I’m spending the whole day with Alyson.
She gave me the biggest scare I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life last night when I was at her house, and I knew I needed to spend more time with her then, I can’t leave her alone for a minute, I’m too scared. I don’t want her to leave me at all, but I don’t want her to leave me when I’m not there to hold her hand.
I was sitting talking with her like I always do, laughing about something that happened at school this week, when all of sudden she started acting like she was choking, and her heart monitor began to beep really loudly.
“Aly, what’s wrong?” I stood over her, I didn’t know what to do.
Her face was turning a blue and she was clutching at my shirt, her eyes were wide and dilated.
“Mrs. Sawyer!!!” I screeched, my hands were shaking and I felt like I couldnt talk.
Alyson’s mother ran into the room, grabbing some sort of mask and pressing it over Aly’s mother.
“Just breathe Honey, mommy’s here”, her mother stroked her hair.
I just stood back in shock, watching Aly’s chest go in and out, she was breathing normal again.
Mrs. Sawyer cleared her throat, “All better then”, she smiled at me, leaving the room.
The mask was still on, and Aly was looking over at me with shame in her eyes.
I took the mask off, letting Aly let out a long breath.
“I’m sorry about that, Violet”, she said.
I gritted my teeth, “It’s fine, just never do it again”.
Aly laughed softly, “Ok”.
“Is it scary, Aly?” I sat down beside her.
“Is what scary?”
I just looked at her.
She sighed, “it used to be. Now its just like waiting for the one time when ur going to stop breathing altogether.”
I caught my breath, “Can I ask you something?”
She shrugged, “Of course”.
“When the doctor told you about the option to self terminate, did you think about it?”
“You mean when he told me i was terminal?” she looked over at me with concern etched in her eyebrows.
I nodded.
Aly turned her head toward the window, “Do we have to talk about this right now, Vi?”
“Answer the question Alyson Jane”.
Aly sighed, “Look, there are times in life when you are going to want to give up, but you know you can’t. If there is a chance at all that you can stand up aand fight, then you take it, you don’t lie back and do nothing”, Aly’s face got very angry and she gritted her teeth like a rabid dog.
“You mean like your doing now?” I mumbled.
Aly sighed, her little chest heaving, “Violet, it’s been five years since I was diagnosed with cancer. Five years spent not knowing if I was going to make it through the night, if I was going to have another birthday, if I was going to be able to breath by myself the next day. Now I know what’s going to happen, no more guessing, no more wondering, no more fearing. Wouldn’t you give anything to know that all your pain was going to stop?” Aly’s eyes filled with tears.
“I could stop it myself if i wanted too, Aly. I could end it all by myself, just like you said. No more guessing, no more wondering, no more fearing. I am so damn tired of hopign things are going to get better for me, I would rather know my mind is made up that I am going to get myself out of this god-awful place then spend years in turmoil waiting for a bus to run me over or a car to run me off a cliff”.
Aly rolled her eyes, chuckling, “You know the chances of either of those things is like one in a ten thousand?”
“You know the chances of getting cancer are like one in a million?”
Aly’s smile dropped, “If you’re going to be so cynical you can leave, Violet”, she said, crossing her arms.
I groaned, “Look, I’m just trying to cope with all of this ok, on top of everything else going on in my life now i have to deal with my best friend dying? It’s not fair, Alyson!”
Alyson sat up in bed, something she never does, “Life’s not fair, Violet! All you ever do is whine about how your life is so miserable. I’m so depressed right now, Alyson, why doesn’t God love me, Alyson?! Give it a rest, alright? Don’t you dare for one second think that you have it worse then i do! You have no idea what it’s like to have to lie in this bed every waking moment and think “I’m going to die soon”. You could have everything you ever wanted, but you choose to soak in your own self pity? Do yourself a favor Violet, grow up!”
I sat down, speechless. SHE IS SO RIGHT.
Why the hell am I depressed? I’m a great person, my life doesn’t suck, what’s the matter with me?
“I’m sorry, Alyson”, I whisper.
Alyson closes her eyes, “It’s fine, Violet, I’m going to get some rest now, I’ll see you tomorrow”, Alyson turned over, laying her head down on her pillow.
I nod, standing up. I’m about to head out the door when Alyson speaks again.
“Oh hey, by the way, If I’m not here tomorrow, would you mind doing something for me?” she asks, figeting a little.
“Anything for you, Al”, I try to smile.
Alyson smiles back, “Be my parents new daughter”.
I laugh, “Sorry Al, I could never replace you”.
“Well, would you at least try?” she asks me, a serious look on her little face.
