i told my mum earlier that i wanted her to die, it was a bit irrational an obviously i didnt mean it. she took my laptop away from me, for which i already didnt have the internet on. i flipped out, i dont know why. i just went crazy and started to cry. i cant live without the freaking thing!! i’d have to sit in my room and actually live my life. and for years the internet has become something that helps me escape from my “life”.
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she rubbed it in though. “you dont know what its like to have someone that close to you die” she knows i dint mean it, she was trying to make me feel guilty, i apolagised straight away. but she just got angry again, like she always does, i told her she acts like a child, that instead of talking to me like a real mother ought to, she makes snide remarks, as if shes living in a bond movie, and every opertuity is one to be met with a (half) witty come-back.
so she came in my room “come on then, talk to me. tell me how you feel” which is equally the most agressinve and intriging question she has ever asked me. i told her that it was too late. 17 years of her not caring, of her calling me things like “nebdy no mates” or telling me that “[i] think [i’m] so much more important than everyone else” when she knows fully well that thats not true. she puts me down in any which way she can.
i mostly live in another life now, i hardly talk to her, i harld talk at all. i just “surf” the net, or spend the rest of my life liing in a fantasy that i have built over the past 5/6 odd years.
i told her she made me frightened, she didnt listen. but she IS violent. I KNOW that! i have felt and seen that, but she has never actually verbally threatened me. i told her i told my conceler (cant spell, sorry)(like a therapist?? – someone who listens, anyway) that she was violent, and dhe said i was being one sided, she has never threatened me. but she has hit me, once. and she has thrown our toys in fits of rage, she almost did earlier. and i AM scared of her. but its not justified because she never threatened me. she was upset, i could see that, but she just NEVER listens, and i couldnt tell her how i felt becuase of exactly that!! i’m not good with words, and i cant say anything to any one unless i fully trust them, (or anonymously over the webs!).
and i took my sertraline, which i have debated about on here and elsewere for weeks.
the point is, i dont know anymore. she deniys these things so well, that i dont know if my depression and anger are even justified anymore. shes great with this kinda thing, shes confident enough, and she can spin this story to anyone to make me sound evil. and i know she will.
sometimes i hate her, because many of the things that still haunt me (i was sexually abused as a child, and when i told my mother- i can remember her just laughing and saying that that was because he loved me (the kid that did it) she never listend enough to understand) are down to her.
now i think i’m just being a brat! she makes me feel like shit, and i’m not good enough to answer back, i cant!!!! i just dont know whats right and whats real anymore.
5 comments
You’re not being a brat. Your mother is being emotionally abusive (though don’t say this to her, it’ll just set her off again). But _you_ know she’s abusing her power over you to make you feel bad about yourself. It’s a power trip, and it’s amazing how many parents do this and everybody looks the other way and pretends like it’s no big deal and it’s ok for parents to treat their kids this way.
But it’s not ok, it really isn’t. It’s destructive, and you know that, and it’s great that you are trying to stand up to her and force her to talk to you. Unfortunately she holds most of the cards – if you’re financially dependent on her and can’t move out because you don’t have enough money, she knows that and will take advantage of it. Which sucks. It’s totally _not_ the way parents should be. They’re supposed to _help_ you, not get in your way and make your life more difficult.
I’m not sure what advice to give, or if you even want advice, but I hope you will write some more if it helps you to get some of this off your chest.
First off. Your mother sounds like a complete and utter idiot sometimes.
No offence to her, of course, but wow? I’m sorry you have to deal with that on a regular basis. I can understand why you feel the need to hide.
You are completely justified in feeling the way you do. I might say that a lot, but you are, and any attempt from her to make you sound overly dramatic, or not good enough, or anything like that, are wrongly placed.
Of course it’s never easy to hear someone say they wish you to die, but as a parent, they shouldn’t hold grudges. The snide remarks and put downs serve no purpose but to hurt you it seems, even if she thinks it’s for your own good, I know how painful that can be.
And I understand the feeling of doubt that can arise, when you’re being told constantly, over and over, that you’re wrong, and the way you feel is wrong, and that you shouldn’t feel that way. But take my word for it. You’re right. And you should feel that way, and continue to feel like it until the problem is solved.
I don’t want to leave you too much to reply to, because I’d like to talk to you further if you’d like that. But do you think you could talk to her? And tell her these things? You said she came to you in your room, and that’s a start. Obviously it wasn’t under the best of circumstances, but it’s a start.
Are you able to find her, to talk, just you and her, without her making remarks or anything of the kind. Just an entirely open conversation?
It can be surprising how much mistrust and bad feeling can build up in a relationship over time, even with someone as close as your mother.
I know it might make you feel vulnerable, but try and tell your mother how you’re feeling, if you can. I hope she loves and cares for you enough to listen.
I’ll talk to you soon hopefully.
You and your mother ought to listen to the CDs “The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People” by Dr. Steven R. Covey. He is a great enunciator on relationships, and particularly in families.
One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is mutual respect. They don’t listen to their kids at all, thinking that they’ve got all the answers to life and their kids haven’t because they haven’t lived through what they have. You need to stand up and confront her, and tell her that you do not appreciate her talking to you in a condescending manner and say that unless she changes tack you will refuse to talk to her for anything and be prepared to go through with your word.
The more reactive you get, the more she will harangue you. Never feel that you are alone in this world. There are many help centres for people who are suicidal, and you need to get out of your comfort zone in order to approach them.
You need to go out in the world to discover the answers for yourself, they won’t come handed on a silver platter.
look man i know how u feel somewhat, but just know that plenty of people care, or u wouldnt havecomments on this post, but theres a reason to live whether u believe in anything spiritual or not u might just not realize it, and also, the sertraline doesnt help the feelings youre having bc it made matters worse for me, also try going outside as much as possible or smoke bud lol these things will contribute to your brain making more dopamine (makes you happy)
Dario –
Your advice to Falling Out to confront her mother is excellent. You are right about the ‘mutual respect’ thing.
However, you need to learn how to practice what you preach, and learn how some of the things _you_ are saying are disrespectful to the original commenter. Such as “You need to go out into the world … they won’t come handed on a silver platter.”
The ‘silver platter’ bit is rude, disrespectful and totally unnecessary. You start out sounding helpful, but reveal your true motives by that mean little comment at the end.
Please be more careful – some of the people here are literally on a hair trigger. They are real people who are hurting, who are reaching out, and comments like yours can shut them off or send them back into hiding, or, worst of all, send them over the edge.
I also want to ask, have you ever personally been suicidal?
If not, I’d back off a little on the ‘advice’ if I were you. It comes off as smug and condescending, lecturing and shaming, and I’ll tell you something, damn near every person who ever writes on this site has had an earful of that already. They don’t need any more guilt trips from total random strangers.
If you’re actually here to _help_, then I’d suggest reading around a bit. Learn a bit about people’s stories. Do more listening than talking. And read up about the concepts of support, nurturing, and compassion.
Support, nurturing and compassion are what people here need, not lectures about ‘pulling themselves up by their bootstraps’.
Lecturing people who are already at the end of their rope is _not_ helpful. It is DISRESPECTFUL.