I have been thinking deeply about suicide for the last few years. To be honest I hate the term depression, even my doctor said it is such a loose term that it is extremely hard to treat due to our own individualities. I don’t just get depression for no reason it’s a side effect of something else.
I have a very severe form of IBS that has been plagueing me for the last five years making my life instantly turn from fine to a complete mightmare almost overnight. Everyday, every hour of every days I am supressed by my symptoms, it drives me insane. I could go on for several pages about how herrendous they get, I really could. It has completely destroyed my life.
I am 23 years old, and the the years between 18-23 have been utterly horrible when everyone my age is absolutley fine, life couldn’t be better. They’re all travelling the world, getting degrees, in a relationship etc,etc. You get my point.
I have spent over three thousand pounds on treatment and medication all to be completely in vain and I am now running out of money. All the tests I do all come back saying I’m fine and it becomes ever more frustrating as whatever it is is just too hard to detect as like most IBS sufferers you are insistent on there being something else happening so you can get treatment for it, get it fixed.
I get depressed, I know I do, I have all the symptoms, I have tried anti depressants but found they only made me worse but most of all it drives me mad, I get frustrated, then become so frustrated I go numb then stop feeling things.What kills me the most is that everybody assumes there is nothing wrong with me and they believe I am just makng it up, but there is nothing pretend about crapping 15 times a day and staying up all night with severe abdominal pain. The scary thing is, I actually feel like I could kill someone, I really do. My jealousy and envy eat away at me every time I’m with my friends and I genuinely think I could do something bad.
I had recently completed a test I sent down to London for, a private one as the NHS fails me, and it cost money that my mother paid for. I am sad to say that this is the final straw, I get the results in a few days time and I have already bought some rope. I am so tired of it all. Thats what I said after I took an overdose last year, I said I just wanted to go sleep, finally get some rest.
I can’t even think about talking to my parents or the doctor about my problems, I physically can’t get the words out, you are the only people I can talk to this about, finally getting it off my chest. Thank you so much for listening. Some people on here seem like angels I’ll never get to meet.
5 comments
I’m so sorry to that you go through the pain and the suffering that you do. And as if that wasn’t enough, you have to put up with people not believing you! Your frustration, even desperation is completely understandable I think
I also understand what you write about feeling jealous of friends and others that don’t have the physical ailments that you do. Unfortunately, that’s the way life is I think. We all ‘get cards’ and invariably some people’s hands are better than others. We all have to play (or not play) the hand that we are dealt.
Considering the pain that you go through I can’t imagine that you’ve left a ‘stone unturned’ as far as other possible remedies… but who knows? Isn’t there always a chance that you might find some solution/treatment that works IF you keep looking?
If there is anything that I might offer in support it would be a suggestion that you re-consider sharing what you are thinking about with your family and doctor. Sometimes I think simply sharing about a psychological or emotional burden that we are carrying with others can definitely make a difference.
I wish you well.
I do know how you feel. About 8 months ago i became seriously ill and mostly bedridden. I am yet to receive a diagnosis. Long long story. They are going to test me for multiple sclerosis next. Only some of my symptoms point in that direction. I am in constant pain everyday. I have irregular heart beats throughout the day and severe palpittions in the shower. Nothing showed upon the heart monitor. I know it is not anxiety. So i exist to suffer. I lost everything in my life. I can’t even drive. I constantly pray for god to take me and put me out of my misery.
Even though i am assertive with the doctors they just brush me aside because they have no idea what is wrong. I know there are several tests that they could be doing but won’t because i am on government funded medical here in the States.
I have to stop myself now from going on and on. I want out!
I wish you well too.
My Dear Kindred Spirit,
I know exactly where you are coming from. I too have a history with IBS. I am 24 and for the last 12 years, I have done what you are doing…spending money, time effort, mostly which as been in vein.
This is a terrible disease and to me, it seems like it has been only the last 2-3 years (in the States) that the public as acknowledged the plethora of digestive problems that exists among us.
Starting last December, I finally went to see a very expensive fellow. I believe in the last 6 months, I too have spent a considerable amount of money ($4000 US). However, I have made more progress in the 6 months then I have in the previous 11 1/2 years. So I will certainly provide is name (Dr. Ronald Hoffman – http://www.drhoffman.com/) in the event that you do not see satisfactory results with your current path.
I do hope the best for you, I am still a work in progress myself, but I feel more empowered with this fellow who seems serious about his craft. Perhaps it may take another 1-2 years and another 3000 pounds, but I think it would be worth it with this guy. I have found myself a failure at suicide, so at the very least I may as well give this a go as I see it.
Take care, and I’ll try to check this post again if you would like any further information. Not sure if you get to see my email.
-Providence
also, depression meds arent foolproof, you have to try different doses of different meds until you find what works. its mostly trial and error. im about to get started on some, and if the two pills that are fda approved for teens dont work idk what im gonna do… hold in there. keep trying new things and something will work eventually. money isnt everything, there are always alternative treatments… which most people dont believe in but my gf had some interesting experiences with a voodoo doll that makes me wonder sometimes. anyways, just try to hang in there, things can and will get better
as always, then again what do i know, im just a kid, right?
Thank you for your replys, I could quite easily cry for having someone listen to me.
I had a random attack of IBS about three months ago just when I thought I was getting a little bit more control and my acupuncturist stated it doesn’t need a reason to trigger. Thats when it hit me, its complexity is forever growing, finding new ways to trigger and make me ill, or there is a more simpler reason to all this which I am yet to find which is what I pray for every day but feel like I’m lying to myself about, I don’t know.
The test I have completed was a test for a parasites mainly. I had a bad chinese meal about five years ago and the next morning my body felt entirely different I couldn’t eat, my energy levels sunk massively, I felt there was acid in my muscle and before all this I was fit and healthy but now I’m labelled as lazy. Not only this but I went abroad twice shortly before this (NZ and greece) and had sickness and diarrohea both times but even after telling the doctors that they are still doubtful of parasites but I’ll just have to wait. I have also being getting kidney pains on a regular basis for ten years and find I urinate far too often and dehydrate a lot but drink plenty of water. I always thought this was something to do with it but the doctors think otherwise after having several urine tests done.
Thank you for the information on the doctor you mentioned but I have been unemployed for one and a half years and am really struggling to get beck into work or atleast find a job, I used to be an electrician, thought I had a great job for life.
Thank you for replying, nice to know I am talking to some people from America.