imagine just running your entire life. fleeing. cowardly. 24/7 and then when you are alone. you tell urself. i can do it. i can stand up and be brave. i’m a good guy but when the moment comes u run again. everytime. and then at times u are forced and it turns out not half bad, but then u look at yourself internally and see that your a horny pervert. and then the whole world sees your a horny pervert. you just want to put your dick in a hole. thats it. that’s it. the end. nothing else interests you nor do you care about anyone else. except that they don’t turn out like you. Also your old “friend’s” now only see a ******. or a bad person. unbelieveable maybe to some. you can’t go outside. you can barely communcate with your family and you never did before either. You don’t know anything about anyone, your parents your brothers, its as if you’ve been a brainless zombie all your life and you’ve badly woken up seeing that.  Now you wish you were never born. too scared to get help and when you do talk to someone your lost. lost into thinking your going to heaven and your far far away from reality. you don’t have any relationship with anyone, nor your mom your dad or your brothers or friends etc. cause you never got anything to talk about. only things that go through you head is help me. and yet with your blind eyes you see food everday. tv. not being yelled at. or anything of that sort, but you know that your family hates you. extremely. everyone around you.
people can hear you talk to yourself subconsciencely.   now knowning someone else is listening to you, makes you even more crazy and confused. one day i was talking to myself in my head. thinking about my life and thinking that no matter what i’m destined to hell. and then my grandma says, now he understands finally he understands.( i was talking to MYSELF!!! IN MY HEADDD)  somehow she can hear me talking to myself.. and i’m thinking, if your in position to say that, why don’t you give me some guidance if your so perfect than…. but that’s what I thought. to myself very angry and lost. ..
your just waiting to kill yourslef….then you will  see the fire. which you know nothing about. except that its an evil destination. right now you dont care. but when you see it..you’ll def care and would be begging for a chance to return and be righteous. and now your lost. people can hear you. your thinking well that’s strange. if people know so much why don’t they confront you and explain things to you.you have heard your mom say dozens of times trying to tell you about what your doing with my life. have an aim. and how they are people around the world who have no legs or are in a lot worse situation, yet they are happy/ living ….. or something. or want to live. you find it hard only because you’ve lost my mind. nobody is above me is the way your being dont know how you got to this state. completely lost.
 THEN one day your outside of a mall sitting on a bench feeling like you’ve been shell shocked you see people bending as in carrying a big burden or just seeing them in pain. because of you! and then you get up. shocked and cussing to yourself. “fukk oh fukkk oh fukkk, and feeling of adrenline and fear of going to hell. and your friends running from you or just pacing distances away from you. and then the feeling goes away. a friend says, “looked like a revelation didn’t it,” and become even more lost. now your stuck thinking your the center of attention and thinking your better than everyone else or something of that nature. but inside your just a loser pervert. lost. one friend said you gave up. uncle said first thing Adam wanted to do was to move. your lost. lost. what is going on………….why do i feel like someone should just shooot me. get it over with.
also many have said that this is all from a girl you fell in love with and she broke your heart. and your heart broke.
and a random person you do not know or seen looks at you and you say hi or something. and he doesn’t tell you, but points to a light that is not working. and says see that light thats you. “my light is turned off”
lost. and sucidal.
explain.
2 comments
Explain? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! CONTACT ME….
If I would comment all that I wanted to it may be a book, I can relate to you…wow…
You can talk to me, you can email me or make even a fake yahoo just to talk to me through it about ANYTHING…
I know what you mean about the afterlife, and …EVERYTHING…
Trust me…I can help, if you want to be helped…
Jennifer
Email: stolenname123@yahoo.com
Thank you for writing so honestly. I’m unfortunately at the point where writing a bunch seems pointless because no one seems to want to hear anything I have to say.
It is strange though, that the world that has kicked me around all my life, and still does, says, “Don’t do it, talk to someone!” But they seem to add, without saying it, “but not me, not honestly. I’m just here to spout platitudes at you and tell you it will be all right.”
I’ve figured out that it isn’t going to be all right. I’m 33, I’ve been depressed off and on since 10. I’ve been on most existing meds, I’ve had sixteen ECT treatments, I’ve been in therapy most of my life. It’s been four years now since the latest depression began, and it’s not ending.
I carry a great deal of guilt about what this will do to my amazing husband; he is the only reason I’ve stuck around this long. But, I am growing weary. I can’t stand this world, and I really can’t stand most people in it. I don’t want to make it better, I just want to leave it behind. I’ve decided to wait until after the holidays, because I don’t want my husband to have that view of x-mas every year, but the time is near.
To all those that try to save people here and mean well: I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone, and I’m sorry you see it as selfish, but wanting us to be in so much pain for so many years is selfish too. I spent a few decades trying to make the world better. It’s not. I’m done.