Hi, I’m 15.
so, you may ask, what’s a 15 year-old doing on here? When I first made the account, I thoughtÂ I had reasons. Do I have family problems? Nope, not as far as I can see. School? It’s there, but it’s not making a huge amount of difference. See, the problem here is my mind.
8 months ago, I was diagnosed as having an extreme case of bi-polar. I’ve been known to, in my moments of depression, shut myself in my room for a week. In my moments of hysteria, I nearly killed someone. I’m quite extreme, but I’m more of a danger to myself. I’ve bled out overÂ a dozenÂ times in just these past three months. But then it got worse.
I was recently diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. I see things. I hear voices inside my head, like they’re tapping on my cranium. And this is even with the suppressant drugs. I take a cocktail of 12 pills a day. And yet, I’m allowed in the outside world. I’ve nearly killed someone, and yet I’m allowed near other people. My school consider me to be a ‘normal’ pupil. And yet, all the kids know that I’m ‘weird’ or ‘eccentric’. I’m okay with that. As long as they don’t know the truth…
My only solace in life was, at one time, my girlfriend. Love is perhaps an overly used word. But in this case, it was not exxagerated. She was beautiful, clever, sassy, kind; all the things you can imagine in the perfect person. She was one of the only people to know of my conditions, my fragile state of mind.
I was on holiday when I recieved the call. She’d been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She’d been given ten weeks to live. I got home as quickly as possible. When I got to her, she was told that she could have an operation that would extend her life by a year, if successful. It was risky. she went with the risk, and it didn’t pay off. She ended up on life support, in a coma which she would never wake up from. I cradled her in my arms as they switched the machine off; as she slipped away from me.
That was three months ago now. Every day since then, I have contemplated death, just for the sole reason that I so desperately want to be with her. I have so many pills in the house that it would be easy; maybe not quick, maybe painful, but easy. As it is, I cannot go on. Something has to change, but nothing will ever change.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.