I’m spending the whole day with Alyson.
She gave me the biggest scare I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life last night when I was at her house, and I knew I needed to spend more time with her then, I can’t leave her alone for a minute, I’m too scared. I don’t want her to leave me at all, but I don’t want her to leave meÂ when I’m not there to hold her hand.
I was sitting talking with her like I always do, laughing about something that happened at school this week, when all of sudden she started acting like she was choking, and her heart monitor began to beep really loudly.
“Aly, what’s wrong?” I stood over her, I didn’t know what to do.
Her face was turning a blue and she was clutching at my shirt, her eyes were wide and dilated.
“Mrs. Sawyer!!!” I screeched, my hands were shaking and I felt like I couldnt talk.
Alyson’s mother ran into the room, grabbing some sort of mask and pressing it over Aly’s mother.
“Just breathe Honey, mommy’s here”, her mother stroked her hair.
I just stood back in shock, watching Aly’s chest go in and out, she was breathing normal again.
Mrs. Sawyer cleared her throat, “All better then”, she smiled at me, leaving the room.
The mask was still on, and Aly was looking over at me with shame in her eyes.
I took the mask off, letting Aly let out a long breath.
“I’m sorry about that, Violet”, she said.
I gritted my teeth, “It’s fine, just never do it again”.
Aly laughed softly, “Ok”.
“Is it scary, Aly?” I sat down beside her.
“Is what scary?”
I just looked at her.
She sighed, “it used to be. Now its just like waiting for the one time when ur going to stop breathing altogether.”
I caught my breath, “Can I ask you something?”
She shrugged, “Of course”.
“When the doctor told you about the option to self terminate, did you think about it?”
“You mean when he told me i was terminal?” she looked over at me with concern etched in her eyebrows.
Aly turned her head toward the window, “Do we have to talk about this right now, Vi?”
“Answer the question Alyson Jane”.
Aly sighed, “Look, there are times in life when you are going to want to give up, but you know you can’t. If there is a chance at all that you can stand up aand fight, then you take it, you don’t lie back and do nothing”, Aly’s face got very angry and she gritted her teeth like a rabid dog.
“You mean like your doing now?” I mumbled.
Aly sighed, her little chest heaving, “Violet, it’s been five years since I was diagnosed with cancer. Five years spent not knowing if I was going to make it through the night, if I was going to have another birthday, if I was going to be able to breath by myself the next day. Now I know what’s going to happen,Â no more guessing, no more wondering, no more fearing. Wouldn’t you give anything to know that all your pain was going to stop?” Aly’s eyes filled with tears.
“I could stop it myself if i wanted too, Aly. I could end it all by myself, just like you said. No more guessing, no more wondering,Â no more fearing. I am so damn tired of hopign things are going to get better for me, I would rather know my mind is made upÂ that I am going to get myself out of thisÂ god-awfulÂ place then spendÂ years in turmoil waiting for a bus to run me overÂ or a car to run me off a cliff”.
AlyÂ rolled her eyes, chuckling, “You know the chances ofÂ either of those things is like one in a ten thousand?”
“You know the chancesÂ of getting cancer are like one in a million?”
Aly’s smile dropped, “If you’re going to be so cynical you can leave, Violet”, she said, crossing her arms.
I groaned, “Look, I’m just trying to cope with all of this ok, on top of everything else going on in my life now i have to deal with my best friend dying? It’s not fair, Alyson!”
Alyson sat up in bed, something she never does, “Life’s not fair, Violet! All you ever do is whine about how your life is so miserable. I’m so depressed right now, Alyson, whyÂ doesn’t God love me, Alyson?! Give it a rest, alright? Don’t you dare for one second think that you have it worse then i do! You have no idea what it’s like to have to lie in this bed every waking moment and think “I’m going to die soon”. You could have everything you ever wanted, but you choose to soak in your own self pity? Do yourself a favor Violet, grow up!”
I sat down, speechless. SHE IS SO RIGHT.
Why the hell amÂ I depressed? I’m a great person, my life doesn’t suck, what’s the matter with me?
“I’m sorry, Alyson”, I whisper.
Alyson closes her eyes, “It’s fine, Violet, I’m going to get some rest now, I’ll see you tomorrow”, Alyson turned over, laying her head down on her pillow.
I nod, standing up. I’m about to head out the door when Alyson speaks again.
“Oh hey, by the way, If I’m not here tomorrow, would you mind doing something for me?” she asks, figeting a little.
“Anything for you, Al”, I try to smile.
Alyson smiles back, “Be my parents new daughter”.
I laugh, “Sorry Al, I could never replace you”.
“Well, would you at least try?” she asks me, a serious look on her little face.
I bit my lower lip, “Ok Alyson, I’ll try”.
She nods, “Thank you Violet, I love you”. She settles into bed.
I turn out the light as I leave, “Love you too, Kiddo”.