Feeling despondent..

  July 14th, 2009 by Adelleda

I’m not even sure how to describe my feelings at the moment…
I feel like a complete failure, I’m feeling dejected and empty.
It seems that everything I attempt ends in failure or misery, due to lack of motivation
and just feeling completely worthless. I’m not even sure why I have suicidal thoughts once in a while.
I think I just like to entertain the thought in order to help me feel ‘comfortable’.
I don’t think I would ever act upon it because I’d be too afraid to carry it out and I would not like to burden
any of my immediate family. When I read others stories I can’t help but feel a little over dramatic, which again
makes me feel completely stupid. It does pain me to hear about others struggles and I would not wish anything they have gone through
upon anybody.

I lack direction in life, I know that people are supposed to be unsure about their career path, however I cannot picture myself doing anything.. at all. I’m assuming this lack of direction is what is fueling my lack of motivation. I’ve never been in love or have been loved by anybody. I’ve never really had many friends while growing up, only a few close ones. I never really go out much, although I would like to, I have no one to go out with. I’m currently failing my subjects due to lack of motivation because I continually question the purpose of studying and find it hard to see a point to it. I’m incredibly shy and anxious meaning I often find it hard to socialize with others, it affects me during class because I tend to avoid attending because everyone else is able to socialize with little to no difficulty and I dislike being the awkward student sat by themselves.
Basically I feel the only type of career I would even consider would be something I am passionate about (which unfortunately has a low employment rate), or something which can be of benefit to others, something that would make others feel happy. I’m always questioning my own existence trying to find reason and meaning to justify it. I feel that everything has a purpose in life but I am struggling to find my own. I feel that everything happens for a reason but I can’t seem to formulate an understanding for my continual failures at most aspects of life. This is probably why I would want a career that would benefit others and bring happiness to them, as I see this as a form of justification for what at the moment seems like quite a pathetic life.

Sorry for the long, tedious, rant. I just feel a little bit relieved having let it out.
I wish everyone else the best of luck in dealing with their problems in life.
Thank you if you managed to read all of this without falling asleep =).

P.s Thank you Susan for taking the time to read my long post and for commenting. I really appreciate it 🙂

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