My mother loves me, and would do anything for me. My father is distant, but he works constantly to support his family and he never complains about it. My sister hates me but sheâ€™s civil toward me and at times kind. On the surface my life is good. Nothing special but good. I have friends who I sit with at the lunch table. I get decent grades- not great, but enough for a decent college and a decent life, but I fear I wonâ€™t get that.
Iâ€™m completely confused and bored with my life and existance in general. Iâ€™m a sophomore in high school: Iâ€™ve never gone over a friendâ€™s house (until middle school I had no friends to speak of), Iâ€™ve never had a girlfriend. Iâ€™ve never been kissed or even fucking hugged by someone my own age. I spend most, if not all, weekends in my room playing around with Photoshop, or looking at porn, or watching random shit on YouTube, or playing video games in the basement. I havenâ€™t got a job because the anxiety of that plus school would probably kill me.
People arenâ€™t comfortable around me. Iâ€™ve got a little speech problem and Iâ€™m not remotely good looking. Iâ€™m short and my teeth are bad and Iâ€™m awful at sports because of feet problems. Iâ€™m skinny, but Iâ€™ve got a huge gut that I donâ€™t understand because I never even fucking eat. Iâ€™m socially retarded because for the first seven or so years of my life, only my sister understood what I was saying and had to translate for me. My friends like me because Iâ€™m pretty quick-witted and Iâ€™ll say what everyone else is thinking, but they tell me Iâ€™m creepy and Iâ€™ve never been invited to do things with them outside of school. I suffered from heavy depression in sixth grade, had crying fits in school and even threw up a few times because my anxiety was so bad. I missed about half the year and by seventh grade on I was a social outcast. Some kid Iâ€™d never seen before kicked me a few days ago in the hallway for no reason, for example. Iâ€™m hoping that things will change in college when I can get a fresh start and a second chance to make a first impression. But Iâ€™m afraid my social awkwardness and total lack of â€œcharismaâ€ will make it a repetition of high school.
If not for my mom and grandmother I would probably kill myself. But as long as I have them in my life Iâ€™m not going to do it: theyâ€™ve been through a lot and Iâ€™m not going to put them through that shit.