I Don’t Have The Answer’s- But I Am Here!

  January 17th, 2010 by Del2010

I am here again! That bleak, pathetic void, under the heavy opressive darkensss of despair. I feel, so alone, isolated, within my head. I cant quite seem to relate to people, let alone conect to them. I am watching through numbed out eyes on a world that I just don’t feel a part of. And I wonder, what is the point, when I feel so misunderstood, ignored, or just taken for granted.
And I am tired, I am too weary to keep eduring the ache of the pettiness of the human plight & with it humankind’s stupidity and predictability!
But I also know this – that these feelings – however in the immediate – however real, overwheliming, painful, biting, tormenting as they are now, in this very real moment- are ok to think- but are not ok to act upon.
I know this, because I am still here.
I know if I just breathe for a second longer, distract my thought, turn the TV on, put a CD on, log onto the Internet, stub my toe, or something, anything, it gives me that split second for those intense overwhelming, suffocating feelings to ease just a moment, to realise that yes I still want to die, but not right this second.
I know that the energy created to have these intense thoughts is exhausting, I may sleep awhile, I may just void for awhile not thinking. I may wake and still want to die, but the will, the energy to find the strength to die is just not with me. I am now too depressed to kill myself, it seems to much effort to evan do that. But this is good, this is my bodie & minds way of having a break. It is telling me that I dont have to think, I dont have to act, I dont have to be anything, I just have to keep breathing, and this is good.
If I keep doing this for awhile, it is ok, if I think about death, this is ok too, if I dream about ways to kill myself, this is ok, this is carthartic, this is an escape for me to visualise my own death, without acting upon it, it gives me relief. I am ok to think this way, I am justified in thinking this way, I am normal to think this way. Just like I know evetualy it will be normal to want to live again one day. The feeling of aloness is not that, it is that I just feel lonely in the thoughts of wanting to die. I feel lonely with the all the pain in my life that makes me feel like I want to die. But I also know, there is a difference between being Alone & being lonely. The truth is we are never truly alone, do you really think that your thoughts to die are really that unique. No, they aren’t, there is many many people out there who feel just as alone, isolated & suicidal. Our pain is unique, our emotional reaction to that pain is unique, but that pain & that sadness, & feelings of death is not, and so, by stopping for a moment, & reading other people’s stories about there own feelings, life circumstances & reasons behind why they want to die, helps to make me feel not so alone. It helps to put my life into perspective, it helps me to stop a minute, breath, not continue on with my own feelings of wanting to die. It makes me want to reach out to others who feel soo lonely, because I can relate to that horrible sate. It makes me want to help you all, connect to you all, comfort you all, hug you all. It makes me realise that hey my life maybe crap, but maybe if I can help someone else, than perhaps my life is worth something at least for this moment to someone else! My life, my attention, my empathy, my voice, my story has perhaps given someone else 5 minutes more of their life, to stop, to think, to pause, to feel loved, to feel understood. If one person can feel understood by some anonymous person in cyber land, than how many more other people could perhaps I also help/relate to… I dont have the answers, I dont have the future path or guide for you to follow, but just in this minute, give yourself 5 minutes to breath, to except that it is ok to hurt this bad, to validate to yourself that it is normal to think on wanting to end it all, but to breath just 5 minutes more before acting upon it…
5 – 10 -15 – 20 minutes have passed – your still breathing – well done – I am glad you are still here – dont think – you dont have to have any answers right this minute – just keep breathing – when you feel lighter in breath – the blanket of despair not so heavy – write, talk, ring, internet chat, email someone, talk about how you feel now or chat about the weather, but try and remember that you are now longer left alone with these thoughts, you now have company…… I dont have all the answers – but I am still here…..

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