I’m not even sure how to describe my feelings at the moment…
I feel like a complete failure, I’m feeling dejected and empty.
It seems that everything I attempt ends in failure or misery, due to lack of motivation
and just feeling completely worthless. I’m not even sure why I have suicidal thoughts once in a while.
I think I just like to entertain the thought in order to help me feel ‘comfortable’.
I don’t think I would ever act upon it because I’d be too afraid to carry it out and I would not like to burden
any of my immediate family. When I read others stories I can’t help but feel a little over dramatic, which again
makes me feel completely stupid. It does pain me to hear about others struggles and I would not wish anything they have gone through
upon anybody.
I lack direction in life, I know that people are supposed to be unsure about their career path, however I cannot picture myself doing anything.. at all. I’m assuming this lack of direction is what is fueling my lack of motivation. I’ve never been in love or have been loved by anybody. I’ve never really had many friends while growing up, only a few close ones. I never really go out much, although I would like to, I have no one to go out with. I’m currently failing my subjects due to lack of motivation because I continually question the purpose of studying and find it hard to see a point to it. I’m incredibly shy and anxious meaning I often find it hard to socialize with others, it affects me during class because I tend to avoid attending because everyone else is able to socialize with little to no difficulty and I dislike being the awkward student sat by themselves.
Basically I feel the only type of career I would even consider would be something I am passionate about (which unfortunately has a low employment rate), or something which can be of benefit to others, something that would make others feel happy. I’m always questioning my own existence trying to find reason and meaning to justify it. I feel that everything has a purpose in life but I am struggling to find my own. I feel that everything happens for a reason but I can’t seem to formulate an understanding for my continual failures at most aspects of life. This is probably why I would want a career that would benefit others and bring happiness to them, as I see this as a form of justification for what at the moment seems like quite a pathetic life.
Sorry for the long, tedious, rant. I just feel a little bit relieved having let it out.
I wish everyone else the best of luck in dealing with their problems in life.
Thank you if you managed to read all of this without falling asleep =).
P.s Thank you Susan for taking the time to read my long post and for commenting. I really appreciate it 🙂
4 comments
Hey, dude, reading what you wrote brings me right back to my highschool days. I’m well past those now and still struggling with the same problems, so if I can offer you any advice, it would always be to follow what you’re passionate about. Ten, twelve years on, I’m doing shit jobs that I really don’t care about and wondering where all my passion went, as these days I can’t muster up much motivation to do anything and wondering what the point is of it all. All I can tell you is, that passion for something, anything, is the most precious gift that life can give us, so milk that sucker for all it’s worth, as it probably won’t last. Especially if you tend towards depressive melancholy, which you must, if you’re on this site. Don’t sweat the social awkwardness, as you’ll find your place in time. Don’t be in a hurry or you’ll miss the things along the side of the road that you realise later were the jewels to be savoured. Anyway, I sound like an old lady, or something. But, I just wanted to let you know that directionlessness is perfectly okay for your stage in life, but don’t let the opportunities for happiness pass you by, as they seldom come twice. Good luck, and have patience, as good things will come your way.
Hi Susan,
thanks again for commenting =).
Thanks a lot for offering your advice
I’m sorry to hear about your jobs and loss of passion.
What, if I may ask, are/were you passionate about?
Haha yes I am drawn to melancholic behaviours (whether or not that is unfortunate).
Thank you again for advice, I have read what you typed and have taken it to heart.
By the way, you do not sound like an old lady at all 🙂
Thank you and I wish for good things for you as well.
No problem, and thanks for the good wishes! My passions were always in the creative fields–but I was never brave, or committed enough to really devote myself to anything–art, music, writing. Also very vulnerable to criticism, which is difficult when you’re putting your heart and soul on display for others to judge and evaluate. So, I’ve attempted a variety of other “more practical” careers, but they always just end up leaving me feeling empty, restless, dissatisfied. I was never really able to devote myself to anything without some sort of strong motivation, and it sounds like you’re the same way. So that’s why I think you should follow your instincts, and do whatever brings you an amount of happiness. So unless you want the house and the car and the high-status job and the other things that seem to motivate most people, aim for happiness, as it’s not as easy to find as you might think. Anyway, that’s enough home-spun wisdom out of me! Good luck and best wishes!
Hi. Sorry, I just thought your rant describes the me of a few years ago, or well, of the present really. Is it a bad thing that I find reading this makes me happy that another person had felt this way? Damn you really don’t need this, God I feel so screwed up. But I read through the comments and I think you’re doing good for yourself. Sorry again I just felt like saying something since what you said really struck me.