falling out

  July 9th, 2009 by nebdy

i told my mum earlier that i wanted her to die, it was a bit irrational an obviously i didnt mean it. she took my laptop away from me, for which i already didnt have the internet on. i flipped out, i dont know why. i just went crazy and started to cry. i cant live without the freaking thing!! i’d have to sit in my room and actually live my life. and for years the internet has become something that helps me escape from my “life”.

 

she rubbed it in though. “you dont know what its like to have someone that close to you die” she knows i dint mean it, she was trying to make me feel guilty, i apolagised straight away. but she just got angry again, like she always does, i told her she acts like a child, that instead of talking to me like a real mother ought to, she makes snide remarks, as if shes living in a bond movie, and every opertuity is one to be met with a (half) witty come-back.

so she came in my room “come on then, talk to me. tell me how you feel” which is equally the most agressinve and intriging question she has ever asked me. i told her that it was too late. 17 years of her not caring, of her calling me things like “nebdy no mates” or telling me that “[i] think [i’m] so much more important than everyone else” when she knows fully well that thats not true. she puts me down in any which way she can.

i mostly live in another life now, i hardly talk to her, i harld talk at all. i just “surf” the net, or spend the rest of my life liing in a fantasy that i have built over the past 5/6 odd years.

i told her she made me frightened, she didnt listen. but she IS violent. I KNOW that! i have felt and seen that, but she has never actually verbally threatened me. i told her i told my conceler (cant spell, sorry)(like a therapist?? – someone who listens, anyway) that she was violent, and dhe said i was being one sided, she has never threatened me. but she has hit me, once. and she has thrown our toys in fits of rage, she almost did earlier. and i AM scared of her. but its not justified because she never threatened me. she was upset, i could see that, but she just NEVER listens, and i couldnt tell her how i felt becuase of exactly that!! i’m not good with words, and i cant say anything to any one unless i fully trust them, (or anonymously over the webs!).

and i took my sertraline, which i have debated about on here and elsewere for weeks.

the point is, i dont know anymore. she deniys these things so well, that i dont know if my depression and anger are even justified anymore. shes great with this kinda thing, shes confident enough, and she can spin this story to anyone to make me sound evil. and i know she will.

sometimes i hate her, because many of the things that still haunt me (i was sexually abused as a child, and when i told my mother- i can remember her just laughing and saying that that was because he loved me (the kid that did it) she never listend enough to understand) are down to her.

now i think i’m just being a brat! she makes me feel like shit, and i’m not good enough to answer back, i cant!!!! i just dont know whats right and whats real anymore.

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