Hi, I’m 15.
so, you may ask, what’s a 15 year-old doing on here? When I first made the account, I thought I had reasons. Do I have family problems? Nope, not as far as I can see. School? It’s there, but it’s not making a huge amount of difference. See, the problem here is my mind.
8 months ago, I was diagnosed as having an extreme case of bi-polar. I’ve been known to, in my moments of depression, shut myself in my room for a week. In my moments of hysteria, I nearly killed someone. I’m quite extreme, but I’m more of a danger to myself. I’ve bled out over a dozen times in just these past three months. But then it got worse.
I was recently diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. I see things. I hear voices inside my head, like they’re tapping on my cranium. And this is even with the suppressant drugs. I take a cocktail of 12 pills a day. And yet, I’m allowed in the outside world. I’ve nearly killed someone, and yet I’m allowed near other people. My school consider me to be a ‘normal’ pupil. And yet, all the kids know that I’m ‘weird’ or ‘eccentric’. I’m okay with that. As long as they don’t know the truth…
My only solace in life was, at one time, my girlfriend. Love is perhaps an overly used word. But in this case, it was not exxagerated. She was beautiful, clever, sassy, kind; all the things you can imagine in the perfect person. She was one of the only people to know of my conditions, my fragile state of mind.
I was on holiday when I recieved the call. She’d been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She’d been given ten weeks to live. I got home as quickly as possible. When I got to her, she was told that she could have an operation that would extend her life by a year, if successful. It was risky. she went with the risk, and it didn’t pay off. She ended up on life support, in a coma which she would never wake up from. I cradled her in my arms as they switched the machine off; as she slipped away from me.
That was three months ago now. Every day since then, I have contemplated death, just for the sole reason that I so desperately want to be with her. I have so many pills in the house that it would be easy; maybe not quick, maybe painful, but easy. As it is, I cannot go on. Something has to change, but nothing will ever change.
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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
3 comments
You only have one life. Just try this one thing before you kill yourself – live it. Have you seen the Sun set down on the Pacific Ocean? Have you heard the wind rustling the stalks of corn in the green fields of Missouri? Have you met that pretty girl in Iran that lost her sister to the police and has no idea if she is alive or dead? Maybe you could make your life about helping her – or the millions of other beautiful you women around the world are beset by forces of evil – those that are too weak to stop the whip from slapping across their backs. If you have decided to die, what would you risk in helping others?
Maybe your girlfriend had a spark in her eyes that will show itself to you again in another pair of eyes. What would she want you to do? Would she be happy knowing you ignored them? How many beautiful creatures of God like your late girlfriend are still in that hospital slowly dying… if you OD on pills your organs die with you – any suicide and law says your organs will die with you. Don’t hide from your responsibilities to living – I agree with you that it may be easier, but its only easier for YOU. Maybe, just maybe you can make life easier on someone else. You have strength, courage, energy, love, drive – use it. Let that power save the light from going out in another’s eyes.
To quote an anonymous author, “Those who are lost, can be saved from the pit of their own damnation.” People like you are the ones who save people. I thank you. Just that comment… It helps, even if it’s in the smallest way. Thank you.
I am so sorry about your love. I lost the love of my life in a plane crash when I was 22. He was 24. It ripped my heart out. I am sorry that a part of you died that same day she died.
The best way to honor her though is to keep fighting. Keep trying to get the mental health help you need. If the meds are not working, let them know. They have other meds they are working on and you may be able to get those. Keep reaching out as well. There are other on-line communities who have members with mental health concerns like yours.
Sometimes it is important just to know we are really not alone.