Okay… so. I guess all my life I’ve been unhappy. I’ve always been the quiet kid, the one who just gets on with it. I’m now 18… since I was 13 I’ve always thought to myself, in the back of my mind: ‘one day I will kill myself.’
This is because I guess I am a naturally unhappy person. I’m happy when with my best friend/boy friend (he’s both)… but only when we are in our own little world. I love him but I love him so much it hurts and he is all I have to hang on to, and the slightest thing he does can break my heart. This isn’t why I feel suicidal though, I think if I was not suicidal I’d be fine and wouldn’t get upset over the silly little things he does.
I’ve felt this way for 5 years.
I just want to be happy. I’ve always said that.
However… my life has taken a turn for the worst the past couple of years. I’ve let my family down and myself down. I am on job seekers benefits and only have my GCSE’s. I have been kicked out of 2 colleges for bad attendance… and therefore hold no further education qualifications. This is not what I or my family expected of me, I have always been bright and everybody thought I would go far. Unfortunately I didn’t go to college that often as I hated the place… I think I may have anxiety issues as during college I never wanted to go because of the fear of always being on my own and being judged. My friends were in the year above me so left early and once they had left I had nobody and I’ve always been too nervous to make new friends. This, and also I slept in a lot as I sometimes have difficulty sleeping as my sleeping pattern is really messed up.
Also, during the last 2 years of secondary school (please note I am from the United Kingdom ), so years 1o and 11 we’re very very stressful times. I was in a relationship with somebody older than me who was extremely suicidal and attention seeking. I believe him to be mentally ill as he put me through hell with his anger and obsessiveness. I was always emotionally blackmailed in to sex and doing anything he wanted to do. I was only 15 and had this to cope with along with my parents and friends trying to help but making things worse, as they had no idea what was really going on. And I had my GCSE’s to do too. It was a very dark time for me, and didn’t help with my unhappiness and suicidal thoughts.
I will not go in to detail as to what happened during them 2 years. Or I would be typing forever and ever.
After them 2 years I went “off the rails” when college began. I turned to binge drinking and drug taking. I was a mess. I pulled through this though… realising I was more sensible than this and I wasn’t one of “them”. I am the sort of person, or at least was, that you would expect to be in university studying sciences of some sort.
The past year has been the most depressing though. I’ve drifted from all of my friends as I do not drink anymore and that is all they do to have fun. So I tend to stay in a lot and I guess they have given up on me. My parents are ashamed of me for what I have done to my life when I could be doing so much more had I not messed college up. They have always had high expectations, and rightly so. I did too. It is so depressing watching everybody else my age get there own cars and getting set to go to university with the college qualifications… and then there’s me… I’m even smarter than them (please note I am not big headed, infact I hate myself). This frustrates me but I did it to myself and there is nobody else to blame.
So this past year I have been looking for a job. A dead end one. I was hoping to begin some sort of apprenticeship this year… in accounting or something. I really do not want to do it though, the thought of spending the rest of my life doing this makes me feel even worse. I should be going to university this year doing graphics or media studies. That is what I wanted to do. My parents have told some family members that I actually AM going to university when I’m not… just because they do not want everybody to know what a failure I am. So I have to lie a lot at family gatherings… and it hurts me. I may end up doing the apprenticeship though if I find a placement, but things are looking dismal.
I know people have been through a lot worse than I have. And this is what you may be thinking. But please bear in mind I have not gone in to details.
My main problem is, not the problems I’ve faced through life, nor the strange and stressful situations I’ve encountered, but the fact I am unhappy. Always have been, always will be.
I am terrible in social situations. I’m a worrier. I over-think things. I think so much my head hurts. I get paranoid. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I think, I hate the dreams I have and my life and what is has become. The only thing I love is my best friend/boy friend. However I dare not even tell him I feel like this as I do not want to scare him. He’s a fun loving character and this sort of thing is not his expertise and he will think I am mental.
I wish I had a gun… or that somebody would just shoot me in the head and have it done with. The pain I constantly feel is awful, I cry over nothing on my own and have always felt like I do not belong to this world. The people around me do not help. I feel alone… these emotions have been getting stronger and have been constantly there since 13. Since I realised what life was and who I am.
Who knows what will happen. I wish I was happy, I wish to have a wonderful life with my boyfriend and a couple of kids and a nice house and stable finance (the only bad thing is doing a job I hate… as I feel for me, it is too late to try and re-attempt A levels). But I know that somewhere along the line I will probably flip and jump off a bridge. I have very unstable emotions, and nobody knows it but me.
Thank you friend for reading. I do not know what anybody will make of this story if anybody will even read it… Sorry it is long, but today I have hightened emotions as there is a lot of stress in my household at the moment (I live with my parents). I wish there was a button I could press to end it all I suppose. I dare not take tablets or try any other way as I do not want to “fail suicide” and have to live with the fact people think I am crazy. I’m not crazy, I just hate life. Hopefully I will get hold of a gun. That is how I want to go.