I bit my lower lip, “Ok Alyson, I’ll try”.
She nods, “Thank you Violet, I love you”. She settles into bed.
I turn out the light as I leave, “Love you too, Kiddo”.
20 comments
Sigh….well written as usual and thank you for more Alyson material. Alas, that great secret that I hoped this sick little girl would reveal to you, and you to us, I don’t think its coming. I’m laying here wide awake as usual, hating everything and everyone, and trying to put myself in your seat when Alyson started yelling at you. Yeah life’s not fair it is never going to be, and I don’t pretend to think I have it worse than anyone because frankly I don’t give a fuck.
Again you’re a way better person than me dude. I would have walked outta that room said “Whatever,” and gone and gotten high like I always do.
Ugggghhhhhh, I’m the worst. In fact my grimy ass would prolly be trying to take a dying child’s pain meds. You know like 8 years ago I forced my dude to raid his mom’s medicine cabinet for opiates, DESPITE THE FACT SHE HAD DIED LIKE 3 DAYS PRIOR. I watched a very close friend turn blue, vomit on himself, bleed out of his ears, seize, and die in my arms. I’ve gotten shot at and I’ve shot both back and at. I’ve stole tens of thousands of dollars in all sorts of grimy ways from my family and friends. I’ve overdosed three times only to wake up hours later on my bathroom floor in a pool of vomit and tears. I’ve had my door kicked in and a gun put into my mouth. I’ve lost all hope and faith in myself, this country, and humanity as a whole. I’ve sat alone in the dark, chambering my pistol, putting it to my head, crying, and then unchambering it and setting it back down in my lap. When I tell people about these things they say no wonder your unhappy look at these things you do, these situations you get put into, don’t you see the problem? And I say “whatever†and stomp off to the nearest bathroom to get high.
I guess the one thing I really like about your post is Alyson talking about waiting to die, knowing its coming and eminent. Its like once she got diagnose she knew she was never coming back, she was practically dead right then. I can’t remember when I lost myself, when I realized that there is no turning back because for me, just like Alyson, there isn’t. I will never be happy or normal, not after the shit I’ve seen and done. Not after selling my soul to the devil for a hit and then snickering about it afterwards for what a sucker he was to make the deal.
I dunno, sorry yo. I really only post to help people and when I’m feeling like I am now I just keep my hands off the keyboard. Its just I was feeling pretty good the other day when you did “Heaven Can Wait,†and what Alyson might have for me but now I feel like my same dirty worthless self. Fuck.
Way to stick by your friend and alleviate some of the pain she feels leaving her parents without a daughter. I’m saying you should feel good about all that, saying you would do that for her. That’s a hell of a statement and a gift to a poor young dying girl.
I want to say something about this but can’t think of anything and I don’t feel I should. Tell Alyson greetings from Australia, if you want.
Yeah I’d keep your mouth shut or you might wind up the idiot on here whining about their shitty life on a post about a kid dying from cancer, like me…
What kind of secret is Alyson supposed to have _?? U know, I talk to Alyson about all of you guys. I tell her how everyone on here needs help, they need her strength. She tells me she doesnt have any anymore, but thats not true, she has more then anyone else in this world does, shes like a superhero even. If u think she has the secrets to the universe? well, she just might. I swear to god if she dies, her last words will still be positive ones. I dont know what u want her to tell u about life, but if u would let me know im sure i can ask her about it and she can provide some sort of insight
I’m sorry about Alyson, that really sucks to have a terminal disease… but if you want, tell her this—- even though she will die, everyone else will too. And many will also have terminal diseases–ones that take away a persons ability to walk, to talk, or to even move. She has it bad, but that doesn’t mean that she has to be scared in any way, which she probably is. What happens, happens. If she dies tomorrow, she’ll at least have had yesterday, and have been able to see people she cares about.
Even though I’ve only read about her here, she is really amazing. If you want, tell her that I said thanks, because when I’ve read things she said, written by you, I have a little bit more strength to live.
I’m grateful to both of you.
Tell her I said hi, from Florida.
I dont know if shes scared, if she is she wont admit it, that stubborn little brat 🙂 haha lol! She is a very strong person. Even tho shes young, she knows well enough not to look forard to tomorrow, because they’re might not be one for her. She never wines or complains, she only tells me her time is up and that its for the best. She is well aware that everyone will die someday, she doesnt want me to die anytime soon, and she knows shes going too someday soon and thats not something she can change.
