I’m 50 and have suffered with an incurable kidney disease since I was 16, I also have osteo arthritis in a hip. I have faced six open surgerys, I have to take nearly 100 tablets a day and drink 6-8litres of fluid a day.
For the last 5 or more years I have been suffering with severe depression as well, I tried to take my life once but couldn’t do that right, they just locked me up for a month….. I get so much pain that it makes me feel sick and the sweat runs down my back, I have to have carers in three times a day to do the simplest things for me. It feels like my testicles are in a vice then when you think the pain can’t get any worse, it does. It’s so hard for me to stand and walking is just a nightmare.
I have no idea how to cope with things and if I try to discuss things with anyone, I just fall apart. I take tramadol, oxynorm, buscopan, temgesics and others including anti depressants that most times don’t feel like they’re doing anything except make me sleepy or high…. I just wish that He would come and take me to stop me suffering. I’m scared to try again in case I fail and find I’m stuck in a shell that I have no control over….. I know it’s wrong to think like this but things seem to go from bad to worse, panic attacks on top of everything else push me closer and closer to the edge
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I know someone in a similar posistion to you. He struggles to walk, and when he does his hips hurt, he shakes and can’t stop sweating. After standing for a while, he can no longer talk to me and has to go to the toilet to throw up. Then I won’t see him again for a couple of days while he has to lie in bed and get over the period of time it took him to walk. I also know that on at least two separate occassions, he has tried to take his own life by driving into a wall, and the second time, overdosing. But he is still alive… and he comes in to see me at work, which is where I first started tallking to him. He never gets better, and needs to take an increasing amount of tablets to allow him to leave the house. I don’t believe he has to undergo any operations anymore, however, as the doctors aren’t quite sure what else to do besides medicate him.
So I can’t say that his situation is exactly comparable to yours… and also, I am wholly unable to answer any of the questions you raised because I can’t put myself in your awful situation, and also my own beliefs about suicide do cloud my judgement. I wouldn’t want to tell you anything which wouldn’t help, because you sound like a very intelligent person and I do not want to waste your time when it is real help that you need, from people who aren’t like me- depressed over nothing, in comparison to what you have to go through every day. I’m just so sorry.
I just wanted to use the example of my friend to show you that you’re not alone. And I realise this probably won’t help, but I read your story and was at a loss of what else to offer. I just hope that you can find the relief that you’re looking for sooner, rather than later.
I’m sorry to sound ignorant, but all those pills, can that really be good? Isn’t there another way? I mean, with that many chemicals in your body, plus your terrible predicament, who wouldn’t get depressed?
I’m not really one for alternative treatments, but what other options are there?
I wish you all the luck in the world getting better somehow, your way.
Take care 🙂
-Daniel
I’m sure if there was another option, the original poster would have opted for it before now.
But I agree, a large degree of medication probably isn’t a good thing. The side-effects of the meds I take are usually quite horrendous and my doctor actually told me once that he felt like he was experimenting drugs on me because he wasn’t sure what to do.
But these guys are the ‘experts’ and you’re meant to trust them. I don’t really know what else to try, and I’m sure payback doesn’t know either. Because really, is there anything else? And perhaps happiness does only exist if it is medicated.
I know two guys who are war veterans, they were badly injured about more than 20 years ago when they were on the flower of their youth. one of them has lost one of his legs and the other has two almost fully paralyzed legs. It’s a lifetime that they have been walking on crutches. Both of these guys are now married and both of them have kids. No doubt I can’t understand the hardship they have to go through everyday to do very normal and daily things. What makes me feel embarrassed of myself is that these guys are much much more hopeful than me. One of them has a very nice sense of humer and kids everyone at work! and you can’t imagine how much the women enjoy spending their time with him. I don’t know what has kept these guys so hopeful and lively over all these years but another thing which they have in common is that both of them are devout religious persons. I’m not a religious person myself and am not gonna lecture you my friend but maybe having a strong faith in god can help you tolerate these pains a little more easily.
I do doubt that payback could have tried all other options. I believe muspelhem and tired_wanderer make excellent points. And if your not religious, you can still be spiritual. I have found both to be mind and life savers for me. Have you ever tried acupuncture?
Please keep your heart and mind open and see what may open up for you.
I wish you the very best and hope we hear from you!
Peace & Love