Is this it?

  March 18th, 2010 by notreal

In junior high and grade school I had a fantastic group of friends. I knew many people and wasn’t shy at all. My freshman year was when things started to change. In retrospect it doesn’t seem like I changed; it’s like everyone else was changing around me and I was helpless to do anything about it. Friends I had known for years started distancing themselves from me, and not knowing what else to do, I became a loner. My sophomore through senior years were spent by myself. I never went anywhere on weekends, I never did anything in my free time but read, and even though I was involved in sports and employed in the summer, I still couldn’t relate at all or form any relationships with the people around me.

I think my senior year was when I first started seriously considering suicide. I feel weak admitting this; I’ve had an easy life in the relative sense, with parents that were good people, living in a middle class neighborhood in a quiet town. It seems like everyone’s had it harder than me, which only makes me feel worse about myself. I ended up joining the military, knowing that college would eat me alive. I did well there; though I had only a small circle that I would call acquaintances, I did get out occasionally and I did well at my job. I suppose for those 4 years I was so occupied and busy all the time that I had no time to worry about what was brewing inside of me.

I left the service last fall, opting not to reenlist because I began to feel like I could accomplish so much more as a civilian, and I had forgotten how hard school was on me so college seemed like a good idea with the GI bill. That was about 6 or 7 months ago now. Immediately after coming back home I fell into the most awful depression of my life. The only reason I’d leave the house on most days was to smoke. It suddenly became crystal clear how fucked up I am. For some reason, after 4 years of not thinking about such things, I realized what a failure I am. I was 22, with no friends, never had a girlfriend, a virgin, an utter wreck in any social situations… I couldn’t possibly picture myself as ever being successful in any way. I spent several months like this, until I started school last January. I feel like a ghost in college. I live in the dorms but don’t know the names of anyone but my roommate. I went to the club a few times with some students I know from a few volunteer activities I’ve involved with, and right then I knew that there really is something horribly wrong with me. Here are these kids, barely in their 20’s, successful in their studies, enjoying every minute of life, fucking every night… the truth is, those awkward kids that get good grades in high school don’t go on to be successful… and the popular people aren’t the ones that will struggle later in life, they’re the ones that go on to be happy people with families and houses and high paying jobs.

Sure I’ve made a few attempts to make friends, but it’s almost like people just know that I’m not normal, like I give off some sort of signal. Even the social outcasts think to themselves “god what a creep” when I talk to them. I’m so fucked up it’s unbearable. I wasn’t born with the tools needed to succeed in this life. When I’m done with the school day everyday I drive far out of town into the country and sleep in my car, because I can’t deal with being in the dorms.  How fucked up is that?  There are some classes I can’t go to unless I have 2 heavy swigs of whiskey beforehand.  Oh I guess that’s worth mentioning too, I’ve started drinking very heavily, but not on weekends in public places like normal people, I drink during the day because it’s too difficult for me to deal with life otherwise.  I think I hide it well, I don’t go places trashed, but it’s gotten to the point that I’m too afraid to go out unless I’m a little buzzed.  I’ve never felt such an urge to kill myself, sometimes it’s all I think about all day long, an end to the constant pain. I want to die so badly. I think I’ll go by hanging.

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