i dont really know why i’m doing this. i really want someone to help me i guess. i’m turning to everyone i know and theyre just leaving me. this is the only way i can talk to someone. and i realize that most of the stuff that has happened to me is not as severe as some other people. but it still hurts. and i want someone to listen. and all of this is so scattered. i’ll apologize now for the random parts. and skipping around. i just have so much to say. and i dont know how to fit it all together.
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so my best friend and i (i did have a “thing” for him. it was like an on/off thing, there were times where i found him repulsive but i’d always come back to liking him. but no one knew about this besides me. i often agreed with my other friends when they said he was probably gay. but i always hoped he wasnt.) anyway, we were getting into a lot of arguments. always around the time of my period. but i didnt want to blame that on anything because it seemed like a stupid excuse. so in june we got into another argument. and i wasnt doing well at all. i was driving home from looking for a job and i just started crying and to keep myself from running my car off the side of the road, i started punching my leg. we eventually fixed things, or so i thought, and for a week or two things were fine. (i’m starting to tear up right now. its like my chest just closed up. and i cant breathe) anyway. i think he was getting annoyed with me or something because he was acting like i was bothering him. and i didnt want to waste my time with someone who wanted me around when i was convenient. i’ve never been good with keeping friends and i’ve always felt like no one cared. so when he turned around and did this, i just lost all hope.
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i’ve never had a tough life. i’ve always done well at school (finished my first year of college with a 3.89 gpa) and i know exactly what i want to do with my life. i have a family who takes care of me.
but my parents divorced when i was 15. and my father and i were really close. and he just started favoring my brothers over my sister and i. and it hurt a lot. he tries to call me and talk to me now, but i just dont want anything to do with him. and the divorce at an older age didnt make it any easier for me. my mom remarried about a year after the divorce. she told me i didnt have to meet her boyfriend until i was ready. and exactly 2 weeks later she invites him to our cottage with his daughter, so i have no choice but to meet him. and a year after that, my mom tells me she got married (she didnt even tell me she was going to) and then my new step-dad moves in. i’m still so bitter about all of this happening. but it was around the time of my parents divorce that the thoughts of suicide started.
my mom took me to a therapist. but she didnt like what she was telling me, so i never went back.
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my grandpa (who i’ve always looked up to) told me that since i’m a girl, i wont be able to complete my biology major. “its more of a “boy” course” he said.
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its a whole bunch of little things that just make me feel bad. and i know a lot of things would be easier if i wasnt around. i’m not important. the things i do are stupid.
when my best friend left me, the thoughts of suicide became so much stronger. i thought i could turn to him when i needed to talk. or get away from things that were making me feel bad. and yet, here i am, scratching my arm with a safety pin pretty much every morning. thinking about how many tylenol pm pills are left in the bottle (58). all because he wont listen. and because i thought we were closer than we apparently were.
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i force myself to eat one meal a day. and i have to take a tylenol pm in order to fall asleep at night.
i told my mom to hide the pills last night. and she started telling me that i’m stupid. and she was yelling at me. and it didnt make me feel any better. just worse. who else can i disappoint?
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when i fall asleep, i dont want to wake up.
the only thing keeping me here right now is my grandma. she was going through a tough time right before i was born. and when i was born, she focused all her energy on me. i made her feel better. and now, she’s the only person who could make me feel better. she died a year and a half ago. i just want to talk to her.
i feel better saying all of this, but its only temporary. i know in a few hours i’ll be in the kitchen searching for the pills my mom hid. to know where they are if i need them.
i have a doctor appt tomorrow. 9am. he’ll give me more medication. medication wont bring back the people i love though. it wont fix whats already happened.
5 comments
Hey, I know it might seem weird leaving all your problems for strangers to read but it’s a good thing. It helps you get it off your chest when the people that are supposed to be there for you are not there to listen. It isn’t fair and sometimes we dont know exactly what to do but thinking about ending everything just to feel release, is not the answer to your problems. Life did not come with instructions and no one told us how pain would feel and how others actions would affect us. No matter what your age,no matter how dire the situation, there is always an alternative to the one action you can’t undo. There will always be new people that will come in and out of your life and life goes on! I’ve tried to end my life twice.. One, after my grandma died. I am still going after 12 years after she has gone and not a day goes by that I dont talk to her. You can keep her in your heart and although she cannot answer you or hold you, she is there and is listening. Do not let others actions affect how YOU feel. You are the key.
