The hardest thing i’ve had to do is tell my best friend the truth.. he’s so dead on and the look on his face told me i was hurting him by not telling him.. how do you lie to the person you love the most? but that’s what they tell you, to talk about whats going on, they never say it could ruin your life
he looked at me with his deep blue eyes and pulled me into a hug “you know i love you right?” now i was crying, not from the pain in my arm but from the fact i knew he was telling me the truth.. “yeah i know”
“then tell me what’s going on”
if i lied he’d know, and it would hurt him.. if i told him the truth i could lose him.. “just a bad day”
“just a bad day? what made it a bad day?”
“stop it, okay just stop, i thought we could tell each other anything, guess i was wrong, if you wanna talk you have my number”
i couldn’t let him walk away
“i can’t live in this world anymore.. you ring me and you want me to sort out your problems and then your back with amy and everythings alright for you.. but not for me..the guy i love more than anything picked my best friend over me but still wants me there for him.. then there’s you and your taking drugs and i’m scared i’m never going to see you again and then dylan wants to stay friends with youÂ so much he’s taking drugs and i know i’m going to lose him.. then my mum just couldnt care, sending meÂ to someone else toÂ deal withÂ my problems, “you need help” well sometimes i just need someone there for me and i always thought that person was you..Â don’t you see how hard it is for me seeing you stoned out of your mind? knowing as soon as this wears off you’ll get another fix..”
“i never knew you liked me”
“yes you did josh! every moment i was with you i made it obvious! i was stupid enough to think you liked me to”
“i do just not like that, i love you as a friend, my best friend. i wanna help, i can’t lose you”
“i’m done pretending.. “
i showed him my arm. decorated with red slashes from my wrist to my elbow. deep enough to let the pain distract me from knowing i was falling apart and no one was there to catch me..
his look told me everything.. my best friend was gone..
he asks now and again how i am.. once and a while he hugs me, tells me he loves me, he can’t live without me.. now it just feels like words.. his words used to mean something.. not now.
i was told talking helps.. i wouldn’t feel so alone.. i feel more alone than ever.. josh was my light in the darkness i woke up to every morning.. now the light is so small i can barely see it..