I dont want her to go tho. I cant be strong like that when I see how weak she is, how helpless she feels. I love her more then anything, shes all I have really, and if she goes, i dont know what Ill do.\
I keep praying God wont take her, even tho I dont know if I really believe in God. But if there is a chance, even the slightest at all that hes real, i want him to know how much that little girl means to me. Someday she’ll be his forever, but right now I need her more then he does, and Im begging him to let her stay with me.
Right now I’m begging him for both you and Alyson. I’m
not lying when I say I almost feel closer to you than my closest “friend”. (the only one who knows a little about how I actually am)
I am glad that my writing can make someone feel so connected to me. Its hard for me to talk with others about my issues, but when i feel I can with someone it makes me feel like so much more of a real person then I would otherwise. I love this sight, here I do actually feel like I can say exactly what i feel, be who I really am, and ultimately become a stronger person 🙂
Thank you for all your support evergone, I have been talking with Aly about you in particular, and she agrees that you are a very good person, and more worthwhile then she thinks even you believe
Thank you but I can’t say I fully agree that I’m a good person. And what does she think I believe? I know what you mean when you say it hard for you to talk about your issues, because I have to same problem. I just don’t know what to say. This site is very helpful and I do like it but I’m still hesitant and truthfully even somwhat afraid to write a post because I don’t know what to say and usually end up writing/saying the wrong thing. I’m not sure if I want this to be real. Tell aly that I hope she stays positive and happy until the end like you think she will.
Oh I just reread that believing part and now I get it. Sorry.
Well she just thinks that you dont believe your worthwhile, dont worry she aays that about me all the time too. She just thinks people on here think that they’re not worth anything at all, that we on here all just feel like we’re nothing. I know shes right, I know that I think that Im worthless and im never gonna amount to anything, but i also know that Im wrong. I know I could amount to something if I really tried, but the truth is I dont know if I want too. Its complicated and im not sure how to deal with it, but thats just the truth.
She is right I don’t believe I am worthwhile. I hate myself. Thers no sure fire way to explain ths hatred but it’s been there for a long time. In my opinion I AM worthless. I AM stupid. And I AM not worth anyones time. I’m
just a girl who’s full of hate, pain, sadness, and whatever the he’ll else it is that makes me slit my skin. It also is true that we could all amount to greatness. But even I know tht greatness is on the brink of death somtimes. We all can get there and be great but there are so many of us who can’t get there and survive an stil be alive on the inside. To get there and still be us. And who ever said that greatness would solve suicidalness??? (and I know that’s not what aly ment, I’m just saying)
I dont think she means that greatness solves being suicidal, she means that all of us could live happy lives if we wanted too, but some of us just dont want too, because as I have made clear its easier to be unhappy, you dont have to expect anything of yourself that way, so you cant be let down.
That is very true. I’ve let myself down so much an so frequently I’ve stopped trying. Disapointment is a strong feeling. If you mix it in with some o the other emotions that plague me and Many others, you get one he’ll of a nasty concoction (pardon my spelling)
This is so true!! U do get one hell of a nasty concoction, and it sucks, because we just have to swig it down like its water and take it like warriors. We cant just not be depressed, this is a fact that Alyson is aware of, but she’s also aware of the fact that we are not helpless, we knew we could get help if we really wanted to get better, but the truth is some of us dont. Im glad I dont see a counselor or something like that anymore, to be honest, spending time with Alyson is the best therapy I’ve ever gotten.
I’ve never gotten help or anything. Does a therapist or psychologist help at all? How is ally doing? Still staying strong?
Well Ive been thinking about it and I’ve realized that counselor of therapist doesn’t really help for mainly to reaons. A) they have no idea what your going through because they don’t let people who’ve been depressed be professional psychologists. B) Lots of us on here are still teenagers and no therapist is a teen so they couldn’t possibly understand the stress put on us these days! Honestly, the only thing that truly works is putting a bunch of depressed teens in one room together and having them talk it out. Trust me, ive done it! It helps so much, Ive really learned to trust people that way, its so much easier to open up to ppl who share my feelings and dont think im crazy or have issues.
I really want to try that.
I mean, if a bunch of us on here were all put in the same room for a whole day, i can guarantee you that by the end of the day we would all be feeling so much better, more understood and like ourselves again, because the power of other people who get us is just that strong. I believe that if we all just sat down together and talked with each other and were just there for one another, then we would be tons better then we were before, because for the first time we felt like we belonged somewhere.
I can talk with friends about things but never therapists. I just act like everything is fine and i get out of there in an hour with the verdict “sane”.
They act like they know us. They act like we are friends but they don’t even know me. “I only met you 10 minutes ago and you expect me to open up?” Fuck therapists. They just leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth and old scars reopened.