My life hasn’t ever been easy, but nor has anyones really. When I was really young, my drug addicted mother attempted to sell me for heroine. My Great Grandmother found me and then took to raising me untill she died when I was eleven. She was the closest thing to a mother I’ve ever had and at the time I took to self destructive behavour. I moved in with my father, who I never really had a connection with and didn’t trust. It just got worse. He also used to abuse me, and that didn’t help my own mental health at all.
Eventually, he stopped when I turned 14 and my cutting myself reduced. Other forms of sucidal behavour also stopped.
I then met a guy who I automatically fell for. I’ve always been very stoic and never have been interested in anyone. I’ve dated before, but I never really had a connection or adored the person like I did him.
We’ve chatted and became close over the last nine months and the other day, I told him that I liked him more than just friends. We have a bit of an age differnce, but not too much.
He told me he didn’t want things to change, or anything like that and still wanted to hangout. He didn’t tell me that he felt the same. He just told me it was okay and I shouldn’t feel bad.
I’m confused on that. He’s always allowed me into his bubble, more than anyone. Hes even told me that. Its got me confused and all.
I know I’m emotional and I know its very foolish to do anything because of a crush, but I put soo much energy in imagining and wishing and planning that I expected something more than what happened. I know. Foolish.
Its just alot of my time was devoted to him and now I can’t even look at myself without feeling dirty or stained.
This isn’t directly because of him, or attention from my parents or anything like that. I just don’t know if I can take the stress and emotional pain from this.
I’m becoming a weak and horrible person and I can’t stand it.
I don’t know if I can live with myself.
I used to be afraid of dying, but I lost that a while ago.
I just want some suggestions.
I don’t care on what.
I just don’t want any of that ‘talk to someone’ crap, I can’t do that with this situation. I don’t like being vulnerable at all and this situation shows how foolish I’ve been. So, really, that can’t happen.
Or if you have some suggestions on a way I can go painlessly and (if possible) with a dream-like state, I’d like to know.