Well never thought that I would be even considering anything like suicide considering I watched my mom try it twice. I mean I always thought that I would make it in life, you know one of the happy people. Well I guess life has a strange way of slapping the shit out of you and making you realize that happiness is unatainable. I don’t know really what I am going to do. I don’t want to kill myself really I don’t but I really don’t know if I want to go on. I mean really. I guess I just need to tell my story, well hell here goes. I am 32 and I have lost my job. I know what you are thinking well hell alot of people have lost there jobs. Well I am loosing everything I have because of it. I can’t get government assistance and now after getting unemployment for one week I can’t get that either. So I guess why go on? I am not very religous but I have always heard that if you commit suicide that you go to hell. Well I think I already am in hell. I mean my life had just finally started turning itself around for once. I was happy with my wife, I have custody of my two boys, my baby girl is growing and I finally got to meet my son that I hadn’t seen in 12 years. Everything was going great, we were getting out of debt and then it happened. I got a piece of paper after working for 6 years saying that “due to economic reasons” I was laid off. Well now I don’t have anything left and the only thing I have to live for is my kids. I really don’t know how much longer though I can put off the thoughts of going through with it. I mean hell it is 11:19 PM at night right now and I am leaving a legacy on a suicide web site. I must be fucked in the head just like my mom was. I don’t know what else to do. The bad thing is I don’t want my kids to end up with my ex because she is a worthless mother to them. But what good am I to them if I can’t find a job and don’t have any money. I can’t buy food for them and can’t pay the rent so seems to me that they are better off with her than they are with me anyways. Don’t really know anymore and I have nobody to talk to cause if I do they will just try and commit me to a looney bin like they did my mom. Then I would be up the creek and the kids would be gone then to. So why the hell not end it all? Who knows maybe for some dumb reason I just can’t give up all hope. I don’t know maybe there is a god out there that is looking out for all of us. Then again I may just be dilousional who knows. I really don’t know, I want to keep the faith but how can I when I am loosing my manhood, my self worth, and my self esteem. I mean I have not even told my kids that I have lost my job cause I know it would freak them out. I don’t want them to know that. I think that I would rather them remember me as I was. Strong, proud, and full of love for them. Hell I guess this is my way of writting some stupid ass suicide note, who knows. I don’t know what I am going to do really, maybe I just hope somebody will see this and think about there life and not go down my path. I don’t know, I always thought that things happened for a reason and maybe they do maybe it is my time to end my life. Maybe I am not meant to die in my sleep of old age. Maybe I am meant to do it myself. Well I don’t know but I at least hope that I can touch someones life out there and give them some kind of HOPE because I have lost all of mine that I had left.
The End.
2 comments
Buddy, keep the faith and hang in there. Don’t leave the people that love you most. What did they do to be punished by your death. Get through this speed bump. Get a job. Your depressed, pull yourself together and find the will power thats within you. Do something to improve the situation instead of cowering down thinking that killing yourself is the only sure fire way to take care of it. It’s not!
“my manhood, my self worth, and my self esteem”
It is your _culture_ that has written this insanely narrow definition of what makes a ‘man’.
The question is: Can YOU re-write a definition that allows you to be the man you ARE, right this minute?
What if you told your children:
“I’ve lost my job. I’m frightened about being able to support you financially the way I want to. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get another job. I care about you very much, but I’m afraid of not being able to support you the way I think you should be supported.”
See how they react. Leave some silence, with no expectation, for them to say whatever they’re feeling/thinking. This may help you know what to do next. This way you’re in a _partnership_ with them, allowing them some say in their future. This is a powerful thing for a parent to do for kids.
In other words, use your feelings to connect you with your children, rather than cut you off from them.
Don’t make it their responsibility to take care of you, but let them know what’s happening so that they can be part of your life.
When you hide reality, and your feelings about what’s happening, from them, it’s frightening for them.
You’re not expecting them to solve your problems; you’re merely telling them the truth. Kids are way better at the truth than you think. They may get angry and resentful at first, but if you allowing them to have their natural feelings in response to a scary situation, they’ll appreciate that you’ve been straight up with them.
It’s grownups who are afraid of the truth. We’ve gotten so attached to ‘The Dream’ and trying so hard to live it that we forget the very most important thing of all: The other people on your life.
Can you do this? Just talk to them. Openly. If you’ve already decided to end your life, what do you have to lose? Don’t frighten them by telling them you’re considering death. Just talk to them about what’s happening, and see how they react. They may surprise you. I’m betting they will.
And also, don’t undermine their mother by saying bad things to them about her. Regardless of _your_ opinion of her, she’s the only mother they’ve got. They _need_ to have a good image of her until they get old enough to have their own opinions.