The hardest thing i’ve had to do is tell my best friend the truth.. he’s so dead on and the look on his face told me i was hurting him by not telling him.. how do you lie to the person you love the most? but that’s what they tell you, to talk about whats going on, they never say it could ruin your life
he looked at me with his deep blue eyes and pulled me into a hug “you know i love you right?” now i was crying, not from the pain in my arm but from the fact i knew he was telling me the truth.. “yeah i know”
“then tell me what’s going on”
if i lied he’d know, and it would hurt him.. if i told him the truth i could lose him.. “just a bad day”
“just a bad day? what made it a bad day?”
“just stuff”
“stop it, okay just stop, i thought we could tell each other anything, guess i was wrong, if you wanna talk you have my number”
i couldn’t let him walk away
“i can’t live in this world anymore.. you ring me and you want me to sort out your problems and then your back with amy and everythings alright for you.. but not for me..the guy i love more than anything picked my best friend over me but still wants me there for him.. then there’s you and your taking drugs and i’m scared i’m never going to see you again and then dylan wants to stay friends with you so much he’s taking drugs and i know i’m going to lose him.. then my mum just couldnt care, sending me to someone else to deal with my problems, “you need help” well sometimes i just need someone there for me and i always thought that person was you.. don’t you see how hard it is for me seeing you stoned out of your mind? knowing as soon as this wears off you’ll get another fix..”
“i never knew you liked me”
“yes you did josh! every moment i was with you i made it obvious! i was stupid enough to think you liked me to”
“i do just not like that, i love you as a friend, my best friend. i wanna help, i can’t lose you”
“i’m done pretending.. “
i showed him my arm. decorated with red slashes from my wrist to my elbow. deep enough to let the pain distract me from knowing i was falling apart and no one was there to catch me..
his look told me everything.. my best friend was gone..
he asks now and again how i am.. once and a while he hugs me, tells me he loves me, he can’t live without me.. now it just feels like words.. his words used to mean something.. not now.
i was told talking helps.. i wouldn’t feel so alone.. i feel more alone than ever.. josh was my light in the darkness i woke up to every morning.. now the light is so small i can barely see it..
5 comments
I just “lost” my best friend, i told him i was going to kill myself, he called the cops so to say and told me to get professional help. I love him more than anything and he has always been there for me. But now he has to move on with his life and leave me behind theres no more time to attempt to solve my problems anymore. I tell myself over and over that im not “in love” with him but deep down i know its a lie. But he has a fiance now. And i finally drove him to walk away from me. so i know how you feel, and i know its my fault i should have treated him better. but now im alone and 98% of me wants to kill myself every second of every day. but that 2% wants him to come back and thinks he will. So no you are not alone but i know that doesnt make it any better. Life sucks, it sucks to love someone, it sucks when the one person you love leaves.
Yes, normally talking does help. But sometimes you talk to the wrong person in the wrong way. Even so, the past is the past. You’ll never feel better if you dwell on it. Yes, he meant so much to you–and probably still does, even if his words sound empty. I found that one of the best way to get over that kind of thing is to go up to him, get him alone, and tell him why you’re hurting, and if needs be, to just stop saying those things if he doesn’t mean them. (Only if needs be.) If he truly cares, then he’ll try to make things better between you–which only works if you BOTH try. Give it a shot–you’ll never know if it’ll work until you try.
thanx for that…
jnicoli
it’s not your fault he walked away, he should’ve seen you needed him more than anything.. it takes a while to get over it but try only thinking of him as a friend,, knowing josh is happy helped me… sometimes you have to think if they came back would they truly be happy?
sometimes loving someone means being strong enough to let them go.. i know i’ve no right to say that but i’m working on it.. may be one day i’ll get it right…. and so will you
loreildarksky
talking to him is how i lost him, but i’m open to ideas so i’ll give it a go.. if it means getting back the friendship we used to have i’ll give it a go.. it worked for you right?
It sucks to hear your story, and I’m really sorry. Life just sucks overall.
I have NEVER told any of my friends about my self-harming. My boyfriend knows, and my best friend (I also assume my housemates) have seen the scars on my arm, but it never gets mentioned and I’m happy with it that way.
I once had a funny story to tell my best friend that included the line, ‘She maims herself’ which had been directed at me from an unknowing source… but I started telling him with, ‘I’m going to say something, and then I don’t want to talk about it’. And so I told him the story, and then we laughed, and then he never said a word about it.
So he knows. I guess several people that I know, know too. And it is either a blessing that they accept it enough to not mention it, or it is too much of a taboo conversation. Either way, I am happy with the silence because the cuts aren’t a cry for help from anyone else, they’re there to remind me that life can be imperfect. And that helps ME.
I’m a cutter… at this time, I’m not picking, or pulling out my hair. But I slipped with the razor the other week, I needed stitches, but I didn’t get them. The cut/scar keeps reopening, it’s an awful reminder. Because that day I did it to keep from hurting somebody else. This fucking dumbass who calls himself my boyfriend kept pushing me,verbally abusing me, I told him to get away from me, one of my exes whom I’m still friends with was there, saw me run in the bathroom, he was trying to calm the situation down, then when he opened the bathroom door he saw the blood everywhere, and I was still bleeding. They both tried to help, tried to get me to go to the hospital…. the dumbass left.. My ex still being there with me was trying to console me, but he said something that I didn’t agree with or like, he said he knew why I was cutting it was so I could feel something. I did it that day to distract myself from the dumbass, before I hurt him, but I usually do it, because when I’m cutting or picking, I concentrate only on that pain, no other emotional or physical pain. Does anyone understand me?