see the candles

  January 12th, 2010 by Brokenshadows

For the most part of my life i was bullied and shut away from being allowed to express myself. From year 5 to year 10 i received constant emotional and sometimes physical torments from the people i believed to be friends, i stuck with them because they were the only people i knew. By the this point i had become very shy around anyone else but these people. Iwas so confused at why they were doing this that i believed them to be right. I began to act along to their games because it seemed to make them laugh. 

In this way, i don’t think i ever knew myself until i was 15, i was simply a walking talking puppet, there for others amusement. The thing that shocked me out of this was love, a deep binding love. She was the first person to talk to menot the puppet. She was the most popular and beautiful girl in the school and here she was treating me like an equal. Naturally i adored her. My love for her became so strong that it ripped me apart, tore at my insides. The words of “broken heart” are used to frequently, but the strangest thing is that it actually physically hurts. I knew i could never have her, her affection simply could not plug the emotional drain that was pouring out love from my body.

I broke myself apart from her, i could not cope with the emotion. I tried to get back into the puppet, but it would not fit. I was completely naked for the first time, and with a “broken heart”. I went into a sustained period of depression, i would binge, starve and cut my way to a kind of self redemption. I sometimes had anger attacks, these were mainly directed at the bullies who still persisted. Although they stopped tormenting me, i had lost my last link with humanity.

Now i found myself seriously close to suicide, i tried to take my life 3 times, not planned and every time they failed. my 4th attempt was all planed out, i was going to jump from beachy head, from a cliff. I had the route to get there, the train ticket. Then my mother found out i had been coming on this site, she flipped, took me to counseling.

The councilor helped me understand my problems, but not to fix them. If anything this caused more upset, as my mother blamed me for everything that was going wrong, the divorce, the arguments with my step dad, life in general. I did not even have the support of my family. I don’t know what got me through those dark days. An animal instinct to live? Unfulfilled dreams?

I think what actually got me going again was the amount of emotional maturity i had developed from this experience. i looked around and saw people walking blind with no idea of pain or suffering. But what made me stop and stare is i realised they weren’t truly appreciating the good sides of life. And that now, i could.

There is no Light without dark, no hope without sorrow, no highs without lows. It is only when the lights are turned out that you can truly see the candles. I still think about suicide, i wouldn’t be on this site otherwise. But i cant tell you that in these past few months i have lived more than i ever had in my entire life before suicide. sometimes i have cried my eyes out, but other times i have danced with joy.
 You may feel like there is no hope, i ask you, what do you hope for? A better world? nicer people? more understanding parents? a lover?

None of these things will happen to you. BUT YOU CAN MAKE THEM HAPPEN.

the light of hope comes not from cuts, loved ones or god, but from your own heart.

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