicide attempt. DON’T O.D. ON INSULIN, bad way to go and unreliable. My life is worse. You are young, I hope you can find something to make life worth living. Feel free to vent back, I’ve been experiencing what you are feeling for many years. Their are no easy answers, but the earlier YOU have a plan for YOU, the better off you will be in the future if you choose to live.
emogirl1995 – My parents know of my depression, if thats what you mean. If you mean i should tell them im suicidal… id rather not go back to a hospital. I wish medication would help, but the problem with that is most mess with my heart rate and blood pressure… mess with my damn POTS thing that makes me feel ultra shitty. im actually going to see a doctor guy up in portland in about 7 hours.
I have actually started writing about my life so far… it feels good to let people know. I update it everyday on facebook.
Injun – thanks for the insight. i actually have contemplated the insulin OD, but luckily im the kinda guy that researches everything i think about. The way i see it is that everyone has a level of motivation to do certain things. My level of motivation for living has always been on the low end, but like i said i dont care for any pain. I just dont really like the idea of my future. No kids for fear of bringing someone into this world that has the same problems as me. No wife/loved one for fear i might end up like my dad and un-intentionally make their life a living hell.
Glad to hear back from you. Seems we’ve had similar attitudes towards life and lack of motivation and ambition. Been doing alot of suicide method research too, eh? I feel most days like I’m white-knuckling it through hell. I look back in my life and see cycles of failures and stagnation, always starting over from scratch. After my failed suicide I half wondered if I was stuck in hell or limbo, insulin OD bad for the brain. The lucid dreams, especially the flying ones, happen frequently when I start or stop taking any SSRI, had two extremely vivid dreams when I became a diabetic that had a profound melancholy effect on my entire life. I’ve never thought long enough about my future to create any plan, knew I would not grow old or have a family. Fell in love last year after contemplating my demise again, was happy for a while but knew it couldn’t last. Long story short, she aborted my child and we are no longer friends and I lost others in the split. Most of my friends(and hers) have children, she did not want mine and I don’t blame her. She thought about having it for a while and I thought my life was turning around, maybe I deserved to have a family. She witnessed an insulin reaction and ended it. Still hurts like hell, just adds to the list of heartbreaks and confirmed what I already knew. I’ve resigned myself to this life, only because I do not wish to cause my friends and family any pain.
I’m happy ur going 2 c someone I hope it helps good luck
I am ready to stop this game and I am looking for a peaceful way to achieve my goals. I am not looking for some lecture or “pep” talk, I just want a peaceful painless way to bring this all to an end.