My mother loves me, and would do anything for me. My father is distant, but he works constantly to support his family and he never complains about it. My sister hates me but she’s civil toward me and at times kind. On the surface my life is good. Nothing special but good. I have friends who I sit with at the lunch table. I get decent grades- not great, but enough for a decent college and a decent life, but I fear I won’t get that.
I’m completely confused and bored with my life and existance in general. I’m a sophomore in high school: I’ve never gone over a friend’s house (until middle school I had no friends to speak of), I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never been kissed or even fucking hugged by someone my own age. I spend most, if not all, weekends in my room playing around with Photoshop, or looking at porn, or watching random shit on YouTube, or playing video games in the basement. I haven’t got a job because the anxiety of that plus school would probably kill me.
People aren’t comfortable around me. I’ve got a little speech problem and I’m not remotely good looking. I’m short and my teeth are bad and I’m awful at sports because of feet problems. I’m skinny, but I’ve got a huge gut that I don’t understand because I never even fucking eat. I’m socially retarded because for the first seven or so years of my life, only my sister understood what I was saying and had to translate for me. My friends like me because I’m pretty quick-witted and I’ll say what everyone else is thinking, but they tell me I’m creepy and I’ve never been invited to do things with them outside of school. I suffered from heavy depression in sixth grade, had crying fits in school and even threw up a few times because my anxiety was so bad. I missed about half the year and by seventh grade on I was a social outcast. Some kid I’d never seen before kicked me a few days ago in the hallway for no reason, for example. I’m hoping that things will change in college when I can get a fresh start and a second chance to make a first impression. But I’m afraid my social awkwardness and total lack of “charisma†will make it a repetition of high school.
If not for my mom and grandmother I would probably kill myself. But as long as I have them in my life I’m not going to do it: they’ve been through a lot and I’m not going to put them through that shit.
6 comments
It sounds like you are in the right spot for a new start. Get a bike and start riding, or do whatever thing you like to do and do it well. If you like, say, disc golf, go out and do that (you can play at night too, email me for details). You’re young, start getting ridiculous with fitness/recreation and everything else will fall into place. You are free to reinvent yourself however you like. Instead of porn and video games, start reading some Bukowski or some Hunter S Thompson. There’s much to life, you’re young, and you’re not what anyone says you are, you are you and you kick ass. So go out there and kick some.
Well let me tell you young boy. If at that very young age you are capable of writing in such an enlighting, witty way, you have an extraordinary talent. It could be that because of the perception of your own faults, your mind has matured far beyond that. You are going to be very lucky because, and remember this when you find your girlfriend in college, she will be extraordinary, a girl you will not want to lose.
If instead of wanking in the basement, you decide to organize a story for a book, do it, you do have the talent. You tube is rubbish in general unless you select specific topics, precisely because it represents what the social mass is, mediocrely vulgar. Definitively you are not one of them, and what you should do, is being very happy and proud for what you have produced out of yourself, and with that confidence, continue to build something positive, like the book i tell you you could write, or learn a programming language, or something useful but dont waste the time in the basement.
cheers
firstly, you are a very expressive writer…ever looked into things you can do with that? getting your feelings out is the first way to start. im glad you decided to stay alive for your mom and your grandma but the most imp thing here is to stay alive for yourself. you are important on your own, so live for yourself.
high school can be the worst or best years of one’s life, so trust me, once you move on to college, you find more ppl who are like you. and dont worry about the way you look, its amazing how much ppl change when they grow out of their teen years…stick around until then to find out..and ofcourse stick around for long after that too =)
find some hobbies that will keep you out of the house and ur basement. gettng out there and getting physically involved in, like z suggested, biking is a great way to tire you out, make you feel like you did something good for your body and is a great way to release your feelings. by the end of the day, you’ll prbly be too tired to spend time in ur basement.
you’ve got everything going for you in terms of grades and family and an amazing ability to write. please continue to do this, and remember that u’ll meet someone when u least expect it. hope this helps.
cheers and good luck!
you really should not waste your time doing such things. you’ve only got so long to live. try to quit porn and do something actually productive. find a Bible online or somewhere in your house and just start reading it, start at the new testament.
you’ll be alright if you just seek meaning, instead of pleasure. please talk to me if you’d like to. my contact info is at skull09.net i would love to help you.
take care please
social charm and charisma is what a lot of bad and nasty fake people have… be aware that you although awkward now have a light inside you that shines through your writing and you will make it…. for you are aware of yourself and that will save u ultimatly. U have love and are capable of it, u are young enough that love will grow and u will blossom.
Hugs to you.
I agree with everything z said. You are young and have the opportunity to re-invent yourself. Believe it or not social skills and charisma can be learnt. Look at people like Stephen Fry, not the most handsome of people (I think), but almost certainly one of the most charismatic people in the world. One of my favourite actors, Seth Green, is very short. He’s done ok. As for your teeth, they can be fixed when you have some money. As for sports, nobody cares whether you are good at sports after high school. It’s a none issue – you can get fit without playing sport. You’ve never had a gf in high school. That’s unfortunate, but not uncommon. If you improve yourself, that will change.
You sound like you’ve been dealt a harsh hand, but that doesn’t have to define you.