You know when I think suicidal I don’t think calm. Maybe it is too many movies Idk. All I know is that I am tired, soul tired. It isn’t a screaming crying I wanna die kind of thing. It is simply ..I’m tired, I can’t do this anymore. It is hard keeping up the front of being happy. I am too old for all this (I am 35) being a single mom, trying to make ends meet, and pretend that it is easy. Those who see me struggle think I have everything under control so they don’t help. Even when I reach out to them they don’t help. The baby is only 5, she is young enough to forget me. I have my death all planned out even to paying the bills that I can before I go. Tbh I don’t even know why I haven’t done it yet. I am so ready so tired of it all. Yes I am bipolar and yes I am on meds that I take religiously . Just recently death is becoming beautiful to me. No ranting, no raving no people I have quarrels with..just tired.
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Hey, thanks for sharing, you describe your state of mind beautifully. Feel kinda the same myself.
Back in the day death seemed beautiful to me. Now it just seems like a chore I’m putting off.
Just curious, were you suicidal before you started taking the meds? I don’t mean to encourage you to quit them, it’s just that I know my meds make me more suicidal…
Anyways, I wish all the best for you, whatever that means.
🙂
Good for you for making sure finances are taken care of. People tend to forget that kind of shit and it just makes it worse when they go.
Happy trails.
Hi………Five years old is definitely old enough to remember her Mom. I am bipolar as well. I am 52 and take my medications generally all the time. I could NOT imagine being a single Mom, taking care of your angel, working, paying the bills, taking care of all problems that arise, AND taking care of YOU, being bipolar. It is enough to make someone want to commit suicide. Although, please know, it will pass. If you have to and have time, get into a NAMA support group or at least a support group on line for bipolar people. You are a VERY strong woman and making it to 35 with all the challenges I am sure you have had, and now, the challenge of a single Mom, I am sure it is so overwhelming. I know for me with my bipolar it is very difficult to trust and make friends, although if it is not difficult for you try to trust someone and make a friend. Please know that your little girl needs you and she will need you when SHE becomes a Mom. Do what you can to help you and make life a little more bearable, I KNOW it is difficult. You appear to be a very strong and intelligent woman, so you CAN do it. Also, if you have any type of religious/spirituality faith, lean on that. My best to you and your angel always. You will be in my thoughts and my heart. Take good care. Jen 🙂
Hi………Five years old is definitely old enough to remember her Mom. I am bipolar as well. I am 52 and take my medications generally all the time. I could NOT imagine being a single Mom, taking care of your angel, working, paying the bills, taking care of all problems that arise, AND taking care of YOU, being bipolar. It is enough to make someone want to commit suicide. Although, please know, it will pass. If you have to and have time, get into a NAMA support group or at least a support group on line for bipolar people. You are a VERY strong woman and making it to 35 with all the challenges I am sure you have had, and now, the challenge of a single Mom, I am sure it is so overwhelming. I know for me with my bipolar it is very difficult to trust and make friends, although if it is not difficult for you try to trust someone and make a friend. Please know that your little girl needs you and she will need you when SHE becomes a Mom. Do what you can to help you and make life a little more bearable, I KNOW it is difficult. You appear to be a very strong and intelligent woman, so you CAN do it. Also, if you have any type of religious/spirituality faith, lean on that. My best to you and your angel always. You will be in my thoughts and my heart. Take good care. Jen 🙂
muspelhem,
I’ve always been suicidal during my depressive phases. Tbh when I am off meds I would drive around corners and it was all I could do not to go straight or driving over a bridge and wanting to take a left or a right over the side. I would be walking up or down flights of stairs and wonder why not just fall? In fact during those times the only period where I didn’t want to die was when someone was with me. It is one thing to take myself out but entirely different to try to take others with me. I was wrongly diagnosed wtih ptsd for 12 years before a smart doctor realized I was in a constant manic phase. Turns out the meds I was on induced mania in people with bipolar. No wonder I move from one side of the country to another on a whim. My meds normally work just not this time.
jenzea,
Ty for your kind words. Something werid happened this evening. My daughter and I were in the store. A woman and I were chit chatting while in the check out line. She turned to my daughter and said “just think one day you will grow up, go to college, and be on your own” It was just after the baby said she was 5 now. My daughter got really quiet and didn’t say anything. In fact my little chatter box said nothing all the way home. As soon as we got in the door, she started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t figure it out. Finally she said “I don’t wanna leave you! I don’t wanna be on my own! I just held her and comforted her. Tomorrow I am going to my dr. I either need to change my meds or need something for when the current meds can’t stop the dark thoughts. I can’t go into the hospital or let my dr know just how dark the thoughts are..if I do child protective service may take the baby from me. I need her as much if not more than she needs me. Thank you very much for your kind words and advice.
needabreak: THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. I have NEVER had someone thank me off this board, so I really appreciate it. Bless her heart, your little angel. See………you are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO needed in her life, and I am CERTAIN other peoples lives as well. We ALL hit the bottom, especially with bipolar disorder. And like I said previously, I could NOT imagine doing what YOU do. Taking care of your angel, working, school, I don’t know all what you do, although you appear to be HIGHLY FUNCTIONING like I was/am. Bipolar disorder is a HORRIFIC challenge in life, and we all have these challenges, physically, mentally, emotionally, psyciotically (sp)………I DO really hope you have a support system. You need to STAY ALIVE for that little 5 year old angel……….YOU ARE HER ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good for you getting a change of meds. You probably know this, but meds (anti-depressants) need to be changed up about once every 2 years. I have taken Lithium since 28 and I am 52, it does me well, although the rest of them I have to change up every 2 years. I have severe anxiety disorder, same thing with those meds, sooo. Please remember you are a STRONG woman, let others help you, there is no shame in that, especially with your 5 year old. Take good care and Blessings to you. If you want to email me, I will give you my email. NO PRESSURE………if you do NOT……….I totally understand. You are in my heart and my prayers my dear. Jen 🙂