I think you should try to reconcile with your grandfather. I know he has hurt you but I think it could be a good start. As far as your family sometimes when people are afraid of whats happening to someone they love they often act in a way that hurts them, sadly. They do care about you, whether they say it or not. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. From what you’ve said, I know your grandmother cared about you very much 🙂 And even though she is not with you, I know she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. Honor her memory as much as you can, you are doing very well already, you just need to feel like you are now 🙂 If you would like to talk, or even just say hi, here’s my email. Email: youngjoh@grinnell.edu
Your family sounds very confusing – you say you’ve never had a tough life, but in the next sentence you say completely the opposite. Your parents divorced; your dad played favorites with the boys over the girls; your mom betrayed you by bringing a new man into her life without much respect or concern for how this would affect you.
Betrayal (and all the things you describe are instances of betrayal) is HUGE.
It’s where you’re dependent on somebody (like your mom or dad, or a friend) for something – love, money, a place to live, respect, or whatever – and they basically betray your trust by not giving you what you need at the moment you need it most. Basically they let you down, over and over and over again. It’s like when the Peanuts character Lucy puts the football down for Charlie Brown to kick, then when he runs up to kick it, she yanks the ball away at the last second and he falls on his back on the ground.
This is what it feels like to be betrayed. If you have that feeling in your gut when you think about the ways people have treated you (the falling down on your butt feeling, like Charlie Brown) then you have been betrayed.
Unfortunately, in most cases the only way to stop being betrayed and hurt by these people is to get them out of your life. Which can be really hard to do when it’s your family and you are maybe living with them or need financial support from then. That’s when they have you by the ‘short hairs’, as they say.
And a major clue that your mom doesn’t have your best interests at heart? is that she stopped taking you to the therapist when the therapist said things your mom didn’t want to hear.
What all of this stuff is, is a power battle. Your mom has more power than you, in your relationship, and she takes advantage of that. The only way out is to move out, to get out from under your mom’s thumb. Otherwise things will only get worse.
And I disagree with Patrick about reconciling with your grandfather – you shouldn’t forgive someone who totally undermines your self-confidence and self-esteem like that. That’s not a forgivable offense. You maybe don’t have to spend the rest of your life being angry or anything, but you sure as heck shouldn’t spend time around someone who treats you like you’re not worth much or that you aren’t just as good at something as ‘the boys’ are. That’s bullshit, if you’ll forgive my saying so. It’s just another sexist crap maneuver to try to keep women feeling intimidated and inferior. And it works, especially if you forgive them for it.
The big clue is: How do you feel around any of these people? People who make you feel good about yourself are good for you. People who make you feel bad about yourself are BAD for you and you should avoid them like the plague, no matter how hard it may be to do that. And if you can’t avoid them, then you have to learn how to stand up to them – take a karate class, or an assertiveness training class, or just ask a friend you trust to ‘cheerlead’ you in standing up for yourself.
i dont know if U’ll evr see this cuz I dont wanna tell who I am. but, I appreciate Ur comments. While I have all togethr different situations, I can feel Ur comments & I feel the same way. I hope U feel betr now. I dont know why, but I hope U R betr. I am so sorry U feel badly. I feel bad, too. & no one unrstands – or really evn suspects I wanna go away. the tragedy of it all is that I “should” be fine. but Im not. One moment I feel good – the next I wanna go away. I really want to start ovr, but cant. I would love to just go back to simpl days & no one to hurt me or me hurting them & I am so tired. Jus worn out! The problem w/ taking my life is the unknown. I worry it could b worse & there is no one on the planet who can tell us how it will b. I like the idea of suidal thots emerging as a result og more pain than we have resources to cope with. thats true. I disagree when they say that ending my life will not provide relief…whoevr wrote that does not know. I dont think they went ther, found out if relief was obtained -or not, and then came back to tell us suicidal knottheads! one of the big draws of checkin out is the “prospect” of relief! and I am not convinced that relief is unattainable.
well, I would not want my dribblings to discourage anyone – rather, I would hope that in some way I could help another human being. pleas forgive me if my writing has hurt in any way. If this is published in any way, I hope it results in peace, freedom, and happiness rather than pain & suffering. I wish U all the best.
I know how you feel………….that’s all I can say. If you need to talk, I’m here.
hannahwaldron25@yahoo.com