help

I read somewhere that people think of suicide when the amount of pain they’re having in their lives (emotional pain) exceeds their resources to cope with the pain.

That probably seems pretty obvious, but I think what it’s really trying to point out is that we aren’t meant to handle this kind of pain alone. Human beings are meant to be supported and nurtured and cared for by other humans in times of struggle and fear.

I’ve read in many places that Americans are some of the loneliest people on the planet – even though our country spends more money than almost any other country in the world (is overall the ‘richest’, or one of the richest), it’s almost as if this insane pursuit of personal ‘success’ has come at a really high cost: Human relationships. Everybody in this country is expected to make it alone, without any help, and we all get more selfish and self-centered every day, worrying more about money and status than about the other people in our lives.

The point of all that is that it makes for a whole lot of very lonely, disconnected people, and things like the internet make it easier to be isolated.

If you can find someone to talk to, anyone, about even just the tiniest piece of whatever’s on your mind, sometimes it can give you enough relief to make that next little step. Think of any people – friends, relatives, neighbor, teacher, whoever – who might be willing to listen a bit. Call around and say, “Hey, I have a couple things on my mind that it would really help to talk about, I wonder if you might have some time that we could talk a bit?” Or something like that. Try not to make it too demanding, or scary, unless you know the person really well and you’ve already established some kind of relationship where they’re comfortable with that level of emotional intensity.

I hope I’m not giving annoying advice when what you really need is just somebody to listen.

I guess I would just say, if you need a hug, see if you can get someone to give you a hug. Or hold you for a while. Sometimes people will do it just because you ask. You can just tell them you’re feeling really sad and you need some help with that, or need a little company, could you come hang out with them for a while? Or just say you need to talk.

Lots of people are afraid of being seen as ‘lame’, or pathetic, or weak if they show their emotions. That’s another really f*cked up thing about this culture, and a LOT of people think that way, unfortunately. But there are also people who are totally ok with sadness and anger and some of the more uncomfortable emotions, and you need to hunt until you find at least one person like that, if you don’t have somebody like that already. It’s essential to be able to talk.

I know it can be hard to hang out with friends when you feel full of all these horrible emotions and you’re afraid you’ll accidentally blurt something out about suicide and they’ll go all freaky on you and get all horribly worried and annoying instead of just listening to you and letting you talk it out.

Most people don’t realize that suicidal people generally don’t need to be talked out of suicide – they just need to TALK, period. To have somebody listen, have somebody care.

And then once you get past that moment of immediate crisis, it’s really important to spend time creating as many connections with people as you can. Because that’s what gets you through the day-to-day stuff and keeps it from ever getting so bad in the first place. At least, that’s my theory.

And please come back and write again, as often as you need to, if that helps. Sometimes telling the story over and over again can be another way to get some of the pain out.