In junior high and grade school I had a fantastic group of friends. I knew many people and wasn’t shy at all. My freshman year was when things started to change. In retrospect it doesn’t seem like I changed; it’s like everyone else was changing around me and I was helpless to do anything about it. Friends I had known for years started distancing themselves from me, and not knowing what else to do, I became a loner. My sophomore through senior years were spent by myself. I never went anywhere on weekends, I never did anything in my free time but read, and even though I was involved in sports and employed in the summer, I still couldn’t relate at all or form any relationships with the people around me.
I think my senior year was when I first started seriously considering suicide. I feel weak admitting this; I’ve had an easy life in the relative sense, with parents that were good people, living in a middle class neighborhood in a quiet town. It seems like everyone’s had it harder than me, which only makes me feel worse about myself. I ended up joining the military, knowing that college would eat me alive. I did well there; though I had only a small circle that I would call acquaintances, I did get out occasionally and I did well at my job. I suppose for those 4 years I was so occupied and busy all the time that I had no time to worry about what was brewing inside of me.
I left the service last fall, opting not to reenlist because I began to feel like I could accomplish so much more as a civilian, and I had forgotten how hard school was on me so college seemed like a good idea with the GI bill. That was about 6 or 7 months ago now. Immediately after coming back home I fell into the most awful depression of my life. The only reason I’d leave the house on most days was to smoke. It suddenly became crystal clear how fucked up I am. For some reason, after 4 years of not thinking about such things, I realized what a failure I am. I was 22, with no friends, never had a girlfriend, a virgin, an utter wreck in any social situations… I couldn’t possibly picture myself as ever being successful in any way. I spent several months like this, until I started school last January. I feel like a ghost in college. I live in the dorms but don’t know the names of anyone but my roommate. I went to the club a few times with some students I know from a few volunteer activities I’ve involved with, and right then I knew that there really is something horribly wrong with me. Here are these kids, barely in their 20’s, successful in their studies, enjoying every minute of life, fucking every night… the truth is, those awkward kids that get good grades in high school don’t go on to be successful… and the popular people aren’t the ones that will struggle later in life, they’re the ones that go on to be happy people with families and houses and high paying jobs.
Sure I’ve made a few attempts to make friends, but it’s almost like people just know that I’m not normal, like I give off some sort of signal. Even the social outcasts think to themselves “god what a creep” when I talk to them. I’m so fucked up it’s unbearable. I wasn’t born with the tools needed to succeed in this life. When I’m done with the school day everyday I drive far out of town into the country and sleep in my car, because I can’t deal with being in the dorms. How fucked up is that? There are some classes I can’t go to unless I have 2 heavy swigs of whiskey beforehand. Oh I guess that’s worth mentioning too, I’ve started drinking very heavily, but not on weekends in public places like normal people, I drink during the day because it’s too difficult for me to deal with life otherwise. I think I hide it well, I don’t go places trashed, but it’s gotten to the point that I’m too afraid to go out unless I’m a little buzzed. I’ve never felt such an urge to kill myself, sometimes it’s all I think about all day long, an end to the constant pain. I want to die so badly. I think I’ll go by hanging.
4 comments
well, i am sure that you agree that the source of your troubles lies more in what you are convincing yourself you are than in other objective cause. I was expecting to read you were disabled, with a sever impairment, terminally ill, but it looks like you think everybody around is succesful, bonk every night, etc. Why are you making such an issue of what YOU think others are? just concentrate on your studies, practice sport, put away the booze, and stop complaining. At the age of 22 you can do acrobatics in your life because you have the whole life ahead of you.
I dont know if I miss a point but when i hear stories like this, despite the fact that i believe you are suffering, when i dont see an objetive cause, i would like to drag the person to visit others who are really pissed off without a solution in the hope that they get the message and start thanking themselves for how lucky they are.
Yeah well fuck you too
Sorry, that was uncalled for. The point is I have no human connection in my life. I try nearly every day to change this but it’s like I’m going in a circle. I feel like it’s crushing me mentally to keep exposing myself to rejection, but I do it anyway with the same results. I know how bad other people have it and I agree I have no excuse for my attitude.
If I could change some things I’m sure I’d be happier… but I can’t change things. The truth is that things would probably have to take a stark downward turn to convince me that it really is time to die. I might go on living this life as that guy that everyone’s either wary of or never notices, and god just thinking about that is horrifying to me.
@ Justalvaro
Its not fair of you to say that, judging him like that. Noone chooses this, the depression, the suffering, especially if it is without cause. Dont you think we dont feel crappy enough as it is? knowing that there are people out there who have it way worse than we do, who are probably not even depressed about their situations? Yeah, we are well aware of that, thank you very much for pointing it out. But since when has that stopped the rest of us from feeling the way we do? Last i checked feeling like shit was a undiscriminating feeling, didnt know only “certain” people were entitled to it. Next time im feeling down and under, i’ll make a point to remind myself that im not entitled to it, im sure that will make it all better hey.
P.S im not attacking you or anything like that, im just pointing out that no one put you on here to be the judge of whether our suicidal feelings are justifiable or not, so you might want to take it easy on that front.