Tired of faking it

I’ve been suicidal ever since I can remember. I have such a bad panic disorder and I’m socially phobic so I can never go anywhere that I’m not a totally nervous wreck. I often wear sunglasses if I go somewhere because that helps. Many times I can’t even go out of the house for days and days. Then I sneak out after midnight and go to the store. I’ve always been this way so at least I’m used to it.  Because of these problems and being germ phobic I have never even had a relationship. I don’t expect to ev er have one. I don’t even ahave any friends because I can’t go anywhre with them wehn somebody does ask me and after a while they just stop asking. I sit at home and cry a lot. I used to be religious but now I just don’t think anything they say could possibly be true. I used to feel like the only person in the world who was utterly alone and suffering until I started going online.  I met some nice people on facebook but you don’t dare talkl about feeling suicidal or everybody freaks out and stops talking to you. I set up a blog on myspace but  you have to keep everyting really shallow or people stop talking to you there, even tho the site is cool and you can meet some really freaky peeps!!!!!  I mean my god!!!! These people are at least interesting. I was on friendster for awhile too but I don’t think mnost people on their speak english  because most of them seem to be philipino and even tho they’re nice you can’t communicate with them so I only have a few dfrineds there. I did find a cool site at mohawks.com but moswt people there only talk to the friends they alraedy have and only 3 people have ever said hello to me so whatever.!!!  miserypit.com is a fun site and they let you talk about being suicidal because most of those people really are depressed too so it’s a cool place to spend the night when I can’t sleep and I need someone to talk to. Most people are asleep in the wee hours so you can feel so utterly alone and in dispair if you’re up all night like i am. I don’t imagine this will ever change and I spend a lot of time feelig sorry for myself and wishing i were dead.  I mean, who wants to live like this and panic attacks are so incredibly horrible i cant even explain it but if you have them then you know how awful it is… well, thanks for listening you guys@!!!!!