My life hasn’t ever been easy, but nor has anyones really. When I was really young, my drug addicted mother attempted to sell me for heroine. My Great Grandmother found me and then took to raising me untill she died when I was eleven. She was the closest thing to a mother I’ve ever had and at the time I took to self destructive behavour. I moved in with my father, who I never really had a connection with and didn’t trust. It just got worse. He also used to abuse me, and that didn’t help my own mental health at all.
Eventually, he stopped when I turned 14 and my cutting myself reduced. Other forms of sucidal behavour also stopped.
I then met a guy who I automatically fell for. I’ve always been very stoic and never have been interested in anyone. I’ve dated before, but I never really had a connection or adored the person like I did him.
We’ve chatted and became close over the last nine months and the other day, I told him that I liked him more than just friends. We have a bit of an age differnce, but not too much.
He told me he didn’t want things to change, or anything like that and still wanted to hangout. He didn’t tell me that he felt the same. He just told me it was okay and I shouldn’t feel bad.
I’m confused on that. He’s always allowed me into his bubble, more than anyone. Hes even told me that. Its got me confused and all.
I know I’m emotional and I know its very foolish to do anything because of a crush, but I put soo much energy in imagining and wishing and planning that I expected something more than what happened. I know. Foolish.
Its just alot of my time was devoted to him and now I can’t even look at myself without feeling dirty or stained.
This isn’t directly because of him, or attention from my parents or anything like that. I just don’t know if I can take the stress and emotional pain from this.
I’m becoming a weak and horrible person and I can’t stand it.
I don’t know if I can live with myself.
-Sigh-
I used to be afraid of dying, but I lost that a while ago.
I just want some suggestions.
I don’t care on what.
I just don’t want any of that ‘talk to someone’ crap, I can’t do that with this situation. I don’t like being vulnerable at all and this situation shows how foolish I’ve been. So, really, that can’t happen.
Or if you have some suggestions on a way I can go painlessly and (if possible) with a dream-like state, I’d like to know.
3 comments
“He told me he didn’t want things to change, or anything like that and still wanted to hangout. He didn’t tell me that he felt the same. He just told me it was okay and I shouldn’t feel bad.
I’m confused on that. He’s always allowed me into his bubble, more than anyone. Hes even told me that. Its got me confused and all. ”
I could have written that.
I was in love for a guy and I told him that I was in love with him.
He gave me a kiss in the forehead and asked me ” This won’t change anything, right?”
I said “No.”
It was a friday. Monday morning I couldn’t look at him. I felt so ashamed, so humiliated… like if I have told him my deepest secret.
I felt so damn fragile, so vulnerable.I hate feeling vulnerable.
I thought me saying that could change something, because we were good friends, we were always talking with each other, I always supported him… but I understood that he doesn’t like me like I like him.
I don’t know what should I tell you.
It sucks feeling vulnerable isn’t? It sucks not having the control. It sucks having feelings.
I’d love to be mechanical, not having feelings. It would be much better.
You know, try to live a day at a time… and keep hang out with him, who knows what could happen…
You’ve been through so much… don’t give up now.
(I’m sorry if the comment didn’t help)
rhage,
blowing bubbles of dreams are supposed to be beautiful.
Do you know that many men dream of girls as angels ? Then dream of raising kids and holding hand in hand to old age ?
The day he kneeled for his love and began his family life, until one day he saw the angel picking nose in front of him, or leaned her buttock sideway and fart, and that’s enough to break his bubble.
He would begin treating this no more angel as a man, and the woman reacted to the affection of no more tender of an angel should have deserved, and acted as fiercely as a man too, and the fight began and soon ended the fairy tale.
The story of mine when I was 14, and the girl was 13. She was sweet, and gentle, everything I saw was her femininity that I preferred. Once we went to a house-camp with many friends. She came over from the girl-camp and asked me for a porcelain cup she didn’t bring for hot drinks. I gave her my only one and I even then washed it completely before handing to her. And I settled myself with a plastic cup where I could find.
Next morning after waking up, I opened the front door preparing to get freshen up, I saw my cup there laying beside the front door crowded with a lot of ants. What’s that big brown sticky stain inside it ? Oh, it’s just a dirty cup with honey stain. How come ? So I just left it there, and until she was awoke, I led her to see her master’s piece. She was very annoyed
standing there and said what’s a big deal, just washed it and could be cleaned.
I was very upset at hearing that. I replied, “OK, just letting you know I didn’t expect that”. And I immediately cleaned it myself. After that I ended that puppy-love relationship, and that started my search of a complete different type, but the destined-to-fail type, klutz.
Now, of course, I know. Not even there are techniques of communication, there are also lifestyles and thinking differences of each individual. Not to say the huge difference of a man and a woman one another should understand.
One also has to forget the tiny defects or weakness of each individual, before you can get into a bigger picture.
It’s an art, and I’m still learning.
Sometimes, a dessert one likes to put some salt in it. What the heck, it should be served sweet, you might think.
Well, just try it, see his point. If you finally can’t accept that, then it’s just not your dish.
I don’t know how much advice you desire, I skimmed the responces posted before mine and they seem pretty deep. I can only give you a suggestion based on my experience. Over a period of time I realized that everyone I ever cared about doesn’t care about me the way I care about them. I used to be this cuddly person with oceans of love but I realized that other people were just sucking up my own happyness to feed their own happyness, I was basically a tool, not to say that ALL relationships are like this.
So my adivce is to take back all the ‘romantic’ energy you gave to that guy friend, yet leave the energy of the friendship. Differentiate the two energies: the romantic-love energy and the friendship-love energy. The friendship can still be just as important if you channel the “romantic-love engery” into “friendship energy”. You will be even happier with the friendship with him, and never worry about a romance. Romances are not nessassary to a happy life, nessassarily, don’t feel like you HAVE to fall in love with someone because that’s what happens in all the movies. Love people in a different way.