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Farewell

by sv650wrx

where to start? well I’m 29 yrs old and l I’ve been depressed for a long as I can remember. I tried to kill myself about 9 yrs ago, I hung myself until I blacked out, it was almost painless the pain only lasted less then a minute then I couldnt feel anything, but my wife cut me down and they rushed me to the hospital so I woke up in the hospital angry that I didn’t succeed and now I was stuck going to a mental clinic for like 3 months taking pills that didn’t do anything to help, but at least I still had her. Well that was then and today she’s gone, we are getting divorced and this pain I feel keeps getting worst everyday, everyone keeps saying that it will go away and it’s been months and months now and It hasn’t gone away, I feel empty and alone without my kids and her, they have always been my only reason to keep living but now they are gone and I’m here all alone.

This past Christmas and new years were the loneliest for me I always had fun being with my kids watching them open their presents and watching their smiles when they were opening them was everything to me but this time I couldn’t, and I remember that in new years we used to light up the fireworks, and now all that is gone. I never wanted this for them. I miss being with them everyday preparing food for them , putting them in bed, taking them to school everything.

Well this depression is killing me slowly I used to weight 200 pounds in the beginning of 2009 and now my weight is 135, I also hurt myself like many of you but instead of cutting myself I burn myself with cigarretes. I really cant take this anymore the pain, the emptiness, and the loneliness is so much that I want it over, every day at work seems like an eternity but I have to go on as nothing is happening or someone may notice.

I promised myself that I was going to go thru with the divorce cause thats what she wanted, but that plan is over I just can’t take it anymore. I wont put details cause I don’t want anyone finding me and I’m really sorry for the people I might hurt. Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore.

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4 comments

BloodDreamer 1/31/2010 - 10:27 am

Don’t do it. Think of your children.. I don’t know why your wife wants to leave you, but the fact that you tried to kill yourself while you were still with her might be an explanation. Now it’s time to move on. Think of your children. You have a legal right to see them and you can arrange with your wife for division of parental duties. And saying sorry for the people you might hurt is not a reason. Put yourself in your children’s place.. they will have to live with their knowledge that their father offed himself. We are all depressed here but we keep going. Find a way to find new meaning in life

isabelle 1/31/2010 - 7:20 pm

please don’t do it! i know you’ve been through so much hardship, but there is more out there, you are blocking your mind of the possibilities of your future. If your children lost you, they could be depressed for the rest of their lives. death is not an easy thing to get over. they will blame themselves no matter what you say. please think about yourself and the potential happiness that life is waiting for you to experience, and the happiness of your family. there are others out in the world like you, and you are not alone!

i will leave you with my favorite quote, and hopefully it will make you think a little more about your choice 🙂 i really hope you get to see the light staying here with us on earth and living there are so many things waiting for you here

“Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.”

there are people who care

Selfish 1/31/2010 - 7:41 pm

My parents are divorced. My father was sick and dying in the hospital when he felt death come upon him and he actually declined. He told god that he is tired of fighting but that he was not ready to go because he wanted to be here for his children. Believe me when I say that my father was in a lot of pain and I can only imagine how difficult it was for him to do that. If he hadn’t done that I really don’t know where we’d be. I would have killed myself many years ago if not for him. If you kill yourself your children may look at it as a way to solve their problems when they get older. There are many things that are very difficult to replace or compensate for. One of those things is definitely a father. No one will love your children like you love them. And your children will never be able to have that type of connection with another man even if your wife remarries. I know from experience. No matter how great the guy is that special connection between parent and offspring cannot be duplicated. If you really love them you should definitely try to stay. You need to go into treatment for your depression, read self help books and do some major internal exploration to find out why you really want to die.

tenebriste 2/1/2010 - 6:17 am

Please, please don’t do this. Think of your children. The pain you would inflict upon them by taking your own life is ineffable. I know that you’re suffering terribly right now, and I don’t want to trivialize that or guilt-trip you, but I can’t bear to imagine what they would go through, not to mention how your ex-wife, family, and friends would feel. Please choose to live, if for no other reason than your children. Studies have shown that people whose parents commit suicide are far more likely to do the same; this is to speak nothing of the grief and anger they would harbor for the rest of their lives.

As a father who loves his children, please choose to live. Seek help — commit yourself to the hospital, even if it’s a hellhole. There is hope; things may improve. Your kids love you.

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